Friday, July 28, 2006
The Jerk Store
To the twelve people who actually visit this site, I apologize for the lack of content. Lately I've been busy doing something I don't normally do: finishing something I started. To be less vague, I came up with an idea for a t-shirt and actually designed it and found a venue to sell it through. So without further ado, here is the shirt I came up with:
You can find (and buy!) the shirts at The Jerk Store, which is the online shop I set up to sell this shirt and some other shirts that I plan on making in the near future. Thanks to D-Man, Jo-Jo and Jess for being a sounding board for the final design.
Okay, commercial over. As a reward for enduring that bit of commerce, here are two clips from the SIMPSONS MOVIE that is coming out next year. Don't know how long they'll stay on You Tube, so get while the gettin's good. (The second clip is the better of the two.)
You can find (and buy!) the shirts at The Jerk Store, which is the online shop I set up to sell this shirt and some other shirts that I plan on making in the near future. Thanks to D-Man, Jo-Jo and Jess for being a sounding board for the final design.Okay, commercial over. As a reward for enduring that bit of commerce, here are two clips from the SIMPSONS MOVIE that is coming out next year. Don't know how long they'll stay on You Tube, so get while the gettin's good. (The second clip is the better of the two.)
Friday, July 21, 2006
Things I Hate
I'm in a bad mood today, so as a form of catharsis I'm going to list all the things I hate in this world. Here we go:
- Bees
- Waiting in line
- When there is nothing good on TV
- Racism
- Cancer
- Having to wake up early
- Traffic jams (not actual traffic, but when that band just keeps on playing)
- Chores
- Mosquito bites
- Traffic jams (for real this time!)
- War
- When people leave only a little bit of OJ left in the container
- Hitting my funny bone
- When I catch the tail end of my favorite song on the radio (just missed it!)
- Homework
- Allergies
- Asians
Monday, July 17, 2006
Lil' Hitler
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Psycho Girlfriend
You are stuck in a relationship with a girlfriend who is a nightmare; none of your friends like her, she doesn't have any friends of her own, and she starts fights for no reason. But you've come to figure out how to handle her and you're used to putting up with her shit, even though you put up with way more of it then anyone should ever have to. You know its not the best relationship in the world, but you don't feel like looking for another girl who could turn out to be even worse than the one you have. It's a relationship of convenience, but at least you know how to deal with it. And, at times, she's not half bad.
Then one day, out of the blue, your girlfriend starts letting you hang out with your buddies without glomming on. She doesn't get jealous when you mention a female co-worker's name. She doesn't interrupt you while you're playing Playstation to ask if you want to join her in watching "Under The Tuscan Sun." Obviously, you become suspicious that she is hiding something. Your girlfriend hasn't been this cool in forever. Actually, she's never been this cool. Something must be up...did she cheat on you, catch a case of the HIV, then pass it on to you? Seriously, what's the catch?
Months go by. She finds porn on your computer and doesn't give you shit about it. She doesn't make you go to her cousin's wedding shower and doesn't make you feel guilty about it. Even your friends begin to mention how your girlfriend isn't so bad to be around anymore. Needless to say, the "new and improved" girlfriend routine goes on longer than you could have ever expected. You're beginning to get used to living like this but you still can't shake the feeling that one of these days your girlfriend is going to break the news that she's pregnant and planning on keeping the baby.
That is what it is like to be a Detroit Tigers fan this year. We can't shake the feeling that the other shoe is going to drop. But the Tigers keep allaying our fears; every time they keep winning a game, a series, or a homestand, that imaginary impending fetus gets smaller and smaller. They have the best record in the majors, for chrissake! It's becoming clear, even to the most skeptical of Tiger fans, that there's a good chance that this isn't a phase, or an aberration. Face it: Your girlfriend finally got tired of acting like a cunt and changed her ways. Hopefully for good.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Krush Groovin'
The other day I had a hankering for some candy. Some John Candy. While "Uncle Buck" and "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles" are usually the go-to movies to see classic Candy, I reached back a bit deeper into his catalog and decided to watch the underrated "The Great Outdoors." Needless to say, I enjoyed the hell out of it and that was due in no small part to the talent, acting and otherwise, of one Lucy Deakins.
