Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Join the Nintendo Fun Club!
- The above picture is courtesy of this site. Try it out yourself and come up with your own Mad Libs. Or don't.
- For something a little less tame and a lot more horrifying, feast your eyes on this clip. I didn't think the combination of tits and a pussy could ever be bad, but leave it to the Japanese to shatter that assumption. Looks like Chocolate and Peanut Butter will be taking over the title as The Best Combination Ever. With this combination running a close second.
- Some nerd figured out how to turn an old NES into an alarm clock. If you're hesitant to ruin your Nintendo because you still haven't beaten Mike Tyson, don't worry. You can fend off Iron Mike, right here. Show Desiree Washington how it's done! Or check out what some Japanese kids managed to pull off, after they were done fucking around with their cats.
- If the make your own alarm clock tickled your pickle, than this little How-To is right up your alley. With a little ebay searching and some hard work you can make your own light-up pinball game coffee table. I think the girl in the pic needs to spend a little less time making videogame furniture and a little more time tweezing. She's got those brows blazin', Peter Gallagher style.
- And finally, here in The D, people are beginning to get ensnared by the lure of The Big Game. That's right, the Lotto Jackpot is in the neighborhood of $270MM. Normally, I'm the type of guy that says "Pudding is delicious," not the type that frequently buys tickets at the local party store. (Though, I have been known to catch Pac-Man Fever every once in a while.) But whenever a group of friends/family/co-workers ask me to partake in their Lotto Pool, I have to join in. Why? Because I would kill myself if said group of people actually pull a Homer and win the jackpot. The regret and envy that I would have if I didn't get a cut of that oversized check would be lifelong. To avoid that experience is worth the sawbuck that it cost to join the group, regardless of how unlikely the odds are that it happens. I consider it an insurance policy as much as I do an investment. So here's hoping that tonight's drawing is a recreation of puberty and that my all my balls drop the way I want them to and I end up with a big smile on my face. And that it wasn't all an elaborate prank.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Dancing With the Stars Sloshed
Are you a wallflower? Do you avoid dancing because you're afraid of making a fool of yourself? Well, don't be! All you need is a little liquid courage to get you started. Now you may be thinking that I'm talking about drinking beer or liquor. Well I'm not. I'm talking about drinking beer and liquor. Together. Like God intended.
"In which order do I drink it?" you ask. "Beer before liquor, or liquor before beer? Because I've heard it said both ways," you say.
Ready to have your mind blown? There is no order. You combine the beer and liquor, add some lemonade for nutritional value, and you got yourself a whole bunch of Dancing Fuel. The official name is Porchcrawler. And. It. Is. Delicious.
Here is the recipe:
30 pack of Miller High Life
1 half gallon of vodka
2 cans of frozen lemonade concentrate
(for a smaller batch use a 12 pack, a fifth and 1 can of concentrate)
Here is what it can make you do:
"In which order do I drink it?" you ask. "Beer before liquor, or liquor before beer? Because I've heard it said both ways," you say.
Ready to have your mind blown? There is no order. You combine the beer and liquor, add some lemonade for nutritional value, and you got yourself a whole bunch of Dancing Fuel. The official name is Porchcrawler. And. It. Is. Delicious.
Here is the recipe:
30 pack of Miller High Life
1 half gallon of vodka
2 cans of frozen lemonade concentrate
(for a smaller batch use a 12 pack, a fifth and 1 can of concentrate)
Here is what it can make you do:
I have to admit, I don't know the science behind it. All I know is that Porchcrawler can provide you with some smooth moves. I assume the alcohol loosens up the inhibitions and the Vitamin C in the lemonade loosens up the joints for better movement. Either way, you can't argue with the results. Now get out of here and get dancing!
