Sunday, November 22, 2009
Phoenix and DC
So I got to visit Bill in Phoenix. March Madness was going on when I was out there so we were drinking all day long. At night we end up going to some bar and meet these girls. Bill tells them some shit about me just breaking up with my girlfriend and that I need to be cheered up because I'm all depressed, and this girl starts eating it up. She was good looking, I guess. She had huge fake tits. I mean huge. And really fake. It was pretty obvious with the shirt she was wearing. Shit, she could've been wearing a Triple Fat Goose coat and you still would've been able to tell her tits were fake. But who cares, ya know? Tits are tits.
So anyway, she's all about it, so I end up leaving Bill and go back to her place with her. She lives by herself and so we don't waste anytime and go at it. Then right afterwards she starts acting fucking crazy. Like nuts. She starts telling me how much it sucks that I'm only gonna be in town for the next three days and that she's gonna miss me. Dude. I don't even know this girls NAME. What the fuck is she talking about, ya know? So I was like yeah that sucks...ANYWAYS. Then she starts saying how we gotta figure out what we're going to do for the rest of the weekend. At this point I'm ready to fucking jumpoff her balcony just to get out of there. So I play that off and she calms the fuck down and we're just laying there in her bed. She gets up to go to the bathroom and turns to me and says "I just realized that no one in the world knows where you are right now. I could kill you right now and no one would ever know." And then she laughs and goes and takes a piss or shit or whatever.
But seriously, what the fuck? I mean she was right: she could kill me and no one would ever know. So my first thought was that maybe I should kill her first, because no one she knows knows that I'm here. But then I thought I should just bolt, because who the fuck knows what's up with this girl and it might be my only chance. So I grabbed my clothes and my shoes and fucking ran out of there, and didn't look back, cuz I didn't want her to run out of her place and see me in the parking lot.
I get a safe distance away and realize I left my fucking Oakleys at her place. A $200 pair of sunglasses that I just bought gone with the wind because of this bitch. Fuck it though, it was worth it because if I would've stayed there she might've killed me. Or I might have killed her.
So now its like 2 in the morning and Bill's not answering his phone and I have no clue where I am, where he is, where he lives, or how to get back to anywhere. Basically I'm fucked. I was walking down this main road and must've been near a college because I kept walking by these house parties filled with Mexicans and meatheads just yelling shit at me. It was the fucking worst, dude. Honest to God, everyone in Arizona must drink and drive because it seemed like every time a car passed me, the people in it were throwing empties at me. Bottles of beer just whizzing by my ear while they're calling me a cocksucker and faggot. It was like payback for any bad thing I've ever done in my life. I just had to shut up and take it because if I said anything or gave a look, I was gonna get my ass kicked by some Mexican gang and anyone I know who could've helped me out was a thousand miles away. All I could do was take off my chain, wrap it around my fist and hope I could find a motel to crash at. I probably looked so fucking pathetic.
Anyway, it's like 3 in the morning and I stumble into this town and see a cop standing on the sidewalk. I've never felt so relieved in my life. So I go up to him and ask for help. "Excuse me sir, but do you know where the closest hotel is? I'm not from around here and got separated from my friends and really need to sleep." He just looks at me and starts to give me shit! "Turn around," he says, "and take three steps." So I do and I realize I'm right in front of a hotel. "And he's being sarcastic and shit and asked if that was close enough for me, so I just looked at him, waited a second, and then told him to go fuck his mother and went inside.
He probably saved my life, but seriously, I didn't need to take shit from this asshole; I was drunk as fuck, my life was threatened by some random chick that I probably caught something from, I lost my brand new sunglasses, and I just went through a gauntlet of flying beer bottles while being called a faggot. Just tell me where the hotel is and mind your fucking business, ya know what I mean?
