Friday, July 28, 2006

 

The Jerk Store

To the twelve people who actually visit this site, I apologize for the lack of content. Lately I've been busy doing something I don't normally do: finishing something I started. To be less vague, I came up with an idea for a t-shirt and actually designed it and found a venue to sell it through. So without further ado, here is the shirt I came up with:

You can find (and buy!) the shirts at The Jerk Store, which is the online shop I set up to sell this shirt and some other shirts that I plan on making in the near future. Thanks to D-Man, Jo-Jo and Jess for being a sounding board for the final design.

Okay, commercial over. As a reward for enduring that bit of commerce, here are two clips from the SIMPSONS MOVIE that is coming out next year. Don't know how long they'll stay on You Tube, so get while the gettin's good. (The second clip is the better of the two.)





Friday, July 21, 2006

 

Things I Hate


I'm in a bad mood today, so as a form of catharsis I'm going to list all the things I hate in this world. Here we go:

Monday, July 17, 2006

 

Lil' Hitler

If God punishes me with a red-headed child, he better be as funny as this kid. High five!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

 

Psycho Girlfriend


You are stuck in a relationship with a girlfriend who is a nightmare; none of your friends like her, she doesn't have any friends of her own, and she starts fights for no reason. But you've come to figure out how to handle her and you're used to putting up with her shit, even though you put up with way more of it then anyone should ever have to. You know its not the best relationship in the world, but you don't feel like looking for another girl who could turn out to be even worse than the one you have. It's a relationship of convenience, but at least you know how to deal with it. And, at times, she's not half bad.

Then one day, out of the blue, your girlfriend starts letting you hang out with your buddies without glomming on. She doesn't get jealous when you mention a female co-worker's name. She doesn't interrupt you while you're playing Playstation to ask if you want to join her in watching "Under The Tuscan Sun." Obviously, you become suspicious that she is hiding something. Your girlfriend hasn't been this cool in forever. Actually, she's never been this cool. Something must be up...did she cheat on you, catch a case of the HIV, then pass it on to you? Seriously, what's the catch?

Months go by. She finds porn on your computer and doesn't give you shit about it. She doesn't make you go to her cousin's wedding shower and doesn't make you feel guilty about it. Even your friends begin to mention how your girlfriend isn't so bad to be around anymore. Needless to say, the "new and improved" girlfriend routine goes on longer than you could have ever expected. You're beginning to get used to living like this but you still can't shake the feeling that one of these days your girlfriend is going to break the news that she's pregnant and planning on keeping the baby.

That is what it is like to be a Detroit Tigers fan this year. We can't shake the feeling that the other shoe is going to drop. But the Tigers keep allaying our fears; every time they keep winning a game, a series, or a homestand, that imaginary impending fetus gets smaller and smaller. They have the best record in the majors, for chrissake! It's becoming clear, even to the most skeptical of Tiger fans, that there's a good chance that this isn't a phase, or an aberration. Face it: Your girlfriend finally got tired of acting like a cunt and changed her ways. Hopefully for good.

Monday, July 10, 2006

 

Krush Groovin'

The other day I had a hankering for some candy. Some John Candy. While "Uncle Buck" and "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles" are usually the go-to movies to see classic Candy, I reached back a bit deeper into his catalog and decided to watch the underrated "The Great Outdoors." Needless to say, I enjoyed the hell out of it and that was due in no small part to the talent, acting and otherwise, of one Lucy Deakins.

Lucy, you see, is one of my (nearly) forgotten 80's crushes. And based on a quick poll of my nearest and dearest, I wasn't alone in thinking that Ms. Deakins was the bee's knees. So as a service to jog everyone's memory, I put together a list of some 80's crushes that never got the run they deserved. Some may be a bit obscure and some may be a bit obvious, but what can I say? These are the ladies that rocked my jock, for better or worse.

Lucy Deakins
As I previously stated, Lucy played Cammie, the young townie who caught Buck's eye, in "The Great Outdoors." Obviously, she caught my eye as well, and gave me the hope that I might meet my own "Cammie" on the next family vacation. After eighteen years of family vacations, I can report that the only hot lass I ever spent any quality time with was Ms. Pac-Man. Though, I don't think I was the only one filling her coin slot, if you know what I mean. (And I think you do.)

