Tuesday, February 28, 2006

 

Join the Nintendo Fun Club!



Wednesday, February 15, 2006

 

Dancing With the Stars Sloshed

Are you a wallflower? Do you avoid dancing because you're afraid of making a fool of yourself? Well, don't be! All you need is a little liquid courage to get you started. Now you may be thinking that I'm talking about drinking beer or liquor. Well I'm not. I'm talking about drinking beer and liquor. Together. Like God intended.

"In which order do I drink it?" you ask. "Beer before liquor, or liquor before beer? Because I've heard it said both ways," you say.

Ready to have your mind blown? There is no order. You combine the beer and liquor, add some lemonade for nutritional value, and you got yourself a whole bunch of Dancing Fuel. The official name is Porchcrawler. And. It. Is. Delicious.

Here is the recipe:

30 pack of Miller High Life
1 half gallon of vodka
2 cans of frozen lemonade concentrate
(for a smaller batch use a 12 pack, a fifth and 1 can of concentrate)

Here is what it can make you do:



I have to admit, I don't know the science behind it. All I know is that Porchcrawler can provide you with some smooth moves. I assume the alcohol loosens up the inhibitions and the Vitamin C in the lemonade loosens up the joints for better movement. Either way, you can't argue with the results. Now get out of here and get dancing!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

 

Happy (Scott) Valentine's Day

During this hectic Hallmark Holiday Season don't forget to slow down, put on a Billy Vera and the Beaters album and give your respective Mallory Keaton (or Alex P. Keaton) a hug and a "Heeeyyy." Because that is what it is really all about. Sha la la la laaa.

I just hope the love of my life buys me a work of art painted by the other love of my life. I know getting an actual painting is out of the question, but I'd even settle for the instructio
nal videos. The soft-spoken genius could teach me from beyond the grave, Vincent Price style, and I could be calmed and informed simultaneously. Then I could become such a pro that I would be commisioned to paint family portraits of fake TV families, like so:
How lucky do you have to be to land that gig? I like to think that the artist is Bob Ross and that he is contractually obligated to paint every PBS station manager's family portrait, and Steven Keaton is just cashing in on one of his perks. But that's just me. You got to hand it to the guy, though. No matter who he is, the bastard can paint!

As a final note, I wouldn't be surprised if someone with a little more know-how and elbow grease starts taking promotional pictures from sitcoms of the 80's and 90's and turning them into actual family portraits to sell at like Urban Outfitters or Spencer's Gifts. What hipster wouldn't want an 11x14 posed portrait of the Seaver, Huxtable, or Tanner family to put on their mantel? I know I wouldn't be able to resist.

Monday, February 13, 2006

 

Heckle and Jeckle


It appears that the boys of "Brokeback Mountain" have fans outside of the Hollywood elite Oscar and Golden Globe voters. It was recently reported that the student section for Gonzaga University basketball team has been chanting "Brokeback Mountain" at opposing players. It is safe to assume that the fans aren't suggesting that the opposing players are competent ranch herders, but rather that they share the sexual preferences of the two main characters.

This type of heckling isn't new to the college sports student body. In fact, when compared to past instances, it is relatively tame. Here's a brief rundown for those curious to what is considerd "college spirit" these days:
As for my personal opinion, I'm not a big fan of obvious or tactless humor. I appreciate the more clever chants/signs/heckles, such as the Maryland fan pictured above doing his part to subversively mock his opponents. Frankly, I'm more offended that the student body of Gonzaga couldn't come up with something more creative than "Brokeback Mountain," than I am of the stereotypes and anti-gay sentiments they are spreading. I mean, the chant doesn't even make any sense. And even if it did make sense, the "Brokeback" reset is already plaaayed out. What's next, a "Philadelphia" chant? Get with the now, Gonzaga, but more importantly, get funnier.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

 

Bullets Over Blogway

Some random thoughts on a boring weekend afternoon.
That is it for today. I'm gonna go call up Tom Jones and we're going to go marlin fishing and then turn this city upside down. I mean it is Saturday night.

