Monday, March 03, 2008
5 Celebrities Who Are Considered Hot, But Aren't.
This list may as well be called the Katherine Heigl list. For those of you lucky enough not to know who Katherine Heigl is, she played the fat tub of lard in "Knocked Up." No, not Seth Rogen, the other fat tub of lard. She is also the Amazonian-sized behemoth who stars in "Grey's Anataomy." She sucks and her eyes are too far apart and I hate her.
While recently getting riled up at the fact that the general public considers her pretty when she's not, I decided to create a list of other celebrities who have somehow fooled everyone into erroneously thinking they are attractive. Enjoy. Feel free to add anyone I've overlooked in the Comments section.
Rachel McAdams - This is a picture of Rachel McAdams at a premiere of one of her shitty movies. Unfortunately, I was unable to verify if they showed the film on her forehead or on a smaller screen inside the theater. If she keeps wearing that color lipstick, she's a shoo-in to replace Heath Ledger as the Joker in the new Batman movie.
Mandy Moore - Dear God, do I hate this Mandy Moore chick. Ever since her first music video on MTV when she was a gawky 15-year-old singing about wanting to suck a Blow Pop all day long (or some other thinly veiled reference to boning) she's bugged the hell out of me. Plus, she's ugly...which never helps. Her noggin is so huge, she looks like Mac Tonite from those McDonald's commercials in the 80's. If you don't remember who he was, and are too lazy to click on the link, he was the guy whose head was literally a moon. I'm saying Mandy Moore's head is gigunda, people! And she sucks. She's not funny, not pretty, and fails at everything she does. Every time she comes out with a new album, she goes on a huge press tour claiming saying that her new album is a different style then her previous one, and that her last album didn't really capture her tastes and sensibility. Well at least she seems to hate her albums as much as the rest of the country. The next step is for her to stop making any more of them.
Lucy Liu - I already know what you're thinking and you're wrong. Lucy Liu isn't on this list just because she's Asian. I mean, it didn't help her cause...just kidding. (Kinda.) It's because her eyes are fucked up. (Not like that. God, you're racist.) What I mean is that she's obviously cross-eyed, and you can't be considered good looking while cross-eyed. You just can't. Not by me, at least.
Scarlett Johansson - This woman was named Sexiest Woman of the Year by Esquire. I'll admit that the two big reasons why she won are not adequately displayed in the above picture, but who cares? Roseanne has big boobs too. That doesn't mean she's participating in photo shoots wearing wet t-shirts. This girls a butterface, plain and simple. Plus, her voice is so deep it sounds like she has a dick and balls. I don't know about you, but I like my girls dickless and sans balls. Call me picky.
Paris Hilton - Don't worry, she's not giving you the stink eye. That's just how she always looks, because she has a fucked up eyeball. How does this not get mentioned in every story about her? The term "lazy eyed psycho" has never fit so aptly. This girl is functionally retarded, allows multiple people to film themselves humping her, has the physique of a 10-year-old boy, and the vision capacity of Sammy Davis Jr. Remind me again why people give a shit about her?
While recently getting riled up at the fact that the general public considers her pretty when she's not, I decided to create a list of other celebrities who have somehow fooled everyone into erroneously thinking they are attractive. Enjoy. Feel free to add anyone I've overlooked in the Comments section.
Rachel McAdams - This is a picture of Rachel McAdams at a premiere of one of her shitty movies. Unfortunately, I was unable to verify if they showed the film on her forehead or on a smaller screen inside the theater. If she keeps wearing that color lipstick, she's a shoo-in to replace Heath Ledger as the Joker in the new Batman movie.
Mandy Moore - Dear God, do I hate this Mandy Moore chick. Ever since her first music video on MTV when she was a gawky 15-year-old singing about wanting to suck a Blow Pop all day long (or some other thinly veiled reference to boning) she's bugged the hell out of me. Plus, she's ugly...which never helps. Her noggin is so huge, she looks like Mac Tonite from those McDonald's commercials in the 80's. If you don't remember who he was, and are too lazy to click on the link, he was the guy whose head was literally a moon. I'm saying Mandy Moore's head is gigunda, people! And she sucks. She's not funny, not pretty, and fails at everything she does. Every time she comes out with a new album, she goes on a huge press tour claiming saying that her new album is a different style then her previous one, and that her last album didn't really capture her tastes and sensibility. Well at least she seems to hate her albums as much as the rest of the country. The next step is for her to stop making any more of them.
Lucy Liu - I already know what you're thinking and you're wrong. Lucy Liu isn't on this list just because she's Asian. I mean, it didn't help her cause...just kidding. (Kinda.) It's because her eyes are fucked up. (Not like that. God, you're racist.) What I mean is that she's obviously cross-eyed, and you can't be considered good looking while cross-eyed. You just can't. Not by me, at least.
Scarlett Johansson - This woman was named Sexiest Woman of the Year by Esquire. I'll admit that the two big reasons why she won are not adequately displayed in the above picture, but who cares? Roseanne has big boobs too. That doesn't mean she's participating in photo shoots wearing wet t-shirts. This girls a butterface, plain and simple. Plus, her voice is so deep it sounds like she has a dick and balls. I don't know about you, but I like my girls dickless and sans balls. Call me picky.
Paris Hilton - Don't worry, she's not giving you the stink eye. That's just how she always looks, because she has a fucked up eyeball. How does this not get mentioned in every story about her? The term "lazy eyed psycho" has never fit so aptly. This girl is functionally retarded, allows multiple people to film themselves humping her, has the physique of a 10-year-old boy, and the vision capacity of Sammy Davis Jr. Remind me again why people give a shit about her?
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I disagree about Mandy Moore, but some massive oversights on your part were to omit Julia Roberts (she needs to be shot and made into glue, like the other retarded horsed), Uma Thurman, Lindsey Lohan (a shit load of freckles do not make you tan), the other girl from Grey's Anatomy (the one who looks like an anorexic victim of spousal abuse), and the red-hed from That 70's show. She has the build of a goon hockey player
OMG don't forget mule faced Jessica Parker and all those other prune old nags from Sex and the City.
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