Martika


I couldn't find a picture online that did justice to the girl who played Gloria on "Kids Incorporated." So instead, I found this video of her singing a cover of Bruce Springsteen's "Thunder Road." It is very cheesy, and very 80's, but I defy anyone NOT to think that Martika rules the school in this video. "Kids Incorporated" was one of those shows that an 8 year old boy wasn't supposed to want to watch. So I had to act upset whenever my sister would turn it on and keep my crush on Martika a secret. Until now.


Denise Huxtable
We can all agree that Sandra Huxtable wasn't anything to write home about. But Cliff and Claire sure knocked it out of the park with their second born, Denise. Self-confident, a little rebellious, and always the coolest one in the room, Denise was like your buddy's older sister, but hotter. And black. Granted, you may question this crush if you happen to catch an old episode of "The Cosby Show" on TV Land that showcases Lisa Bonet's dated haircuts and fashion choices.. But hey, it was the 80's, cut her a break all ready. And don't forget Lisa Bonet was hot enough to inspire Lenny Kravitz to write his only good song: "It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over."


Andy from "The Goonies"
Let me get this straight; In "The Goonies," Mikey is a nerd who not only gets to hunt for actual treasure but also gets to make out with a girl who is so hot that his older brother has the hots for her. Man, I'd befriend a retard if that was the kind of karma kickback I'd get for it.


Jennifer from "Back To The Future"
It is a shame that this actress never starred in any other movies after "Back to the Future." She wasn't in any other 80's teen movies, no flops, no independents, not even in any B-level Cinemax nudie flicks in an attempt to revive her career, Molly Ringwald style. I realize that Elisabeth Shue portrayed Jennifer in Parts 2 and 3 of this trilogy, and was a hottie in her own right. ("Karate Kid," anyone?) But Claudia Wells, the original Jennifer, is light years beyond Elisabeth Shue when it comes to the looks department. All you need to do is compare the two side by side to see that this issue isn't even up for debate.See what I mean?


Susanna Hoffs of The Bangles
We've all seen the "Walk Like An Egyptian" video, and we all remember the closeup of Susanna's eyes when she scans the room while on stage. Watch it again. Her part is about two minutes into it, if you don't want to bother with the whole thing. But it is worth it. She's hotter than you remember, and the whistling solo is funnier than you remember.


Erin Gray from Silver Spoons
Oh what's up, Mrs. Stratton? I was just seeing if Ricky was home. He's not? How about Mr. Stratton? Hmm, he's gone too. Well I guess I'll be leav- what's that? No, I didn't know you guys just installed an indoor pool. That is pretty cool. Well I would but I don't have a swim suit. You don't have one either? That seems...odd. Yes, I know how to keep a secret. Yes, that does sound like fun...a lot of fun. But can I take a ride on that miniature train first?


The Lubbock Sisters from "Just The Ten Of Us"
Here to round out this list are the daughters from the "Growing Pains" spin-off, "Just The Ten Of Us." If you've never seen the show, the premise was that a Rick Majerus look-a-like had to deal with his three smoking hot daughters, and a nerdy daughter with glasses, attending the all boys school he coached at. Hilarity ensued. There were a a couple more booger eaters in the fam as well, but who really cares about their hijinx? Not me. I was too busy hoping there would be an episode where all the sisters woke up late due to a faulty alarm clock and were forced to take a group shower so that they wouldn't be late for school. Imaginary shower sequences aside, "Just The Ten Of Us" still provided enough PG-rated T 'n A to make it a cherished, albeit short-lived, part of the TGIF lineup.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

 

Ray Pruit's Party Handbook



Back in college my housemates and I threw our fair share of house parties. After the first few parties, we realized that in order for a house party to be a success, certain rules needed to be enacted. So over the years we assembled some guidelines, that if followed, would ensure a bitchin' time would be had by all. We named it "Ray Pruit's Party Handbook" after our favorite character on "Beverly Hills, 90210." We figured that anybody who beat the shit out of Donna Martin is someone who knows how to party, and someone we would want to party with.

What follows is the current edition of the "Ray Pruit Party Handbook." Like the Constitution, the "Ray Pruit" is a living document and subject to amendments and additions. Feel free to print it out for your next house party. But more importantly: Learn it, know it, live it.


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