So I walk up to the hotel counter and I realize that this hotel is pretty nice. I ask for a room and the dude behind the counter tells me the room is like 200 bucks or some shit. Fuckin' perfect. Of course it is. Banging this chick is costing me half a grand now. But what am I gonna do, ya know? So I pull out a credit card and give him my license and the guy takes it and says "Oh you're from Michigan? I went to Michigan State. Lemme see if I can give you a discount." So he knocks fifty bucks off the bill. It's the only good thing that happened that night.
So I pass out and finally get a hold of Bill the next morning. I'm waiting in the lobby for him to pick me up and he pulls right up to the door with "Jessie's Girl" blasting. You could hear it from inside the lobby. Everyone's lookin' around and I get up, with no suitcase, looking like dogshit, and slowly walk tothe car. If anyone who I had passed on the street the night before had seen me right then with an 80's song blasting, getting picked up by a dude, they would've been like "See? I told you he was a faggot." But whatever, it was funny. Bill couldn't stop laughing. And I still got laid. Oh, and I never did catch anything from that chick. I don't think she was clean, but either way I didn't get anything from her. Which is good, because I would've killed her the next time I was out there to see Billy.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Phil Collins's Girlfriend Hates Him More Than You Do
Everybody knows that Phil Collins was the absolute shit in the 1980’s. He was in the zone that decade and a majority of his output - both with Genesis and as a solo artist - was indisputably awesome. Despite his commercial success and legions of fans, there were people that couldn’t stand Phil Collins. I call those people assholes. Phil Collins calls them his exes. Just take a look at his songs from that era and it is apparent that pretty much anyone who had a relationship with Phil treated him like a piece of shit.
“Misunderstanding” (1980)
Phil starts off with bad news and it keeps going downhill from there. His date is late and he’s stuck in the rain waiting for her. Then he figures out she stood him up. Ouch. Then he admits to partaking in some minor stalking by calling her repeatedly and driving by her house. And his reward for that behavior? He gets to see some other dude walking out of the girl’s house after (presumably) boning her. That is some mean shit to put Phil through. Why did she have to lead him on like that?
“No Reply At All” (1981)
Phil gets to experience the dreaded silent treatment. “Look at me, you never look at me/Ooh, I’ve been sitting, staring, seems so long/But you’re looking through me/Like I wasn’t here at all/No reply, there’s no reply at all.” Well that sounds like fun.
“I Don’t Care Anymore” (1982)
Phil reaches a breaking point and stands up to the bully that is his girlfriend. She keeps talking shit about him and making fun of him, so he finally breaks up with her. Just think about how badly she had to treat him to make a sad sack like Phil be the one to end the relationship. Phil Collins doesn’t dump. He gets dumped. That’s his thing.
“That’s All” (1983)
Phil’s got another doozy on his hands, and this one likes to bicker: “I could say ‘day,’ and you would d say ‘night’/tell me it’s black when I know that it’s white.” He knows that this isn’t healthy, but he can’t help himself. He’s learned to like the abuse.
“Easy Lover” (1984)
Another relationship with a girl who treats Phil like shit. His buddy Phillip Bailey tries to alert him: “She will play around and leave you/Leave you and deceive you/Better forget it/Or you’ll regret it.” But does he listen? Fuck no.
“Against All Odds” (1984)
Phil manages to find himself a girlfriend who finally sees him for the catch that he is: “You’re the only one who really knew me at all.” Yet she’s still walking away from him. Not only that, but she won’t even let him down gently: “I wish I could make you turn around/turn around and see me cry.” She won’t even turn around? When the whole song is Phil pleading for her to just look at him, you know he’s dealing with someone who couldn’t care less about him.
“One More Night” (1985)
Phil is pleading with a girl he loves to give him a chance to tell her how he feels. By now, Phil is so beaten down that he realizes that his efforts will be fruitless: “I know there’ll never be a time when you’ll feel the same/And I know it’s only words/But if you change your mind you know that I’ll be here/And maybe we both can learn.” This broad thinks so little of him, that Phil can’t even fathom that this girl would ever think of him the same way he thinks of her. It is becoming apparent that Phil has given up hope on being in a loving and healthy relationship. Now he’s just settling for small victories like getting one more night or getting the woman he loves to turn around and look at him while he cries.
