Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Ray Pruit's Party Handbook
Back in college my housemates and I threw our fair share of house parties. After the first few parties, we realized that in order for a house party to be a success, certain rules needed to be enacted. So over the years we assembled some guidelines, that if followed, would ensure a bitchin' time would be had by all. We named it "Ray Pruit's Party Handbook" after our favorite character on "Beverly Hills, 90210." We figured that anybody who beat the shit out of Donna Martin is someone who knows how to party, and someone we would want to party with.
What follows is the current edition of the "Ray Pruit Party Handbook." Like the Constitution, the "Ray Pruit" is a living document and subject to amendments and additions. Feel free to print it out for your next house party. But more importantly: Learn it, know it, live it.
- DO drink as much beer as possible. Why else are you there? To make friends?
- DO keep the Jaeger on ice. It says "Serve Chilled" for a reason, douche bag.
- DON'T pass out in public. If you're planning on spending the night, sleep somewhere secure. Otherwise don't bitch about what happens to you after you pass out. (Doesn't apply to roofie victims.)
- DON'T lock yourself in our bathroom and pass out. The congestion in the house from having one less piss pot we'll be reason enough for us to fuck you up like a car crash. (Again, the roofie victims get a pass on this one.)
- DON'T wear any club colors or bandanas. This place doesn't need to turn into "Road House."
- DON'T get another beer until you finish the one you have. If you dump your beer to hike up your beer count, you are a wuss: Part wimp and part pussy. Leave your "beer count" where it belongs: in high school.
- DON'T be that guy. Your tee time isn't until tomorrow morning, so leave the visor at home.
- DON'T be a tough guy. Squash potentially violent situations and let cooler heads prevail by heeding the advice of the Digital Underground: When a dude a chump pump/points his finger like a stump/tell him, "Step off, I'm doing the Hump."
- DON'T be an asshole, use a coaster.
- DON'T use the carpet as an ashtray.
- DON"T show off your new cell phone. Cell phones aren't a commodity, they are a convenience. Take your boring bullshit phone conversations outside. In addition, no one needs to hear you calling everyone on your Contacts List to make sure you're at the best party possible. Relax, Chief. Any party you are at, can't be the best place to be. That spot is taken by the place you just left. So do us all a favor and fuck off.
- DON'T cut in line at the keg. This does not apply for House Cups or hot chicks.
- DO respect the fact that the kids with the House Cups decide who the hot chicks are.
- DON'T ruin everyone else's good time just because you don't know how to drive drunk. If you get pulled over by the cops, you were not at our party. You were at a pornography shop, buying pornography.
- DON'T play or request any Dave Matthews or any music Dave Matthews would approve of, or listen to. Dave Matthews is not good. Liking him will not get you laid, no matter how many times you've seen Dave "rock out live." You and Dave are both massive tools.
- DON'T take fashion cues from the WWF. Hey Ladies, unless Hulk Hogan has ever body slammed your fat ass in the Silverdome, you shouldn't be wearing a shirt with only one strap. That's reserved for the big man. So respect Andre the Giant or fuck off, tubby.
- DON'T talk to strangers. Strangers are not "friends you haven't met yet." They are randoms who need to be kicked out. (After they pay for their cup.)
- DON'T bring any roofies to this party. Don't turn our house into a rape den just because you don't know how to seal the deal. We get it; you get nervous when you talk to girls and they never like you as much as you like them. But it's time to take off the training wheels, son. The girls here are drinking or already drunk. If you can't figure out how that works to your advantage, then you deserve to live a lonely life of sitting backwards on a toilet jerking off.
- DON'T gank our shit.
- DO know when to leave. If we're making breakfast and "Sportscenter" is on its fifth replay, then it's time to hit the bricks. Thanks for coming, but thanks for leaving.
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Good start to the party guide. I feel like you ignored the guy who has to put his hand on everyone's shoulder like he's your older brother or guidance counselor though. Can't leave a chick thing off either. The pissed off, scorned girlfriend act is beat too. The sloppy drunk bitch who storms outside with a warm, 2hr beer with 2 of her closest friends to bitch about men. Go one step further, get in the car and leave.
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