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Happy (Scott) Valentine's Day
During this hectic Hallmark Holiday Season don't forget to slow down, put on a Billy Vera and the Beaters album and give your respective Mallory Keaton (or Alex P. Keaton) a hug and a "Heeeyyy." Because that is what it is really all about. Sha la la la laaa.I just hope the love of my life buys me a work of art painted by the other love of my life. I know getting an actual painting is out of the question, but I'd even settle for the instructional videos. The soft-spoken genius could teach me from beyond the grave, Vincent Price style, and I could be calmed and informed simultaneously. Then I could become such a pro that I would be commisioned to paint family portraits of fake TV families, like so:
How lucky do you have to be to land that gig? I like to think that the artist is Bob Ross and that he is contractually obligated to paint every PBS station manager's family portrait, and Steven Keaton is just cashing in on one of his perks. But that's just me. You got to hand it to the guy, though. No matter who he is, the bastard can paint!As a final note, I wouldn't be surprised if someone with a little more know-how and elbow grease starts taking promotional pictures from sitcoms of the 80's and 90's and turning them into actual family portraits to sell at like Urban Outfitters or Spencer's Gifts. What hipster wouldn't want an 11x14 posed portrait of the Seaver, Huxtable, or Tanner family to put on their mantel? I know I wouldn't be able to resist.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Heckle and Jeckle
It appears that the boys of "Brokeback Mountain" have fans outside of the Hollywood elite Oscar and Golden Globe voters. It was recently reported that the student section for Gonzaga University basketball team has been chanting "Brokeback Mountain" at opposing players. It is safe to assume that the fans aren't suggesting that the opposing players are competent ranch herders, but rather that they share the sexual preferences of the two main characters.
This type of heckling isn't new to the college sports student body. In fact, when compared to past instances, it is relatively tame. Here's a brief rundown for those curious to what is considerd "college spirit" these days:
- At the University of Michigan's Yost Arena, the student body is notorious for partaking in crass cheers aimed at the other team. One cheer in particular is creating quite a controversey. It seems that each year a new vulgarity is added to the end of a cheer that describes an opposing player. Unfortunately this year's chosen curse isn't as couth as the the curses chosen in previous years. It is nice to see a "living document" in action though.
- UofM Basketball fans also got into the act, targeting Michigan State Spartan Paul Davis. Intrepid UofM fans found out that Davis and his girlfriend had broken up earlier in the week. Consequently, these fans found out the name of the newly ex-girlfriend and had pictures of her blown up and distributed at the arena.
- Duke's J.J. Redick has been a popular target of ridicule from opposing fans. While many signs and chants question his sexuality, some "fans" take further steps to disrupt his concentration.
- Race has also played a part in this type of jeering, with the most famous instance involving Patrick Ewing and his alleged "inability" to read a sign about himself.
- Without a doubt, though, the most heinous example of fans crossing the line of taste and decorum occured at Arizona State University where fans yelled "PLO" and "Where's your Dad?" to Arizona freshman Steve Kerr. Kerr's father had been a college professor and was killed by terrorists at American University in Beirut in 1984. (Here is a google-archived article from the Arizona Daily Wildcat that goes into a little further detail and offers more examples of the classlessness of some ASU fans.)
- And just to be "Fair and Balanced," O'Reilly style, here's an article by some old milkshake that defends heckling.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Bullets Over Blogway
Some random thoughts on a boring weekend afternoon.
- The new trailer is up for Will Ferrell's new NASCAR movie, Talladega Nights. Frankly, it doesn't look as funny as the trailers were for "Anchorman " or even "Kicking and Screaming." Hopefully I'll be proven wrong on this one, but I usually have a pretty good track record on predicting whether or not movies will be funny or not. I knew from the get-go that "Grandma's Boy" and "The Man" would be busts. So be forewarned.
- Whenever I see someone who has a southern accent, I automatically assume that I am smarter than they are. I don't know what it is, but there is just something about the twang and the presence of double negatives that gets to me every time.
- Yesterday someone tried to tell me that the guy who played Willis in a black 70's sitcom had died. I assumed that they were referring to Todd Bridges, of Skating With The Celebrities fame, but was then told the guy who died was white. So then I figured it was Mr. Drummond who had shuffled off the mortal coil and I was all ready to give a fitting send off while linking to his obit. But alas, my plans were thwarted when I found out it was the neighbor from "The Jeffersons" who died. I liked the quote so much though, that I'll just use it anyway. Oh Conrad Bain, you ruled over Arnold and Willis with an iron fist but with also a touch of class. You will be missed.
- During an interview on the Howard Stern show yesterday, Lisa Loeb mentioned that her initial intention while writing her one-hit wonder "Stay" was to offer it to Hall and Oates because they were "looking for songs." I think she made a poor decision. In the annals of history I would rather be known as a songwriter for the most successful rock duo in history than a one-hit wonder like this duo. A big boo-urns to you, Lisa Loeb.
