Tuesday, January 23, 2007



Is it just me, or does it seem like gay people are everywhere nowadays? It seems like no matter where I go, I encounter a buttload of gay people. I see them at bathhouses, I see them at rest stops, I see them at the gym, I see them on "Grease: You're The One That I Want!" I mean, Jesus Christ, enough already!

I've also noticed that in the past year or so (fiscal, not calendar) even a lot of celebrities, partic
ularly former child stars, have been either coming out of the closet (Doogie Howser), or reminding us that they are here and queer and naked (Jonathan Bower.) Don't click that last link if you're at work or in public or have a current Non-vomit Streak going.

Obviously, these two examples didn't exactly shock the masses when they came out of the closet, but they did put this hetero on the lookout for what other former child stars might be coming out in future. Here is who we should keep our eye on:

Brice Beckham - Wesley Owens from "Mr. Belvedere" - On the show Wesley had a very close relationship with Mr. Belvedere. The actor who played Mr. Belvedere was gay. Some of the gayness may have been rubbed off on Brice. And that isn't a handjob joke. I'm just saying, is all.

Taran Noah Smith - Mark Taylor from "Home Improvement" - Whenever I got stuck watching this piece of shit sitcom, this booger-eater always seemed to give off the vibe that he was light in the loafers. Then I saw some "Inside Edition" story on how this kid tried to divorce his parents and runaway with his manager. Granted, his manager was a 40 year old woman, but he's probably still confused and shit, so lets err on the side of caution...he's probably gay.

Maia Brewton - Thor Girl in "Adventures in Babysitting" - She seemed like a bit of tomboy in the movie and she was also in an episode of "The Wonder Years" where she played a cool girl who knew how to hang out like one of the guys. Coinky-dink? Maybe this picture will help answer that question? Are they "an item" or "roommates" or "two friends simply posing for a picture" or WHAT? The mind reels at the possibilities.

Brian Eppes - Michael from "Barney and Friends" - To be the most annoying character on one of the most annoying shows in history is quite a feat. What a spaz attack. Ritalin was made for this kid. Now one may wonder what that has to do with his sexuality. There really is no correlation. But for as many times as I called this kid a faggot while having to sit through this show while my younger relatives watched entranced, he just has to be gay. He has to be. I can't fathom any alternatives.

Blake McIver Ewing - Derek in "Full House" and the Rich Kid in "The Little Rascals Movie" - Okay, his name is the first strike against him. Strike two: according to the site www.almostangels.org, a website dedicated to prepubescent male soloists and the songs they sing, he his majoring in Theatre. Strike three is his jaw-droppingly gay performance of Yankee Doodle Dandy in the "Full House" episode where Michelle wants to be the star of her school's musical.

Don't act like you don't remember that episode either. I can't be the only one who still watches an occasional episode of the "House" on Nick at Nite. And yes, I cleared my browser history after going to the Almost Angels site for fear of my girlfriend or Dateline finding it on my computer.

Here are a few others that could also be gay, but because I don't have enough anecdotal/circumstantial/legitimate evidence or talent they don't get to have a full entry:

Friday, January 05, 2007


Monkey Business Pt . 3

I'm approaching the 90 day mark for my new job. My training class has completed the training course and we've been "on the floor" working by ourselves for the past few weeks. The schedule has been tough, with a lot of overtime hours and a long commute. When I get home, I don't do much other than eat and sleep. But the schedule is getting a bit easier now, so I'm hoping I can update this site more frequently in the near future.

So far four people from my class of fifteen have been let go, for various reasons. The one notable firing was administered to a woman I shared my cube with. A customer had called up with a billing issue and needed a resolution on the problem as soon as possible. While researching the account info, and with the customer still on the line, my co-worker decided to inform everyone within earshot that she was "tired of this shit." While I'm sure many of us can appreciate the fact that the daily grind of office work can get even the best of us down after awhile, my boss didn't see it the same way and it is hard to blame him. My co-worker became tired of the shit our job entailed on our third day on the floor. The third day. We don't even have our company email addresses set up yet. How can anyone be tired from anything?

They replaced my exhausted ex-coworker with another girl from my training class.
A lot of the other people in my class called her "LD," short for learning disabled. She's a nice girl, but young and naive...and probably a little slow. She's also hard to understand; she speaks slowly and her letter "L's" aren't pronounced clearly. For example, when says "digital cable" it sounds like "digit-o cay-bow. Don't get me wrong; it isn't a speech impediment, just her ebonic accent. We got along well and we learned from each other. I taught her how to figure out military time (subtract 12 hours from any time that is past noon) and she taught me what comes in an "Incredi-bo Houk" mixed drink (Hennessy and Hypnotiq).

But in the past few weeks, my new co-worker looks like she might be going down the path as my former co-worker. When our manager, who looks like Larry Holmes (pictured above) but female, couldn't confirm what LD's overtime hours would be for the upcoming week, LD came back to our cube and warned me, and everyone around us, that "If she didn't get her full overtime hours (she was) gonna nut up in this motha-fucka'." Thankfully Ms. Holmes straightened the schedule out, and we were all spared the experience of LD "nutting up."

Then, just a few days ago LD entered our cube mad as hell. She had just returned from a disciplinary meeting with Ms. Holmes. I asked what was wrong. Here's what was wrong, in her own words:

"I just got yelled at for usin' my phone while I was on hoad with tech support. Someone snitched on me that I was talking on my celly. I think it was that one lady, cuz I saw her peekin' over here tryin' to be sneaky and shit."

I asked what our manager said to her.

"She said it was a serious offense and against policy. I toad her though that I'm in the middoh of moving and need to get my electricity turned on so I called DTE while I waiting on hoad for tech support for a customer. I go, what do you want me to do? I need electricity and I wasn't talkin' to no one - I was on hoad for work. What, am I supposed to just sit there?

Of course I knew the answer to that question. But I didn't want anyone nutting up on me or anywhere around me, so I just shook my head in agreement as if I couldn't fathom why they would disapprove of her behavior. Then I changed the subject and went back to work.

That pretty much wraps up this installment of Monkey Business, but be on the look out for Part 4. A few of my co-workers are planning on 'pitching a bitch" if they have to work on Martin Luther King Day. So THAT should be fun.

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