Lucy, you see, is one of my (nearly) forgotten 80's crushes. And based on a quick poll of my nearest and dearest, I wasn't alone in thinking that Ms. Deakins was the bee's knees. So as a service to jog everyone's memory, I put together a list of some 80's crushes that never got the run they deserved. Some may be a bit obscure and some may be a bit obvious, but what can I say? These are the ladies that rocked my jock, for better or worse.
As I previously stated, Lucy played Cammie, the young townie who caught Buck's eye, in "The Great Outdoors." Obviously, she caught my eye as well, and gave me the hope that I might meet my own "Cammie" on the next family vacation. After eighteen years of family vacations, I can report that the only hot lass I ever spent any quality time with was Ms. Pac-Man. Though, I don't think I was the only one filling her coin slot, if you know what I mean. (And I think you do.)
I couldn't find a picture online that did justice to the girl who played Gloria on "Kids Incorporated." So instead, I found this video of her singing a cover of Bruce Springsteen's "Thunder Road." It is very cheesy, and very 80's, but I defy anyone NOT to think that Martika rules the school in this video. "Kids Incorporated" was one of those shows that an 8 year old boy wasn't supposed to want to watch. So I had to act upset whenever my sister would turn it on and keep my crush on Martika a secret. Until now.
We can all agree that Sandra Huxtable wasn't anything to write home about. But Cliff and Claire sure knocked it out of the park with their second born, Denise. Self-confident, a little rebellious, and always the coolest one in the room, Denise was like your buddy's older sister, but hotter. And black. Granted, you may question this crush if you happen to catch an old episode of "The Cosby Show" on TV Land that showcases Lisa Bonet's dated haircuts and fashion choices.. But hey, it was the 80's, cut her a break all ready. And don't forget Lisa Bonet was hot enough to inspire Lenny Kravitz to write his only good song: "It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over."
Let me get this straight; In "The Goonies," Mikey is a nerd who not only gets to hunt for actual treasure but also gets to make out with a girl who is so hot that his older brother has the hots for her. Man, I'd befriend a retard if that was the kind of karma kickback I'd get for it.
It is a shame that this actress never starred in any other movies after "Back to the Future." She wasn't in any other 80's teen movies, no flops, no independents, not even in any B-level Cinemax nudie flicks in an attempt to revive her career, Molly Ringwald style. I realize that Elisabeth Shue portrayed Jennifer in Parts 2 and 3 of this trilogy, and was a hottie in her own right. ("Karate Kid," anyone?) But Claudia Wells, the original Jennifer, is light years beyond Elisabeth Shue when it comes to the looks department. All you need to do is compare the two side by side to see that this issue isn't even up for debate.
See what I mean?
We've all seen the "Walk Like An Egyptian" video, and we all remember the closeup of Susanna's eyes when she scans the room while on stage. Watch it again. Her part is about two minutes into it, if you don't want to bother with the whole thing. But it is worth it. She's hotter than you remember, and the whistling solo is funnier than you remember.
Oh what's up, Mrs. Stratton? I was just seeing if Ricky was home. He's not? How about Mr. Stratton? Hmm, he's gone too. Well I guess I'll be leav- what's that? No, I didn't know you guys just installed an indoor pool. That is pretty cool. Well I would but I don't have a swim suit. You don't have one either? That seems...odd. Yes, I know how to keep a secret. Yes, that does sound like fun...a lot of fun. But can I take a ride on that miniature train first?
Here to round out this list are the daughters from the "Growing Pains" spin-off, "Just The Ten Of Us." If you've never seen the show, the premise was that a Rick Majerus look-a-like had to deal with his three smoking hot daughters, and a nerdy daughter with glasses, attending the all boys school he coached at. Hilarity ensued. There were a a couple more booger eaters in the fam as well, but who really cares about their hijinx? Not me. I was too busy hoping there would be an episode where all the sisters woke up late due to a faulty alarm clock and were forced to take a group shower so that they wouldn't be late for school. Imaginary shower sequences aside, "Just The Ten Of Us" still provided enough PG-rated T 'n A to make it a cherished, albeit short-lived, part of the TGIF lineup.