“Sussudio” (1985)
And the women in his life have finally gotten him to speaking jibberish. Yet another song about Phil crushing on a girl who doesn’t know who the hell he is. Which is weird, because in 1985 Phil was pretty fucking famous. How did she not even know his name? I wouldn’t date someone now - 25 years after his career apex - if she didn’t know who Phil Collins was and didn't enjoy his music. If this girl that Phil fancies has never heard of him then that means that she has horrible taste in music, has been in a coma, or is retarded. All three of those should be deal-breakers for not only Phil, but for all of us.
"Take Me Home" (1985)
Phil’s family had him committed and put in a mental hospital. This is an act of love and concern if the person being committed is actually insane or unstable. However, when the person is sane enough to write such a kick ass song as this one and is only sent away because his friends and family had their fill of listening to Phil bitch about his failed relationships then it just seems drastic and mean.
“Invisible Touch” (1986)
“She don’t like losing, to her it’s still a game/And though she will mess up your life/You’ll want her just the same…” Okay, maybe Phil is insane. Is Phil drawn to manipulative women or is there something about Phil that makes normal women become mean and abusive once they get to know him?
“Throwing It All Away” (1986)
Well the title pretty much says it all, doesn’t it? Yet again, somebody is breaking up with Phil and willing to throw everything away just to end the relationship. It’s like he’s the abusive husband from “Sleeping with the Enemy” or something. Seriously, it couldn’t have been that bad. Even Phil can’t believe it: “Who will light up the darkness? Who will hold your hand? Who will find you the answers when you don’t understand?” The apparent answer to all three of those questions is “I don’t give a shit,” because she still ends up leaving him, driving Phil to hurl the empty threat that “someday (she’ll) be sorry.”
“Something Happened on the Way to Heaven” (1989)
At this point Phil begins hating himself as much as everyone he’s ever dated hates him. “We’ve had our problems, but I’m on your side.” He’s taking the side of the most recent woman who has become sick of him and left. This song finally lets us in why people tend not to like Phil: “You can run, and you can hide, but I’m not leaving unless you come with me.” Um, Phil, it isn’t considered leaving if you’re still in the presence of the person who wants you out of their sight.
If you think about it, Phil Collins is practically a saint. He suffered years of abuse from a variety of women and spun it into hit records for our listening pleasure. After reading this, you may start to feel sorry for Phil Collins since he obviously had a rough love life in the 80's and was treated like an asshole for all those years. I felt the same way while writing this piece. But then I remembered that this is the same guy who wrote "I Can't Dance" and I didn't feel so bad for him anymore.
That said, we should be thankful that we had Phil Collins in our lives in the 1980's and that he had such horrible, horrible women in his. He has made a significant contribution to the soundtracks of grocery stores and dentist offices throughout the country that cannot be forgotten nor ignored.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Hey Man
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Steve Phillips - The Movie
I figured such a intriguing story has a good chance of becoming a movie, so I tried to come up with the perfect cast for the two leads.
The pick for Steve Phillips is pretty obvious: John Slattery of Mad Men fame.
I tried to think which young Hollywood star could best capture the unique look of Brooke, one person immediately popped in my head: the skater dude from Clueless.
I realize that he would have to put on some weight for the role, but I'm sure that Breckin Meyer would have no problem making that sacrifice for the opportunity to play such a star-making role.
