Thursday, February 28, 2008


Active Procrastination

You know what the worst part about TNT is? Besides the fact they keep making horrible dramas starring ugly actresses in their 40's? The worst thing about TNT is that they specialize in airing movies that are schedule wreckers. Movies that, if you happen to catch while flipping through the channels, force you to watch until they end. You know the ones; movies like "The Fugitive," "Shawshank," "A Few Good Men," and "Speed. " For the ladies its movies like "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days," "One Fine Day," and "Legally Blonde." Movies you've already seen fifty times, but that compel you to ignore all other plans you had just to watch it again.

If you think about it, it makes no sense. If your friend called you and said "Hey, I'm about to fire up 'Enemy of the State' into the DVD player, do you want to come over and watch it?" Would you take him up on the offer? OF COURSE NOT! You would say: "What are you gay? Get real dude that movie came out like 10 years ago...Plus I just caught it on TNT the other day and watched it in its entirety instead of going to the doctor like I was supposed to, to get my AZT prescription refilled."

Of course, you would only say that if you had AIDS. The last part. Not the first part. AIDS patients aren't the only people who watch Enemy of the State. Thank god, because otherwise I'd have to change my name to Ryan White. Or Pedro Zamora. Or Jenny Gump.

Because I'm curious like a cat, I asked a bunch of my friends to name the worst movie that they always stop to watch if it's on cable. My answer is Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Here are the other replies:

Bubs - Gleaming The Cube
Hebes - Meet Joe Black

Amanda - Save The Last Dance
Jessie - Practical Magic
Zerbal - Dances With Wolves

Nemes - Secret of My Success (He described it as the movie with Michael J. Fox where he works at his uncles company and does his aunt.)

D-Man - Toy Soldiers

Delaney - Wedding Planner

Yoshi - Life

5 Mile - Cobra

Grod - Tremors ("Always has been, always will be.")

Hodges - The Mighty Ducks
JoJo - A League of Their Own
White Lightning - National Treasure
Gangbang Lang - Point Break
Chuck: Jack. (Yes, Jack.)

Monday, February 18, 2008


I'm Ron Burgundy?

Last week, my brother and a few friends made the trek up to East Lansing to see Will Ferrell's comedy tour, featuring Zach Galifianakis, Demitri Martin, and Nick Swardson. It was the bee's knees, save for the frat boys and fat girls interrupting the comedians every two minutes to shout quotes from their movies. There was even a dude in front of us who kept squealing "woo" every time a pot reference was made. Since when did dudes "woo"?

Anyway, this is a clip of Ron Burgundy interviewing Tom Izzo. Tom isn't the best improv partner to work off of, but I'm sure it can't be easy being grilled by Ron "The Palomino" Burgundy.

Monday, February 11, 2008


Top 6 Replacements for Alex Trebek on "Jeopardy"

Don't laugh. You know you've always wanted to see the host of "Classic Concentration" shirtless. You don't need to be embarrassed by it. Alex obviously isn't. Some say a man is never completely naked as long he has a mustache. Based on Alex's "come hither" look, I think he subscribes to that theory.

The point of the above picture isn't to make fun of it - there's nothing really funny about it. The point of having a picture of a shirtless 50 year old man with a justache is to remind you that while Alex Trebek was once a sterling example of male virility, he's not getting any younger. Just recently it was reported on "Ellen" that Trebek had suffered a heart attack. Ellen being Ellen, she was able to snag Trebek post-recovery and get the full scoop. Like everyone else, I was happy to hear that he made a full recovery - until he called his heart attack an "infarction" (easy, House) and claimed he diagnosed it before his doctor did.

I'll admit, this display of pomposity and arrogance made me momentarily wish he had died from that infarction. While this thought was fleeting (well not fleeting), I did get to thinking that Trebek is going to need to be replaced as host of "Jeopardy" sooner than many of us think.

With that in mind, I came up with a list of candidates who could replace Alex Trebek as host of "Jeopardy."

6. Pat Sajak - Pat has had to endure so many years worth of retarded contestants on the Wheel, doesn't he deserve the chance to associate with intelligent people for a change? I don't see him switching gigs, but simply adding "Jeopardy" to his schedule. Who could argue against a Power Hour of Pat Sajak? Not me! And not you.

5. Paul Reiser - The producers of "Jeopardy could decide to ride the recent wave of hiring shitty Jewish comedians from the 80's (Bob Saget with "1 vs 100," Howie Mandel with "Deal or No Deal") and hire Paul Reiser. He's just as unfunny as Saget and Mandel, and presumably appeals to the over-50 crowd, which is Jeopardy's core audience. I presume he appeals to that crowd because I don't know anyone under 50 who likes him or that piece of shit show he had in the 90's, "Mad About You."

4. Alton Brown - This nerd from the Food Network should be considered a contender because he is familiar with the games how environment due to his work on "Iron Chef" and, more importantly, because he shares key personality traits with Trebek. Alton Brown gives off the vibe that he knows more than you and feels superior because of it. There is also something about him that makes you want to punch him in the face. Both of these qualities are part of Trebek's mystique and make him such a good host; even if I don't know the answer to the question - I'm sorry the question to the answer - I can still feel good about myself by making fun of Alex when he acts like a pretentious asshole and over-pronounces foreign words.

3. Andy Richter - I know that "Celebrity Jeopardy" is hardly an accurate bellwether of intelligence, but Richter dominated during his appearance and is one of the top celebrity money winners in "Jeopardy" history. He's done the talkshow thing as Conan O'Brien's sidekick and he's had a handful of failed sitcoms, so hosting a game show is the next logical step down the showbiz food chain.

2. Anderson Cooper - Like Alton Brown, he's got game show hosting experience with his work on the underrated "The Mole." He also has an air of superiority, which is hard to fault him for considering his family. Regardless, he appears affable and self-effacing and would be a refreshing change from Trebek's thinly veiled condescension and elitism. Meredith Viera has also proven that hosting both a daily news show and a daily game show is possible.

1. Ken Jennings - It makes perfect sense that most recognizable figure associated with "Jeopardy" besides Trebek would take over the helm. "Jeopardy" producers always make a big to-do about the fact that Trebek is able to pass the qualifying test given to prospective contestants. "Jeopardy" fans always roll their eyes and think "yeah right" to this news. Having Ken Jennings as host would eliminate this charade. Plus, the chit chat sessions with the contestants would be less awkward since Jennings speaks the same geek language as them. No more need for Alex to feign knowledge about "Everquest" or "Simpsons" quotes.

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