Lucy, you see, is one of my (nearly) forgotten 80's crushes. And based on a quick poll of my nearest and dearest, I wasn't alone in thinking that Ms. Deakins was the bee's knees. So as a service to jog everyone's memory, I put together a list of some 80's crushes that never got the run they deserved. Some may be a bit obscure and some may be a bit obvious, but what can I say? These are the ladies that rocked my jock, for better or worse.
Lucy Deakins
As I previously stated, Lucy played Cammie, the young townie who caught Buck's eye, in "The Great Outdoors." Obviously, she caught my eye as well, and gave me the hope that I might meet my own "Cammie" on the next family vacation. After eighteen years of family vacations, I can report that the only hot lass I ever spent any quality time with was Ms. Pac-Man. Though, I don't think I was the only one filling her coin slot, if you know what I mean. (And I think you do.)Martika
I couldn't find a picture online that did justice to the girl who played Gloria on "Kids Incorporated." So instead, I found this video of her singing a cover of Bruce Springsteen's "Thunder Road." It is very cheesy, and very 80's, but I defy anyone NOT to think that Martika rules the school in this video. "Kids Incorporated" was one of those shows that an 8 year old boy wasn't supposed to want to watch. So I had to act upset whenever my sister would turn it on and keep my crush on Martika a secret. Until now.
Denise Huxtable
We can all agree that Sandra Huxtable wasn't anything to write home about. But Cliff and Claire sure knocked it out of the park with their second born, Denise. Self-confident, a little rebellious, and always the coolest one in the room, Denise was like your buddy's older sister, but hotter. And black. Granted, you may question this crush if you happen to catch an old episode of "The Cosby Show" on TV Land that showcases Lisa Bonet's dated haircuts and fashion choices.. But hey, it was the 80's, cut her a break all ready. And don't forget Lisa Bonet was hot enough to inspire Lenny Kravitz to write his only good song: "It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over."Andy from "The Goonies"
Let me get this straight; In "The Goonies," Mikey is a nerd who not only gets to hunt for actual treasure but also gets to make out with a girl who is so hot that his older brother has the hots for her. Man, I'd befriend a retard if that was the kind of karma kickback I'd get for it.Jennifer from "Back To The Future"
It is a shame that this actress never starred in any other movies after "Back to the Future." She wasn't in any other 80's teen movies, no flops, no independents, not even in any B-level Cinemax nudie flicks in an attempt to revive her career, Molly Ringwald style. I realize that Elisabeth Shue portrayed Jennifer in Parts 2 and 3 of this trilogy, and was a hottie in her own right. ("Karate Kid," anyone?) But Claudia Wells, the original Jennifer, is light years beyond Elisabeth Shue when it comes to the looks department. All you need to do is compare the two side by side to see that this issue isn't even up for debate.
See what I mean?Susanna Hoffs of The Bangles
We've all seen the "Walk Like An Egyptian" video, and we all remember the closeup of Susanna's eyes when she scans the room while on stage. Watch it again. Her part is about two minutes into it, if you don't want to bother with the whole thing. But it is worth it. She's hotter than you remember, and the whistling solo is funnier than you remember.Erin Gray from Silver Spoons
Oh what's up, Mrs. Stratton? I was just seeing if Ricky was home. He's not? How about Mr. Stratton? Hmm, he's gone too. Well I guess I'll be leav- what's that? No, I didn't know you guys just installed an indoor pool. That is pretty cool. Well I would but I don't have a swim suit. You don't have one either? That seems...odd. Yes, I know how to keep a secret. Yes, that does sound like fun...a lot of fun. But can I take a ride on that miniature train first?The Lubbock Sisters from "Just The Ten Of Us"
Here to round out this list are the daughters from the "Growing Pains" spin-off, "Just The Ten Of Us." If you've never seen the show, the premise was that a Rick Majerus look-a-like had to deal with his three smoking hot daughters, and a nerdy daughter with glasses, attending the all boys school he coached at. Hilarity ensued. There were a a couple more booger eaters in the fam as well, but who really cares about their hijinx? Not me. I was too busy hoping there would be an episode where all the sisters woke up late due to a faulty alarm clock and were forced to take a group shower so that they wouldn't be late for school. Imaginary shower sequences aside, "Just The Ten Of Us" still provided enough PG-rated T 'n A to make it a cherished, albeit short-lived, part of the TGIF lineup.Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Ray Pruit's Party Handbook
Back in college my housemates and I threw our fair share of house parties. After the first few parties, we realized that in order for a house party to be a success, certain rules needed to be enacted. So over the years we assembled some guidelines, that if followed, would ensure a bitchin' time would be had by all. We named it "Ray Pruit's Party Handbook" after our favorite character on "Beverly Hills, 90210." We figured that anybody who beat the shit out of Donna Martin is someone who knows how to party, and someone we would want to party with.