Then inspiration struck. Forget the dude from Clueless. Sure, he's the perfect actor for the role, but he isn't the perfect character for the role. I admit, that my suggestion is a little out there, but once you see it, I think you'll agree that when it comes to the perfect portrayal of Brook Hundley, Junior Gorg is the only option. See for yourself, and just try to argue with me:
I've even come up with a title for the movie and created a mock-up movie poster to help drum up interest and get this thing made. The title and poster are based on the fact that this psycho looks like the modern day equivalent of Marla Hooch from A League of Their Own.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Randos
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I attribute a lot of Saved By The Bell's success to the fact that it used to be on 4 times a day, Monday through Friday when many of us were growing up. It couldn't be avoided. (Except by the kid at my school who didn't have a TV in his house. But even without a TV, he had still seen a couple episodes. After one of the few times he managed to watch an episode, he was telling me and my friends that Slater was his favorite character because he was so funny. We couldn't understand it, because everyone knows Slater wasn't that funny, so we verified he was actually talking about Slater. Mike Teevee-less answered "yeah, the guy with curly hair," so we kept asking him to describe what was so funny. As he went into detail, it became apparent that he wasn't talking about Slater, but Screech. Holy shit, did I want to beat this kid up when I realized that. For one, he confused Slater with Screech. Who does that? And two, he actually thought Screech was funny! I can't think of two better reasons for administering a beat down. Well I can, but you know what I mean.
Anyway, I've been wondering why no one ever aired reruns of California Dreams, the show that used to run after Saved By The Bell. If you remember correctly, the show was about "surf dudes with attitudes." It was kinda groovy.
I really think if TBS or USA would've picked up the syndication rights to this show and subjected kids to the reruns of it on a daily basis for 15 years like they did with Saved By The Bell, Jimmy Fallon might be begging Brent Gore to join a California Dreams reunion show instead of begging Mark-Paul Gosselar. I'll admit that it isn't as great as Saved By The Bell, but it was definitely better than that piece of shit, Hang Time.
And just because it's awesome, here's a clip of Mr. Belding getting to the bottom of things:
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Considering that she was a poor, ugly, nerdy girl who didn't fit in with the popular, rich crowd at West Beverly High, you would think that Andrea Zuckerman would just go with the flow and not insist that people pronounce her name as "AHN-drea" instead of the more normal "ANN-drea." But no, she had to be a complete bitch about it.
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One of the most underrated funny lines in Back to the Future is right at the end of the movie when Marty (SPOILER ALERT) returns to the perfect version of 1985 and Doc busts into the driveway saying he has to take Marty back to the future and that Jennifer can come along because "it concerns her too." Marty's immediate reaction is to ask "What, do we become assholes or something?"
I love the fact that that is the first thing that Marty's worried about. How great would it be if that was what the sequel was about?
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If I was in charge of the advertising campaign for the morning after pill, I wouldn't call it "Plan B" like they do now. That makes it sound as if needing the pill is something to be ashamed of. Instead, I would call it "Plan Be Awesome." As in, "I think I'm going to be awesome tonight and not make him wear a condom."
Thursday, August 06, 2009
2nd Annual Booze 'n Bike Rally
On Saturday, July 11th, 2009, a group of friends and I participated in an event that challenged our bodies, our hearts, our minds, and our livers by participating in the 2nd Annual Booze 'n Bike Rally. That's right. For the second year in a row, we went on a pub crawl on our bicycles. The crawl was 22 miles long and included 18 bars. Each person was required to drink 1 beer per bar. At each Irish bar, an Irish Car Bomb was required, in lieu of beer. We began the sojourn at 11a.m. at the Crestwood Lounge. Last year I kept extensive notes and posted them here. However this year I decided to change it up a little. Instead of a running diary, I enlisted with my friend The Grodfather to help me write reviews for each of the bars we patronized. I've included the reviews below and added anything else I could remember from the day's events.
To commemorate the event, the Grodfather did something completely awesome and bought everyone yellow wristbands, like the kind Lance Armstrong wears. Except ours didn't have the phrase "Live Strong" on them. We live by a different motto: Bike Drunk.
