Monday, October 20, 2008
The Definitive Guide to Taking a Dump at Work
Taking a dump at work is an unfortunate, yet necessary, part of life. Depending on how you tackle this (daily?) task, it can either be a stressful and messy cross to bear or a productive respite from the hustle and bustle of office life. The intention of this guide is to make your experience closer to the latter than the former.
This guide is geared towards men, because I try to avoid thinking about women defecating as much as possible. Say what you will, it's just not natural.
A positive dumping experience at work requires a decent amount of legwork and preparation. When you've finally admitted to yourself that you are the kind of guy that will drop a deuce at work, you need to set yourself up for success.
First off, scour the vicinity for all available restrooms. Ideally, you will want to target a restroom that doesn't get a lot of traffic. The more out of the way it is the better. This decreases the likelihood that you will have to dookie with other people present, and allows you to go to the bathroom relatively undetected by your coworkers. If you work in a large office building, don't be afraid to use a restroom on a different floor if you can't find an acceptable one on your own floor. Be creative. I went to an all male high school (I know, lucky me) and a friend of mine used to use the women's bathroom in the athletic wing to ensure that he got the total privacy he needed.
Timing is also key. There are good times to go and bad times. Just like traffic, office restrooms have rush hours. After a morning full of coffee breaks and a lunch consisting of greasy fast food, it should come as no surprise that in the early afternoon your office bathroom is more hopping than a malt shop in the 1950's. Don't even think about taking a dump anywhere near this time of day, unless it's an emergency. Too many variables and potential problems could arise. Just avoid the situation at all costs. Instead, utilize the slow parts of the day to do your business. If a department in the office arrives later or leaves earlier than the rest of the workers, use their bathroom when they aren't in. Remember, total and complete privacy should always be the goal when defecating at work. It is the closest you'll get to recreating the experience of your home toilet.
When selecting your restroom, make sure that the restroom has more than one stall and that the locks work on all of them. When you commit to doing the deed, you don't want to be loitering like George Michael because the only stall in the bathroom is occupado. Also, you want to keep your options open. It's like "Let's Make A Deal." If you pick Stall #1 and you walk in to find the toilet looking like a crock-pot of chili, then you'll be thankful that you have the ability to take your chances with Stall #3 instead. If possible, select the handicapped stall. For some reason a lot of people treat the handicapped stall like it is a handicapped parking space and think only people with handicaps can use it. First off, that's not true: you can use it even if you're not handicapped. Just back into the spot so no one can see your license plate and run your errand as quickly as possible. Secondly, I don't know about you, but none of my co-workers are handicapped (at least not physically handicapped), so the handicapped stall is rarely used and provides the best odds to get a relatively clean toilet. Plus, the space of the handicapped stall is spectacular. Compared to the size of a standard stall, it's like an airport hangar. It's like the "Rain Man" suite. Which, if you think about it, is apt. How anyone can pass up the handicapped stall to take a crap in a stall the size of a seat at Michigan Stadium is beyond me.
If you work a shift a little later than the standard 9 to 5, make a note of when the cleaning crew works on the restrooms in your office. With the proper timing, you'll be able to utilize the facilities while they are as pristine as they will ever be. This doesn't mean the toilet will necessarily be clean - how thoroughly would you clean a toilet that isn't yours for 8 bucks an hour? However, you'll know that there won't be any floaters to deal with and you won't have to put up with the lingering odor of any previous sessions.
With that in mind, always use toilet paper to cover the toilet seat before you sit down. Some people will try to convince you that this is an unnecessary step in the process because public toilets are cleaned more often than you clean your own bathroom, thus your work toilet is cleaner than your home one, so there is nothing to worry about. Bullshit. First of all, I'm the only one who uses my home toilet so I don't have anyone else tainting the seat. (Pun intended.) I don't need to read the New England Journal of Medicine to know that I can't catch some gross butt/skin/private part infection or AIDS from myself. Co-workers are another story. I mean, I wouldn't want to share a taxi with most of the people I work with, let alone a toilet seat. Secondly, every time I use the toilet paper to cover the seat it ends up sticking to the back of my upper thigh/lower rump when I get up due to perspiration. If I didn't have the toilet paper, I would be sweating right on the toilet seat - a seat that has been sweated on by every disgusting cretin in the office who didn't see the need to be hygienic. Plus, who the hell knows how many people pissed on the seat as well? Based on the number of cars in the company parking lot that take up more than one space, I don't have too much faith in my co-workers' aiming ability.
Now you're ready to get down to business. The inclination is to treat a work shit like a bank heist: get in and get out. Fight this urge. You've already done the hard work of preparing yourself for success, so slow your pulse down, get in the mood, and relax. You've earned it. I don't care who you are, you don't get paid enough to rush this. Consider it an additional break, a "Business Man's Meditation" if you will. It is a time to collect your thoughts, reflect upon what got you here and what you plan on doing with the rest of your day. You're not going to do anyone any favors if you hurry through it, only to experience an "aftershock" a short time later.
