Wednesday, November 01, 2006


Monkey Business Pt. 2

In an effort to record the absurdity of my training experience at my new job, I jotted down things through out the day that I found amusing, appalling, embarrassing, etc. Here are those notes:

10:50 a.m. - During a Q&A regarding sales techniques, a trainee raises his hand to announce he hasn't been paying attention. The trainer, stunned because he was expecting to answer a question, just shakes his head in disbelief. The trainee assures him that he wasn't joking: "For real - I was just spacin' for a break."

12:05 p.m. - As I look around the room 2 out of the 15 trainees are sleeping. And another one is well on their way.

12:55 p.m. - While learning all the product info on HDTV, a female trainee asks if HDTV will work on her "janky" TV set.

12:58 p.m. - After learning that our company carries the LOGO channel, and then learning that it is a gay and lesbian channel, the same woman literally recoils in disgust: "Ew, I don't need that shit on my TV!"

2:05 p.m. - As we get settled back in after taking a break, our instructor tells us that he "hopes we had time to get our break on." I hold back the urge to yell back "Hells yeah, dawg!"

2:20 p.m. - We have just got done learning product info on some of the features our company offers. Now it is time to answer some review questions on what we just learned. The first question asks what a key strategy would be for selling Product X. Janky TV Lady raises her hand to answer ask a question: "Does a 'key' selling strategy mean the same as a 'good' selling strategy?" No stupid questions, right?

3:30 p.m. - In the middle of a lesson, a female trainee interrupts the instructor to ask if anyone has any hand lotion. A male sitting two seats next me replies that he has a water-based lubricant for her. Our Sexual harassment training was less than 24 hours earlier.

4:45 p.m. - So far there have been at least 9 questions from the group about when we get our free cable service and how much free stuff we get.

By this point in the day here are some of the phrases that my various instructors have used while facilitating our class: "Liberry," "aks," "with the quickness," and "tip." As in "Ooooooohhh...On the TLC Tip." I don't pretend to be a grammar and language elitist, but to repeatedly mispronounce a one syllable word in a professional setting is pretty shocking. I can't believe it is even tolerated.

5:15 p.m. - Our instructor is informing us about the vast "liberry" of free movies that our Company has to offer our customers: "We got a lot of old movies that are great like 'Old Yeller,' 'Raisin In The Sun,' 'To Kill a Mockingbird' by Hitchcock, and 'Menace II Society.'"
Ah yes, that classic from way back in the early 90's.

I'll end today's post with yet another quote from my instructor, who was trying to communicate the quality of the HDTV picture to us: "HDTV has pictures so clear, nature shows look like Woody Woodpecker cartoons!"

I don't even know what that means, but I can't think of a better sales pitch. Sign me up with the quickness!

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