We had more participants this year than we had last year, but only four returning riders, due to a variety of reasons including scheduling conflicts and people being lame. At the first bar, people began taking in who was missing from the previous year, which led to the following exchange:
"Why isn't Lizz doing the rally this year?"
"Her girlfriend wanted to go camping with friends, so she had to do that instead."
"Oooh, I don't blame her then. Her girlfriend is hot...you gotta lock that down."
Bar #1 - Crestwood Lounge
Description: A blue collar bar that features bikini-clad waitresses and, inexplicably, luau décor.
Price of a Miller High Life: $1.75 a bottle.
The perfect bar if you’re looking for: Coke. Or for a bikini-clad waitress’s ex-boyfriend to kick your ass for staring at his property.
Rating: 2 Stars (Docked half a star for not having any TP in the ladies room).
When riding up to the next bar, it looked they were closed and we'd have to come up with a quick Plan B. Delaney didn't hesitate: "Let's go next door to the 7-11 since they are giving aways free Slurpees today because today is 7/11, and then we can buy a fifth of vodka and pour it into them." The idea was a stellar one, but the second bar ended up not being closed, so the plan never came to fruition.
Bar #2 - East Side Mario's
Description: Casual neighborhood Italian restaurant and bar.
Price of a Miller High Life: n/a – Miller Lite was $3.25 a bottle.
The perfect bar if you’re looking for: Free peanuts, cheap appetizers, and people in khakis and polos enjoying authentic “EYE-talian” cuisine.
Rating: 2 ½ Stars – Free peanuts is a plus but not having a High Life to wash’em down with is a minus.
On our way to the third bar.
Bar #3 - PY Stix (Nee Oceans 11, nee Jamie’s Again, nee Jamie’s Jammers II, nee Jamie’s Jammers)
Description: They were closed!
Price of a Miller High Life: Unknown
The perfect bar if you’re looking for: A reason to turn around and go home to spend time with your family.
Rating: Zero Stars – A complete dick move by them by being closed when we wanted to drink there. No wonder they’ve gone bankrupt so many times.
When we hit this speed up we decided to just go to the next bar on the route and try to add another bar to the route later on in the day.
This is what a closed, shitty bar looks like.Description: A local landmark where High Life is simply referred to as “Miller.”
Price of a Miller High Life: $2.95 a bottle.
The perfect bar if you’re looking for: The best burger in Livonia, and napkins proclaiming as much, as well as good honest folk with real lives and real stories. (It’s the salt of the Earth in this joint.) Their burgers really are the tits though.
Rating: 4 Stars – Don’t leave this place without eating a burger. For reals.
At Mason's, one of the riders got a banana out of their backpack and began eating it. Naturally, we started giving them a hard time. I mean they were eating fruit. In a bar. I don't even think that's legal. We cut them a break when they explained that they had a bad case of diarrhea and that eating bananas helped get rid of it. Can't really argue with that.
The banana: diarrhea's mortal enemy apparently.
Bar #4 - Plymouth Roadhouse
Description: Another bar with a bikini wait staff, but no Dalton! No Jeff Healy behind chicken wire either. (Yes, I know that Jeff Healy is dead, but still…just no excuse.)
Price of a Miller High Life: $2.75 a bottle. (The first bar to check I.D.’s.)
The perfect bar if you’re looking for: A bikini wait staff that doesn’t seem to love the smell of cocaine as much as the staff at the Crestwood, and who are self-aware enough to work in a dark and dank bar so they can hide their embarrassing blemishes, cellulite, and scars.
Rating: The fact that the owner’s wife came to our table and gave us all free drink coupons was a nice show of hospitality and worthy of a bump of ½ a star in their rating: 2 Stars
After the above picture was taken, of Johnny and Chuck, the photographer told the guys to pose for one more picture and ordered Chuck to kiss Johnny. Chuck replied, without hesitation: "I want to kiss Johnny about as much as any other person in the world wants to kiss him." Needless to say, a second picture was not taken.
