Thursday, October 11, 2007



Tomorrow will close out my first week at my new job, and let me tell you, the difference between the job I have now and the job I had is absolutely astounding. I feel like Elaine from the Bizarro episode of "Seinfeld." The building is strikingly similar, my co-workers, while definitely an improvement over the last bunch, are equally as odd. Things are just different.

In my old position I was constantly monitored, and my actions were always calculated to make sure I was hitting certain sales and productivity targets. If, at any point, management deemed that my performance was nearing an unacceptable level, we would get reprimanded. In my new position, there are absolutely no performance reviews, minimal management involvement, and no productivity or sales quotas. I'm the equivalent of the Maytag Repairman (but I never tried to molest Arnold and Dudley in and episode of "Diff'rent Strokes").

The department I work in is much smaller than the one I used to work in. In fact, there are only 5 other people in my department. And all of them are involved in varying degrees in pyramid schemes. How do I know this? Because all of them have asked if I would like to take advantage of a dynamic business opportunity. After politely saying no to each of them multiple times, I agreed to bring home a catalog of their products. The bean bowl shaped like a snowman's head came highly recommended. And at $36.00, who could turn that down? The head is also microwaveable and dishwasher safe. I promised the gaggle of multi-level business owners that I would definitely keep that in mind.

Other than being in the midst of a multitude of entrepreneurs, the job is absolutely great and feels like a vacation compared to my old job. It doesn't look like I'll have as many horror stories as I used to, but that is a small price to pay for keeping my will to live intact.

Also, one of the ladies I work with has a mustache that is so thick that it makes Tom Selleck's mustache look like it belongs to a middle school kid from Westland who is trying to look tough and be able to buy beer without an ID.

Seriously, it would make Freddie Mercury jealous.

Thursday, October 04, 2007


Throwin' Up The Deuces

During one of our team meetings at work, our manager was going over our production numbers and letting us know how poorly we were doing in hitting the required numbers. Not only were we not meeting the minimum service level numbers as a group, but the minimum service levels were going to be increasing in each of the next three fiscal quarters.

Needless to say, the news was a blow to the team morale and people were frustrated. Specifically, many people felt that the sales numbers were were expected to get were unrealistic. And I can't say I necessarily disagreed with them. Somebody decided to share that with our manager who told us that the numbers are going away and we need to deal with it.

Exasperated, one of the black girls at my work turned to another black girl at my work and announced "Well if things don't change soon I'm gonna be throwing them up the deuces."

I had no idea what that meant, but the other girl nodded in emphatic agreement. She obviously knew what the first girl was talking about, because she was down with the slang. My curiosity was piqued.

I asked the first girl what "throwing up the deuces" meant. She explained that it is what you do when you quit a job; you throw up the deuces by giving a peace sign to your boss/company as a way of saying goodbye.

Upon hearing this, I immediately wanted to use it in every possible situation. Not so much the flashing peace to people like some damn hippie, but the ability to brag to someone that yes, I, whitey, not only knew what "throwing up the deuces meant" but actually used it in the proper context.

Well today, that dream came true; I threw up the deuces to my job. I still work for the same company, but on Monday I start at a different office, in a different position. They gave me a box to pack up my cubicle. As you can tell from the picture of all my personal belongings, I didn't really need it. I took the mentality of Ryan the temp, from "The Office," who claimed if he had to, he could clean out his desk in 5 seconds. I packed up my pens, a pad of paper, a stress ball that the company gave me, and a picture of my favorite word that a friend of mine gave to me. That's it. No inspirational posters, no plant, no fitting comic strip about office life. Besides, not that I read it everyday, but no Dilbert strips have ever accurately portrayed anything close to the things that happened to my office.

I don't think anyone would be able to print a comic strip that did.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007


Survey Says...

My buddy Grod and I were talking about how great of a deal the 99 cent Junior Bacon Cheeseburger at Wendy's is. I argued that it is the best thing you can get for a dollar, followed by a bag of peanuts outside of a Detroit Tigers game and a hot dog from 7-11. Grod claimed that a can of Arizona Iced Tea is a better deal, then the junior bacon, then a 2 liter of Faygo pop.

I thought it was interesting debate, so I mass text messaged all of my friends and asked them to name the top 3 things they could buy for a dollar or less. Here are the replies I received, in the order I received them:

Hebes: A roll of toilet paper, jr bacon cheeseburger at wendy's and a sleeve of rainblo gum

Yoshi: Before or after tax?

Bubs: Jr bacon at wendys. 2-4-1 sunflower seeds at most gas stations but dont know the brand and Beers at ruby tuesdays on sunday

Yoshi: A wendy's cheese burger, box of dots and a usa today or oakland press

Vitamin Z: Arizona iced tea...Junior bacon cheeseburger...Coney dog tuesdays at the biergarten

WillisB: With state tax?

Yoshi: A bag of coke gummy bottles

WillisB: 89 cents in new mexico gets you a biz markie bullshit im looking at it at the gas station

5 Mile: Hostess fruit pies...thats a starts

Bubs: How were my answers? al borlin would have told me what the 100 polled would have voted.

WillisB: Michele contributes the ice cream cone at mcds...and the clearance bin at target...which include a crazy straw and neon cups...98 cent her last count

Vitamin Z: 99 cent slurpee is way up there too

WillisB: You can rock a mean chicken sandwich from chic fil a too...maybe 1.02 but worth it

D-Man: Bacon cheeseburger at mcdonalds

D-Man: Happy hour beer at howard schnellenbergers restaurant on wednesdays

D-Man: And your ass virginity

For the record, D-Man is highly underestimating the price of one of the three things he mentioned.

Everybody knows bacon is extra at McDonalds.

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