Thursday, January 03, 2008
Brown Bagging It
Somebody at work stole my lunch last month. Someone - a coworker - went into the office refrigerator and took my bagged lunch. And no, it couldn't have been a simple mistake. My lunch was the tits, and no one would've confused it for their own shitty lunch once they saw mine.
I had a stacked turkey sandwich with cheddar and jack cheese that I hand sliced that morning from a block of each. It was on an awesome 7 grain wheat bread.
THEN, I also added a baggie full of Cookie Crisp cereal. (To the lunch, not to the sandwich.) Say what you will, but breakfast cereal makes a great lunch-time snack. I'll take some Coco Puffs or Cinnamon Life over anything those Keebler elves can come up with any day.
An ice cold can of Coke and a bag of Better Made BBQ chips rounded out the lunch.
Needless to say I was furious when I realized what happened. I wanted to firebomb the whole goddamn office for even employing an asshole who steals lunches. Who does he think he is, the bully from Billy fucking Madison?
I walked back to my workspace and declared to my coworker that some fucker stole my lunch. He shook his head in disbelief and offered the following consolation:
"Yeah, I can't believe people do that kind of thing...I mean I've thought about doing it a couple times, but you never know the hygiene of the people that made it, ya know?"
Really? You've thought about stealing peoples lunches, and the only thing that stopped you was the possibility that the person who made it didn't wash their hands first? And you're telling this to someone who just got their lunch stolen? Wow, that's awesome. Thanks for calming me down, Kennard.
After my coworker admitted to his low class ways, it gave me an idea. I think I should set up a sabotaged lunch, and hope that it gets stolen by the same piece of shit that stole my first lunch.
I think I should cut some pubic hair off my groin-al area and hide it right in the middle of the sandwich, in between slices of lunch meat. Ideally, he (or she - there are some large ladies at my office) would swallow the hair, but I'd be satisfied if he stops mid-bite when he realizes that its not sprouts that are stuck in his teeth.
I shared my plan with my friends KL, Grod, Bubs, and Willi. They had additional suggestions. KL thinks I should bake cupcakes and place my pubic hair in the middle of the batter once its in the baking sheet. That way it will be hidden and instead of cream filling he'll get some of my short and curlies.
Another suggested that I should run a mile in 3 pairs of sweatpants after not showering for 2 days before I cut the pubic hair to use for the sabotage. Just to ensure that there it contains a good amount of fermunda cheese.
We also discussed the trouble I might get in from HR. Grod thinks that no one would report it to HR, because they would have to a) admit they routinely steal people lunches, which could be a fireable offense, and b) admit they tasted someone else's pubes. Bubs said it might worth getting fired if thats what someone had to go through to get me in trouble and the story I could tell afterwards. Willi said I can just claim that I enjoy eating my own pubic hair for lunch, and it wasn't meant for anyone else, and that I can't help it if someone decided to steal it for themselves. Personally, that is my favorite defense. I can only imagine what is added to my HR file after I say that in a meeting.
I'd also have to never make the same lunch again, because I wouldn't want some random dude walking by me eating my lunch and recognizing my cookie crisp snack and beating the shit out of me.
My buddies also warned me that I should be careful, because the coworker I initially told may have told other people too, or might even be a co-conspirator. And if I do it, and the word goes out that someone
sabotaged a lunch, this guy might flip on me and then I'd be screwed.
They are probably right, and I definitely learned my lesson; from now on I'll go out of my way to avoid talking to my coworkers. And I'll sure as hell never leave my lunch out for the taking. Talk about asking for it.
God, it was such a good lunch.
I had a stacked turkey sandwich with cheddar and jack cheese that I hand sliced that morning from a block of each. It was on an awesome 7 grain wheat bread.
THEN, I also added a baggie full of Cookie Crisp cereal. (To the lunch, not to the sandwich.) Say what you will, but breakfast cereal makes a great lunch-time snack. I'll take some Coco Puffs or Cinnamon Life over anything those Keebler elves can come up with any day.
An ice cold can of Coke and a bag of Better Made BBQ chips rounded out the lunch.
Needless to say I was furious when I realized what happened. I wanted to firebomb the whole goddamn office for even employing an asshole who steals lunches. Who does he think he is, the bully from Billy fucking Madison?
I walked back to my workspace and declared to my coworker that some fucker stole my lunch. He shook his head in disbelief and offered the following consolation:
"Yeah, I can't believe people do that kind of thing...I mean I've thought about doing it a couple times, but you never know the hygiene of the people that made it, ya know?"
Really? You've thought about stealing peoples lunches, and the only thing that stopped you was the possibility that the person who made it didn't wash their hands first? And you're telling this to someone who just got their lunch stolen? Wow, that's awesome. Thanks for calming me down, Kennard.
After my coworker admitted to his low class ways, it gave me an idea. I think I should set up a sabotaged lunch, and hope that it gets stolen by the same piece of shit that stole my first lunch.
I think I should cut some pubic hair off my groin-al area and hide it right in the middle of the sandwich, in between slices of lunch meat. Ideally, he (or she - there are some large ladies at my office) would swallow the hair, but I'd be satisfied if he stops mid-bite when he realizes that its not sprouts that are stuck in his teeth.
I shared my plan with my friends KL, Grod, Bubs, and Willi. They had additional suggestions. KL thinks I should bake cupcakes and place my pubic hair in the middle of the batter once its in the baking sheet. That way it will be hidden and instead of cream filling he'll get some of my short and curlies.
Another suggested that I should run a mile in 3 pairs of sweatpants after not showering for 2 days before I cut the pubic hair to use for the sabotage. Just to ensure that there it contains a good amount of fermunda cheese.
We also discussed the trouble I might get in from HR. Grod thinks that no one would report it to HR, because they would have to a) admit they routinely steal people lunches, which could be a fireable offense, and b) admit they tasted someone else's pubes. Bubs said it might worth getting fired if thats what someone had to go through to get me in trouble and the story I could tell afterwards. Willi said I can just claim that I enjoy eating my own pubic hair for lunch, and it wasn't meant for anyone else, and that I can't help it if someone decided to steal it for themselves. Personally, that is my favorite defense. I can only imagine what is added to my HR file after I say that in a meeting.
I'd also have to never make the same lunch again, because I wouldn't want some random dude walking by me eating my lunch and recognizing my cookie crisp snack and beating the shit out of me.
My buddies also warned me that I should be careful, because the coworker I initially told may have told other people too, or might even be a co-conspirator. And if I do it, and the word goes out that someone
sabotaged a lunch, this guy might flip on me and then I'd be screwed.
They are probably right, and I definitely learned my lesson; from now on I'll go out of my way to avoid talking to my coworkers. And I'll sure as hell never leave my lunch out for the taking. Talk about asking for it.
God, it was such a good lunch.