While drinking my High Life, I noticed that they had a food special going on. Me: Hey Andy, they're selling sliders for a buck here! Andy: Yeah, I'd need 2 bananas if I ate those.Bar #5 - Paddy’s Pub
Description: An inauthentic Irish bar with faux Celtic décor.
Price of a Miller High Life: n/a – We only ordered Irish Car Bombs, which were pricey. And delicious.
The perfect bar if you’re looking for: A place that looks like a finished basement from the late 70’s that features Guinness on tap.
Rating: 2 ½ Stars
Car Bombs at 1:25pm? Why not?
Bar #6 - Kickers
Description: A last minute addition thanks to PY Sticks not being open. They end up being closed as well. No rating or punishment for them, as they were not part of the initial route for a reason. This place sucks.
The New Bar #6 - Levan Wine Shop
Description: In keeping with tradition, we stopped at a party store to make up for the closed bar we weren’t able to patronize. And, no, “Levan” is not the name of a member of an 80’s R&B group. It is a road in Livonia, Michigan. However, “Levan” and “Livonia” are the names of the last two customer service reps you spoke with when you tried to lower your cable bill.
Price of a Miller High Life: $1.00 (comes with free paper bag to drink it out of).
The perfect bar if you’re looking for: A party store.
Rating: 3 Stars
We all went into the party store and we each bought one loose bottle of beer. We then drank it in the parking lot and on the side of the building. Ten minutes later when we were finished our beers, Andy collected a few of the empties and went back into the store to return them to the same guy who sold to us. The guy gave Andy a look and asked "Havin' some fun today, huh?"
The party store's bathroom was quite spacious.While we were drinking in front of the party store, a car driving by began honking wildly and slowed down enough so the driver could yell at us. "Hey that's not a bar! You gotta ride further down the road!!!" We were trying to figure out who the driver was when 5 Mile figured it out: "That's the dude who offered to buy me a beer at the last bar we were at! I told him I couldn't because I was on my way to another bar. I didn't realize he was gonna follow us there."
5 Mile's favorite expression happened to be written in cement in front of the party store.The party store happened to be next to the Jewelry Factory of Livonia. Here in Metro Detroit, the Jewelry Factory's commercials are unavoidable, and always end with the company's employees slowly waving to the camera. For those of you lucky enough to have no clue what I'm talking about, here is the commercial.
Naturally, we decided to film our own version:
Bar #7 - Lake Pointe Yacht Club
Description: Yet another bikini bar. But this one is on a lake. There are no boats here, though. And certainly no yachts!
Price of a Miller High Life: $3.25 a bottle
The perfect bar if you’re looking for: Herpes.
Rating: 3 Stars
Group shot in front of beautiful Lake Newburgh.
Bar #8 - Buffalo Wild Wings (BW3’s)
Description: A national chain restaurant that prides themselves on their wings and offering a ton of different beers on tap. (Though they all taste the same.)
Price of a Miller High Life: n/a – No High Life here, so we settled on Miller Lite at $3.50 a bottle
The perfect bar if you’re looking for: the oldest, plainest, wait staff this side of a Knights of Columbus. Think Carla from “Cheers” without the sarcasm but with all the kids and the no good ex-husband.
Rating: 3 ½ Stars (Surprisingly good service with as big of a group as we had.)
On the way to BW3's we passed Chuck's neighborhood and were surprised to see his family cheering us on with homemade signs. Later we found out that only some of his family was cheering us on. Chuck's little brother isn't a big fan of drinking, so he wanted to hold up a sign that read "Repent," but his dad wouldn't let him. So he explained to Chuck that when he made the sign for us he purposely left out an exclamation point and instead, inserted a period, because he was not excited about our event.
The "protest" sign.
Bar #9 - Bar Louie
Description: A fancy pants bar that caters to douche bags and old ladies who consider themselves “cougars.”
Price of a Miller High Life: $3.50! (Seriously, Bar Louie? $3.50? Fuck off.)
