Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Gaydar
Is it just me, or does it seem like gay people are everywhere nowadays? It seems like no matter where I go, I encounter a buttload of gay people. I see them at bathhouses, I see them at rest stops, I see them at the gym, I see them on "Grease: You're The One That I Want!" I mean, Jesus Christ, enough already!
I've also noticed that in the past year or so (fiscal, not calendar) even a lot of celebrities, particularly former child stars, have been either coming out of the closet (Doogie Howser), or reminding us that they are here and queer and naked (Jonathan Bower.) Don't click that last link if you're at work or in public or have a current Non-vomit Streak going.
Obviously, these two examples didn't exactly shock the masses when they came out of the closet, but they did put this hetero on the lookout for what other former child stars might be coming out in future. Here is who we should keep our eye on:
Brice Beckham - Wesley Owens from "Mr. Belvedere" - On the show Wesley had a very close relationship with Mr. Belvedere. The actor who played Mr. Belvedere was gay. Some of the gayness may have been rubbed off on Brice. And that isn't a handjob joke. I'm just saying, is all.
Taran Noah Smith - Mark Taylor from "Home Improvement" - Whenever I got stuck watching this piece of shit sitcom, this booger-eater always seemed to give off the vibe that he was light in the loafers. Then I saw some "Inside Edition" story on how this kid tried to divorce his parents and runaway with his manager. Granted, his manager was a 40 year old woman, but he's probably still confused and shit, so lets err on the side of caution...he's probably gay.
Maia Brewton - Thor Girl in "Adventures in Babysitting" - She seemed like a bit of tomboy in the movie and she was also in an episode of "The Wonder Years" where she played a cool girl who knew how to hang out like one of the guys. Coinky-dink? Maybe this picture will help answer that question? Are they "an item" or "roommates" or "two friends simply posing for a picture" or WHAT? The mind reels at the possibilities.
Brian Eppes - Michael from "Barney and Friends" - To be the most annoying character on one of the most annoying shows in history is quite a feat. What a spaz attack. Ritalin was made for this kid. Now one may wonder what that has to do with his sexuality. There really is no correlation. But for as many times as I called this kid a faggot while having to sit through this show while my younger relatives watched entranced, he just has to be gay. He has to be. I can't fathom any alternatives.
Blake McIver Ewing - Derek in "Full House" and the Rich Kid in "The Little Rascals Movie" - Okay, his name is the first strike against him. Strike two: according to the site www.almostangels.org, a website dedicated to prepubescent male soloists and the songs they sing, he his majoring in Theatre. Strike three is his jaw-droppingly gay performance of Yankee Doodle Dandy in the "Full House" episode where Michelle wants to be the star of her school's musical.
Don't act like you don't remember that episode either. I can't be the only one who still watches an occasional episode of the "House" on Nick at Nite. And yes, I cleared my browser history after going to the Almost Angels site for fear of my girlfriend or Dateline finding it on my computer.
Here are a few others that could also be gay, but because I don't have enough anecdotal/circumstantial/legitimate evidence or talent they don't get to have a full entry:
I've also noticed that in the past year or so (fiscal, not calendar) even a lot of celebrities, particularly former child stars, have been either coming out of the closet (Doogie Howser), or reminding us that they are here and queer and naked (Jonathan Bower.) Don't click that last link if you're at work or in public or have a current Non-vomit Streak going.
Obviously, these two examples didn't exactly shock the masses when they came out of the closet, but they did put this hetero on the lookout for what other former child stars might be coming out in future. Here is who we should keep our eye on:
Brice Beckham - Wesley Owens from "Mr. Belvedere" - On the show Wesley had a very close relationship with Mr. Belvedere. The actor who played Mr. Belvedere was gay. Some of the gayness may have been rubbed off on Brice. And that isn't a handjob joke. I'm just saying, is all.
Taran Noah Smith - Mark Taylor from "Home Improvement" - Whenever I got stuck watching this piece of shit sitcom, this booger-eater always seemed to give off the vibe that he was light in the loafers. Then I saw some "Inside Edition" story on how this kid tried to divorce his parents and runaway with his manager. Granted, his manager was a 40 year old woman, but he's probably still confused and shit, so lets err on the side of caution...he's probably gay.
Maia Brewton - Thor Girl in "Adventures in Babysitting" - She seemed like a bit of tomboy in the movie and she was also in an episode of "The Wonder Years" where she played a cool girl who knew how to hang out like one of the guys. Coinky-dink? Maybe this picture will help answer that question? Are they "an item" or "roommates" or "two friends simply posing for a picture" or WHAT? The mind reels at the possibilities.
Brian Eppes - Michael from "Barney and Friends" - To be the most annoying character on one of the most annoying shows in history is quite a feat. What a spaz attack. Ritalin was made for this kid. Now one may wonder what that has to do with his sexuality. There really is no correlation. But for as many times as I called this kid a faggot while having to sit through this show while my younger relatives watched entranced, he just has to be gay. He has to be. I can't fathom any alternatives.
Blake McIver Ewing - Derek in "Full House" and the Rich Kid in "The Little Rascals Movie" - Okay, his name is the first strike against him. Strike two: according to the site www.almostangels.org, a website dedicated to prepubescent male soloists and the songs they sing, he his majoring in Theatre. Strike three is his jaw-droppingly gay performance of Yankee Doodle Dandy in the "Full House" episode where Michelle wants to be the star of her school's musical.Don't act like you don't remember that episode either. I can't be the only one who still watches an occasional episode of the "House" on Nick at Nite. And yes, I cleared my browser history after going to the Almost Angels site for fear of my girlfriend or Dateline finding it on my computer.
Here are a few others that could also be gay, but because I don't have enough anecdotal/circumstantial/legitimate evidence or talent they don't get to have a full entry:
- Marc Lawrence - Skippy from "Family Ties." If you ever saw the show, you know what I'm talking about.
- Staci Keanan - Nicole on "My Two Dads" and Dana on "Step by Step." I know what you're thinking, but Marc from "Step by Step" was too obvious and I just have a hunch about Staci.
- Casey Ellison - Alan from "Punky Brewster " (He also had a small part in "Mr Belvedere.") And that isn't an anal or oral sex joke, either.
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You left off child star Chad Allen from that crappy Wilford Brimley show, Our House. He also had a small role in the 80's hit show, My Two Dads. I think that about sums him up.
Did the guy accusing others of being gay use the phrase "coinky-dink". Flamer.
# posted by 
: 3:55 PM
: 3:55 PM
Wow, you put a lot of time into researching all these gay kids. I won't hold your being by against you. That is fine. But man, you watched a lot of crap growing up. It rubbed off on you
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# posted by : 4:01 AM
: 4:01 AM << Home
