Thursday, June 29, 2006

 

Movementarian Enlightenment!

This is an orientation clip that the "Church" of Scientology plays to the lemmings that are interested in joining their cult so that they might reach higher levels of understanding and possibly have a career along the likes of Bernadette Peters, The Masterson Brothers, and Jenna Elfman. I mean really, who can forget Elfman's cameo in the unforgettable "Can't Hardly Wait"? The producers are probably still thanking L. Ron that they managed to snag the Dharma from the unforgettable "Dharma and Greg."

Be forewarned. The power of persuasion in this video clip is extremely high. People with dyslexia and men who are secretly gay are especially vulnerable to its message. Here is a list of other geniuses/actors who have succumbed to the truth that is Scientology:

* Kirstie Alley
* Catherine Bell
* Nancy Cartwright
* Erika Christensen
* Tom Cruise (sp?)
* Paul Haggis
* Beck
* Isaac Hayes
* Katie Holmes
* Chak Chak Chak Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan Chaka Khan
* Jason Lee
* Juliette Lewis
* Parker Lewis Can't Lose
* Brandy
* Lisa Marie Presley
* Priscilla Presley
* Kelly Preston
* Stacey Carosi
* Giovanni Ribisi
* The Red Headed Girl from "Dazed and Confused"
* Ethan Suplee
* Vinnie Barbarino


The video quality is really crappy because i had to put it together bootleg style; the original on youtube got pulled already.


Wednesday, June 28, 2006

 

Blowing Out The Hopper

Few things are worse than entering a bathroom after someone just plopped a squat. Especially if you weren't expecting such damage to be done. Everyone knows a few friends/acquaintances that can truly ruin a bathroom with their shit. According to US Weekly and In Touch Magazine, "celebrities are just like us," so here are ten celebs that in their heyday could totally fuck up a bathroom.

Telly Savalas - Is there any doubt that Kojack could rough up a toilet like it was a perp with a bad attitude? No there's not. Between the gyros and the Tootsie Pops, Telly's shit had to have the weight and the odor to render any air freshener or potpourri useless.

Ted DiBiase, aka "The Million Dollar Man" - Anyone who watched the WWF in the 80's knows that this guy was a hairy man. Hair was EVERYWHERE. And men don't become millionaires by spending their hard earned cash on taint waxings. Add to that the chafing he got from wearing a tuxedo in a hot gym 300 days a year and you have a recipe for disaster. Skid marks are nothing new, but between the hair and the blood that was left in the toilet bowl after his Million Dollar Shits, DiBiase produced the unprecedented "Road Kill Effect" in every bathroom that was lucky enough to have his company.

Charlotte Rae, aka Mrs. Garrett - This matronly actress shits in the same manner as Edna Garrett administers discipline; firmly but fairly. "What does that even mean?" you ask. It means that she did her fair share of stinking up a bathroom, but would take the time afterward to give a courtesy flush, check for skid marks, leave the water running for a bit, and use any air freshener available. Unfortch for her, it was to little avail because in the words of Butthead: "You can't polish a turd."

Lorraine Bracco - To begin with, Italians have some of the worst smelling shit ever. Its a scientific fact. And overweight Italians? Hachie machie. So based on this picture, Dr. Melfi is a no-brainer for having shits that smell repulsive. The carbs in all that pasta finally caught up with her. The meatballs and sausage probably didn't help much either. Combine the weight gain with the fact that your wife's shit smells worse than yours does and its no wonder Harvey Keitel always looked like he was in a bad mood. Because he was! And I'll leave you to make your own Edward James Olmos pockmark joke.

Gary Dell'Abate, aka Baba-Booey - This ape must just punish toilets. Big lips, big teeth, big gums, big nose, big shits. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that Gary's Dada-Dookies are as unpleasant as his appearance. Plus, he looks like a guy who reads the newspaper while he's in the can. And anyone who has ever walked into the bathroom after their old man read the whole Sunday paper in there knows that there is some chemical reaction between newspaper and fecal matter that multiplies the smell exponentially. You have to have experienced it to know how much truth I speak.


Harry Caray - Have you ever taken a shit after a long night of drinking? Smells pretty bad, doesn't it? This guy was drunk during every Cubs game he announced. There were 162 games a year. You do the math.

Brian Dennehy - If you want Tommy Boy to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, he will. He's got spare time. But before you answer that question, answer this question: Who do you think taught Tommy Boy that trick? That's right, it was "Big Tom" Callahan himself, Brian Dennehy. Dennehy looks like the only thing he drinks is Miller High Life (good man) and whiskey, and that he enjoys both. He also looks like he's cracked quite a few toilet seats in his day. So you might want to give it five or ten minutes before you enter a bathroom that he just wrecked.


Whoopi Goldberg - If you've seen "Theodore Rex" you know that Whoopi is capable of making a monstrous piece of shit. Plus she looks like a less than thorough wiper.

Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan - Between the coke residue on the sink, the bloody tissues in the trash can and the puke splatter around the toilet bowl, these two bags of bones can really wear out their welcome. But if you can put up with a messy bathroom, one of them might fuck you in it.

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