The perfect bar if you’re looking for: An overpriced drink and a snooty waitress.
Rating: 1 Star.
Bar Louie was the last place I took any notes other than for the reviews. For those wondering, the last note read: "Bar Louie = Gay."
Bar #10 - Champp’s
Description - A bar that tries to WAY too hard to be hip and happening and just ends up being way too loud.
Price of a Miller High Life: n/a – Jarz bought everyone a Coors Light boomba for $4.59 a piece, because that’s just the kind of guy he is. (And because he didn’t pay for jack shit before or after Champp’s.)
The perfect bar if you’re looking for: a $35 sweatshirt to buy that has the bar’s name on it, so that when you wear it the next day and people ask you what you did last night you can smugly smile, point at your sweatshirt and say “I’ll give you three guesses!”
Rating: 2 ½ Stars.
Bar #11 - Claddagh
Description - A legit Irish bar.
Price of a Miller High Life: n/a – Car Bombs again.
The perfect bar if you’re looking for: A bunch of affluent suburbanites from Livonia and Northville who want to show off their Irish roots by muscling down a Black and Tan. That and first daters…lots of first daters.
Rating: 3 Stars.
All smiles for the second round of Car Bombs.
Bar #12 - Doc’s Sports Retreat
Description: The self-proclaimed “Best Sports Bar in Livonia”
Price of a Miller High Life: n/a – They don’t serve High Life and I don’t remember what we bought instead.
The perfect bar if you’re looking for: a place that licks balls.
Rating: 2 Stars (and that’s generous).
By all accounts, this is when the wheels began to come off (figuratively speaking). 5 Mile and Andy did Jaegerbombs in addition to their beers, we commandeered the jukebox, and people began performing the "Joe Baum" dance move in the middle of the bar.
The beat found 'em.And for some reason that probably made sense at the time, I decided to steal an oversize cone from the parking lot and wear it on my head while riding to the next bar. It was way heavier than I thought and kept falling below my eyes. I have no idea how I didn't wipe out multiple times.
After successfully riding with this on my head, I placed it in front of the main entrance of thenext bar to see if people would respect the cone and use the other door. They did.
Bar #13 - George Murphy’s
Description: A bar located right off a golf course. Lots of polo shirts with pit stains in this place.
Price of a Miller High Life: $3.00 a bottle.
The perfect bar if you’re looking for: someone to tell you their bullshit story about how they almost broke 40 on the back nine but missed a couple 3 foot putts because the foursome in front of him didn’t properly repair their ball marks.
Rating: 3 Stars (But only if you’re sitting out on the patio, because drinking outside gives off the illusion that you’re actually doing something productive with your day. “Wow, it looks like somebody got some sun this weekend! Were you working hard out in your yard?” “Oh no, I was just crushing beers on the patio at G. Murhpy’s for about 5 hours and the patio umbrella was broken and wouldn’t stay up.”
Bar #14 - Coach’s Corner
Description: Neighborhood bar that has never given a free drink to anyone, for any reason, ever.
Price of a Miller High Life: $3.00 a bottle. (Though it’s better to buy a bucket of 5 at a time. It isn’t cheaper but the service is so bad, ordering 5 at once makes it easier on the waitress. Not that she appreciates it in any way, shape, or form.)
The perfect bar if you’re looking for: anyone connected, tangentially or otherwise, to Madonna College athletics and want to hear them rehash meaningless games that involve people you either don’t know or don’t give a shit about.
Rating: 1 ½ Stars. This place sucks donkey dick.
Bar #15 - Wintergarden
Description: A town pub with lots of wood furnishings. It is quaint, but highly flammable.
Price of a Miller High Life: n/a (too drunk to write down what we drank or how much it cost.)
The perfect bar if you’re looking for: a change of pace from every other bar in Livonia that is “lame as fuck.”