- Speaking of the soulful stylings of the whitest group ever to sound black, if you are a fan of Hall and Oates, Kenny Loggins, or Michael McDonald (and really, who isn't?) then do yourself a favor and check out Yacht Rock. I can't recommend it enough. I love it so much I should marry it. Seriously, its so sweet the url should be thebomb.com.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Super Fan 99
So this week the New Jersey authorites made Wayne Gretzky's head bleed, NHL '93 style. It seems like Wayne-o could be in some serious shit and his wife in even deeper shit if the allegations are true. Hockey fans in Canada must be loving the fact that the Yoko Ono of the NHL is getting some karmic payback for taking the Great One away from the land of poutine, loonies, and Degrassi Junior High.
For the locals of Hockeytown, it shouldn't come as much of surprise that the NHL is comprised of players with questionable morals. Case in point, via whatevs.org: witness Chris Chelios, aka Al Bundy, (as in Married, with Children) laughing and drinking it up with some UofM coeds. But let's not roll out the old jump to conclusions mat just yet. These girls were probably just letting Mr. Chelios know how much they enjoyed his work in their favorite movie. Regardless, if the new location of the missing lampshade in the background is any indication, the party must've been a blowout! Better watch out MSU, it looks like your "Best Party School" crown could be in jeopardy!
And on the national scene, it is common knowledge that Jaromir Jagr is a degenerate gambler who tried
to skip out on the roughly half a mil that he owed an online casino. Not until the casio threatened Jagr by cutting off his beloved mullet, Godfather style, did Jagr acquiesce and pay some of the money back. After his $300K haircut, Jagr realized the dangers of gambling and tried to warn others. If only they had listened...Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Letter to Jeremy Piven.
Dear Jeremy Piven,Congratulations. Not for all of your current success with "Entourage," which you deserve to bask in. But because this is what you used to look like. You were once cast as the George Costanza character in "Jerry!" and now you're the cat's pajamas; enjoying the spoils of being a magazine coverboy and being hailed as a paragon of hipness and style. What a fucking turnaround. How did you do it? I mean, you looked 40 years old fifteen years ago!
If it is true that Hollywood is just like high school, then you're the girl Alicia Silverstone makes over in "Clueless." You're the real life version of the main character in "She's All That." You're a walking, talking cliche of numerous cheesy date movies and sitcoms from the 80's and 90's, and I could not be more fascinated. Did you ditch all your old "character actor" friends? Have you broken up with your girlfriend/wife/boyfriend(?) because you can snag better talent now? Or maybe you're in the process of...
Who is your agent? Who is your trainer? What is the secret? How did you do it? I need details. How long was this in the making? Did it come from a cream or a pill? And I'm not talking about just your hair. I assume you get your hair from the same guy Bruce Willis and Nic Cage get theirs from. I mean, whatever you were doing in your first 30 or so years made you look older than you were. But now, you look younger than ever. I would love to know what inspires someone at your station in life to stage this kind of metamorphasis.
Hopefully you can make some time in your schedule between your "Esquire" interviews and your red carpet appearances at Maxim-sponsored events to answer my questions. I find you to be an inspiration and THE reason to always keep my feet on the ground and to always keep reaching for the stars.
Cheers,
JFunk
P.S. - Whatever the hell your secret is, you might want to give a heads up to the guy who plays E on your show. That dude is beginning to look haggard.
P.P.S - I'm not gay.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Long time listener, first time caller
The title of this site is a misnomer. I also enjoy Pabst Blue Ribbon. And there have been times when I took off my robe, put on a pair of action slacks and drank a few imports. I find that High Life brings out the best in me as well as in my friends. We call it "A" Game in a Bottle. Aren't we clever?
Aaaanyway, I guess my plan for this thing is to post manifestos, diatribes, food for thought, inspirational messages, and all the comings and goings that I experience in this big blue marble we call Earth. This is my first real go around actually "contributing" to the internerd instead of just using it like you used the first kid on your block who got Nintendo. So gimme a breaksville while I figure out what the hell this thing is going to become. And yes, I'm talking to you, non-existent reader.
Aaaanyway, I guess my plan for this thing is to post manifestos, diatribes, food for thought, inspirational messages, and all the comings and goings that I experience in this big blue marble we call Earth. This is my first real go around actually "contributing" to the internerd instead of just using it like you used the first kid on your block who got Nintendo. So gimme a breaksville while I figure out what the hell this thing is going to become. And yes, I'm talking to you, non-existent reader.