Friday, February 10, 2006

 

Super Fan 99



So this week the New Jersey authorites made Wayne Gretzky's head bleed, NHL '93 style. It seems like Wayne-o could be in some serious shit and his wife in even deeper shit if the allegations are true. Hockey fans in Canada must be loving the fact that the Yoko Ono of the NHL is getting some karmic payback for taking the Great One away from the land of poutine, loonies, and Degrassi Junior High.



For the locals of Hockeytown, it shouldn't come as much of surprise that the NHL is comprised of players with questionable morals. Case in point, via whatevs.org: witness Chris Chelios, aka Al Bundy, (as in Married, with Children) laughing and drinking it up with some UofM coeds. But let's not roll out the old jump to conclusions mat just yet. These girls were probably just letting Mr. Chelios know how much they enjoyed his work in their favorite movie. Regardless, if the new location of the missing lampshade in the background is any indication, the party must've been a blowout! Better watch out MSU, it looks like your "Best Party School" crown could be in jeopardy!


And on the national scene, it is common knowledge that Jaromir Jagr is a degenerate gambler who tried to skip out on the roughly half a mil that he owed an online casino. Not until the casio threatened Jagr by cutting off his beloved mullet, Godfather style, did Jagr acquiesce and pay some of the money back. After his $300K haircut, Jagr realized the dangers of gambling and tried to warn others. If only they had listened...

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

 

Letter to Jeremy Piven.

Dear Jeremy Piven,

Congratulations. Not for all of your current success with "Entourage," which you deserve to bask in. But because this is what you used to look like. You were once cast as the George Costanza character in "Jerry!" and now you're the cat's pajamas; enjoying the spoils of being a magazine coverboy and being hailed as a paragon of hipness and style. What a fucking turnaround. How did you do it? I mean, you looked 40 years old fifteen years ago!

If it is true that Hollywood is just like high school, then you're the girl Alicia Silverstone makes over in "Clueless." You're the real life version of the main character in "She's All That." You're a walking, talking cliche of numerous cheesy date movies and sitcoms from the 80's and 90's, and I could not be more fascinated.
Did you ditch all your old "character actor" friends? Have you broken up with your girlfriend/wife/boyfriend(?) because you can snag better talent now? Or maybe you're in the process of...

Who is your agent? Who is your trainer? What is the secret? How did you do it? I need details. How long was this in the making? Did it come from a cream or a pill? And I'm not talking about just your hair. I assume you get your hair from the same guy Bruce Willis and Nic Cage get theirs from. I mean, whatever you were doing in your first 30 or so years made you look older than you were. But now, you look younger than ever. I would love to know what inspires someone at your station in life to stage this kind of metamorphasis.

Hopefully you can make some time in your schedule between your "Esquire" interviews and your red carpet appearances at Maxim-sponsored events to answer my questions. I find you to be an inspiration and THE reason to always keep my feet on the ground and to always keep reaching for the stars.

Cheers,
JFunk

P.S. - Whatever the hell your secret is, you might want to give a heads up to the guy who plays E on your show. That dude is beginning to look haggard.

P.P.S - I'm not gay.



Tuesday, February 07, 2006

 

Long time listener, first time caller

The title of this site is a misnomer. I also enjoy Pabst Blue Ribbon. And there have been times when I took off my robe, put on a pair of action slacks and drank a few imports. I find that High Life brings out the best in me as well as in my friends. We call it "A" Game in a Bottle. Aren't we clever?

Aaaanyway, I guess my plan for this thing is to post manifestos, diatribes, food for thought, inspirational messages, and all the comings and goings that I experience in this big blue marble we call Earth. This is my first real go around actually "contributing" to the internerd instead of just using it like you used the first kid on your block who got Nintendo. So gimme a breaksville while I figure out what the hell this thing is going to become. And yes, I'm talking to you, non-existent reader.

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