Rating: 2 Stars. (Gratuitious, but someone bought us a shot here, and I’m pretty sure that there weren’t any roofies in it.)
Somebody bought us shots along with our beers at this place. That probably wasn't a good idea because I'm pretty sure all of us felt like how Peter looks in this picture:
Of course I"m still okay to ride my bike, why?
Bar #16 - The Bench Pub
Description: An old school, hole-in-the-wall bar and proud of it. Recently remodeled to highlight their multiple dartboards, which is perfect for the numerous dart leagues and tournaments that they host.
Price of a Miller High Life: $2.75 a bottle.
The perfect bar if you’re looking for: An internet jukebox so that you can torment a blue collar crowd that doesn’t appreciate the music of Michael McDonald or Kenny Loggins and just want to play darts while rockin' out to Nickelback..
Rating: 1 ½ Stars. Fuck darts.
Bar #17 - O'Malley's
Description: An authentic Irish bar in the heart of Livonia that pays tribute to its heritage by having a regular karaoke to Don Henley songs on Saturday nights.
Price of a Miller High Life: Just Car Bombs, ma'am.
The perfect bar if you’re looking for: A place with two apostrophes in its name. This place doesn't have much to offer.
Rating: 1 ½ Stars.
I'm pretty sure 5 Mile did 3 or 4 Car Bombs at this bar - no joke.
Bar #18 - The Stables (aka St. Able's)
Description: A windowless, smoky bar that is saved by it's unbelievable service. The waitstaff and bartenders are the best in the biz, people, and I'm not bullshitting. .
Price of a Miller High Life: $2.75 a bottle.
The perfect bar if you’re looking for: a Stablizer, which is a shot created by The Stables that is a concoction that includes a number of liquors, juices, and even some Miller High Life. It is highly recommended that you down one of these bad boys to "get stable" before your long drive home.
Rating: 4 ½ Stars.
The End of the RoadEven with my night of barfing, I still don't think I ended up as bad as poor Peter, who suffered some injuries after taking a tumble off his bike. I'm sure his arm and leg will be healed in time for next year's rally, though I don't know if his liver (or any of our livers) will be. There's only one way to find out.
Final Booze 'n Bike Rally Tally:
22 Miles
17 Bars
15 Beers
15 Bikes
10 Hours of Drinking
3 Irish Car Bombs
2 Accidents
1 Stabilizer
1 Mystery Shot
1 Party Store
1 Debilitating hangover
Monday, August 03, 2009
Trade Deadline Look-alikes
Jason Sudeikis has a recurring role on SNL as one half of an "A-Hole" couple that brings misery to innocent people. Hopefully Washburn will be able to make Detroit Tiger fans forget about Nate Robertson and Dontrelle Willis, the two A-Holes that have contributed absolutely zero this year.
Some of you may be wondering who Ethan Embry is. He was the bass player in "That Thing You Do," and the dude who was pining for Jennifer Love Hewitt in "Can't Hardly Wait." He was also in one of the worst movies ever that your wife/girlfriend probably loves: "Empire Records."
If Jake Peavy was awesome, he would grow a mullet and mustache so that he looked like the spitting image of Kenny Powers, the washed up has-been pitcher Danny McBride plays in the HBO series "Eastbound and Down." As long as he started eating at White Castle on a regular basis, he'd fit right in with the rest of the south side of Chicago and endear himself to White Sox fans.
Cliff Lee looks so much like the guy who beat the crap out of Jennifer Lopez in the movie "Enough" that that might be enough for the violence-loving retards in Philly to embrace him no matter how poorly he pitches.
Scott Rolen doesn't know why they call it "Hamburger Helper" because it does just fine by itself. He also wants to know how you want your bun, light or dark?
I know that Roy Halladay didn't end up getting traded, but he was a big part of the trade talks and rumors and looks so much like the mouth-breathing kid whose family visits H.I. and Ed that I just had to include him. Hit the deck, boy!