Some people are fans of bringing reading material in with them. I do not recommend it. First off, walking around with a newspaper or magazine under your arm is a clear sign you're off to the john. You might as well send out a mass email or go desk to desk, announcing that you're about to go take a shit and you're gonna be a while. Even after you're done and you're washing your hands, the reading material you placed next to the sink is still announcing to everyone entering the bathroom: "Hey guess why it smells in here? Because this guy took a giant dump and then read an article about the new season of "Dexter" while it marinated and continued to stink up this place." The only way bringing in reading material is acceptable is if you can be completely discreet about it, so that it won't blow your cover. The best option to accomplish this is to print out an article off the internet. Having normal sheets of paper in your hand won't draw any suspicion from your co-workers and you can just toss them out before you wash your hands. And you WILL wash your hands. Think about it: throughout this process you're touching things that more than likely have some amount of fecal matter on them due to the flush of the toilet sending all these poo particles out in the air. It might be a good idea to use some soap and water to wash your hands before buying that bag of Fun-yuns from the vending machine.
If you end up having to go to the bathroom with other people in the room, and you pull your pants all the way down to your ankles when you sit down to take a poop be sure to avoid letting your ID badge be seen by the people using the stall next to you. Also, if you're older than 8 and still pull your pants all the way down to your ankles, you need to grow up. Seriously. Do you also pull your shirt up and tuck it under your chin when you take a piss? Just stop at the knees. It'll be all right, I promise. It isn't a bad idea to flip the badge around when entering and exiting the bathroom as well. You don't want anyone to put a name to your face. Or to your stink.
It is important to remember that just because you're not at a urinal and not standing up doesn't mean you don't have to still aim when you pee. You don't want to make the mistake of overlooking this fact and end up peeing through the space between the toilet seat and toilet bowl. I'll admit that this problem is rare, but it still happens, so you'd be foolish to ignore it. Especially because if you do end up peeing through that space, it means you're not paying attention in the first place, so you won't notice right way what you're doing. By the time you do, you'll end up with sopping wet underwear (and possibly pants). Have fun dealing with that mess.
If you're unlucky enough to be shitting in the presence of company, try to time your actions with the actions of the other people in the bathroom. Hold off on actually dropping the deuce until someone washes their hands or turns on the hand dryer and use that noise to mask the sound of you doing your business. If the other people in there have any sense of decency, they will help you out by creating as much noise as possible for you to work with. There are few things worse than taking a crap in a silent bathroom. It's like an echo chamber. The way every noise bounces off the walls it makes it seem like you are dropping rocks down a well instead of just plopping a turd in bowl of water 6 inches below you. Any outside noise by that person that can cover the spelunking noises you're making in the stall is extremely helpful in limiting the embarrassment of the situation. Keep that in mind if the roles are ever reversed, and make sure you pay it forward.
As uncomfortable as a silent bathroom is, under no circumstances should you ever attempt to cover the sound of your BM with your own noises. Don't try to cough – you're not fooling anyone. Don't groan or grunt – you're only making it worse. You should be as silent as a monk. And by no means should you ever be talking on your cell phone while taking a shit. It is fucking disgusting and unbelievably rude. Just because it is a similar size, doesn't mean you're in a phone booth. This is not the time to multi-task. Having a loud, personal conversation on your phone in front of people is bad enough, but when you're subjecting them to your phone call AND the smell of your shit, you're being a complete asshole. Taking a dump while talking on the phone is like drinking and driving: you should never combine the two activities, you probably do it more than you'd like to admit, and you should be arrested for it if you are ever caught.
After you're done with the deed, wait until the bathroom is empty before exiting the stall. After all the work you put in to remain anonymous, there is no point in blowing it all by walking out of the stall and into a crowd of people waiting to see what kind of person could create such a horrible stench and/or noises. And for the sake of everything that is holy, FLUSH THE GODDAMN TOILET. Flush it twice if you have to. That is why God gave you two feet: so you could stand on one while you flush public toilets with the other. Think of it as covering up a crime; you just committed an assault on people's sense of smell and decency, so now you have to make sure you get rid of all the evidence.
When the coast is clear, wash your hands (see above), make sure your fly is up, and take a deep breath. You made it! Regardless of what happens the rest of the day, you achieved a major accomplishment. Take a deep breath and walk out of the bathroom with confidence. You are now ready to attack the rest of your day with a clear mind, a full heart, and empty bowels.
One thing to add regarding hiding your noise - if someone's at the urinal and you know your event will be explosive, time the final push to happen right when your unknowing coworker flushes. Bingo!
Now a request - can you publish a similar guide to jerking off in a workplace stall?
Freaking hilarious too.