What follows is the current edition of the "Ray Pruit Party Handbook." Like the Constitution, the "Ray Pruit" is a living document and subject to amendments and additions. Feel free to print it out for your next house party. But more importantly: Learn it, know it, live it.
- DO drink as much beer as possible. Why else are you there? To make friends?
- DO keep the Jaeger on ice. It says "Serve Chilled" for a reason, douche bag.
- DON'T pass out in public. If you're planning on spending the night, sleep somewhere secure. Otherwise don't bitch about what happens to you after you pass out. (Doesn't apply to roofie victims.)
- DON'T lock yourself in our bathroom and pass out. The congestion in the house from having one less piss pot we'll be reason enough for us to fuck you up like a car crash. (Again, the roofie victims get a pass on this one.)
- DON'T wear any club colors or bandanas. This place doesn't need to turn into "Road House."
- DON'T get another beer until you finish the one you have. If you dump your beer to hike up your beer count, you are a wuss: Part wimp and part pussy. Leave your "beer count" where it belongs: in high school.
- DON'T be that guy. Your tee time isn't until tomorrow morning, so leave the visor at home.
- DON'T be a tough guy. Squash potentially violent situations and let cooler heads prevail by heeding the advice of the Digital Underground: When a dude a chump pump/points his finger like a stump/tell him, "Step off, I'm doing the Hump."
- DON'T be an asshole, use a coaster.
- DON'T use the carpet as an ashtray.
- DON"T show off your new cell phone. Cell phones aren't a commodity, they are a convenience. Take your boring bullshit phone conversations outside. In addition, no one needs to hear you calling everyone on your Contacts List to make sure you're at the best party possible. Relax, Chief. Any party you are at, can't be the best place to be. That spot is taken by the place you just left. So do us all a favor and fuck off.
- DON'T cut in line at the keg. This does not apply for House Cups or hot chicks.
- DO respect the fact that the kids with the House Cups decide who the hot chicks are.
- DON'T ruin everyone else's good time just because you don't know how to drive drunk. If you get pulled over by the cops, you were not at our party. You were at a pornography shop, buying pornography.
- DON'T play or request any Dave Matthews or any music Dave Matthews would approve of, or listen to. Dave Matthews is not good. Liking him will not get you laid, no matter how many times you've seen Dave "rock out live." You and Dave are both massive tools.
- DON'T take fashion cues from the WWF. Hey Ladies, unless Hulk Hogan has ever body slammed your fat ass in the Silverdome, you shouldn't be wearing a shirt with only one strap. That's reserved for the big man. So respect Andre the Giant or fuck off, tubby.
- DON'T talk to strangers. Strangers are not "friends you haven't met yet." They are randoms who need to be kicked out. (After they pay for their cup.)
- DON'T bring any roofies to this party. Don't turn our house into a rape den just because you don't know how to seal the deal. We get it; you get nervous when you talk to girls and they never like you as much as you like them. But it's time to take off the training wheels, son. The girls here are drinking or already drunk. If you can't figure out how that works to your advantage, then you deserve to live a lonely life of sitting backwards on a toilet jerking off.
- DON'T gank our shit.
- DO know when to leave. If we're making breakfast and "Sportscenter" is on its fifth replay, then it's time to hit the bricks. Thanks for coming, but thanks for leaving.
