Thursday, March 20, 2008

 

He's looking...fit

The first series of games have just ended and still no Moose sighting. We're not ready to put out an Amber Alert just yet, but we're preparing for the worst while hoping for the best.

In the meantime, I managed to capture this video. The quality doesn't do justice to how creepy the guy's stare is at the end of the clip. I wasn't paying attention and glanced up at the screen, and happened to catch this mouth-breather giving me the stink-eye through the TV. Enjoy.




 

Class of '94, Here I Come!



Today March Madness begins and the onslaught of repetitive commercials will torture millions of frustrated and annoyed viewers. While many of these commercials eventually fade away into the ether, a select few are so annoying that they become ingrained into our collective unconscious.

The above commercial is one of those select few. It holds a special place because Enterprise has neglected to update it at all and leave it as is, year after year. Normally, I would agree with their decision. I mean, why fuck with perfection? Unfortunately the ad wizards don't realize that each year it makes less and less sense for Moose to rent a car. What high school holds a 13 year reunion?

In anticipation of the glorious return of Moose and his 2004 rental car, my buddy Grod sent out a mass text message to a group of friends. His original message and the responses follow:

10:59 a.m. - Grod: Who else is excited to see if Moose will rent from Enterprise to get to his 14 year reunion this March?

10:59 a.m. - WillisB: I thought it was his 15th.
**Please note the quickness in which he replied. WillisB is also a former Enterprise employee so we consider him our Moose expert/lover**

11:01a.m. - Grod (To Willis): No, he graduated with me in '94.

11:02 a.m. - Wonka: Fo' sho.

11:02 a.m. - Nikki: Good thing we have all day to see it happen 85 times!

11:03 a.m. - JT: Screw that! I want to know if he's "looking good."

11:05 a.m. - WillisB: Let's see if ERAC's marketing and ad team adjust or go with the unprecedented 14 year reunion.
**Keep in mind Willis is on the west coast, so he's dealing with this first thing in the morning. And ERAC is insider lingo for Enterprice Rent A Car. (It pays to know an insider.)**

11:08 a.m. - WillisB: Over/Under on Moose ERAC commercial sightings during the MSU game? I have 3.
**At this point it's clear that WillisB still has some emotional attachment to his former company**

11:11 a.m. - Bubs: I've got hoes in different area codes.
**They can't all be gems.**

11:11 a.m. - E. Scott: "Looking good, Moose!"

11:15 a.m. - JFunk: I hope Moose leaves his reunion drunk and runs his car into the 2 Applebee's singers...and they all die.

11:19 a.m. - Z: I just hope there is a commercial with Coach K in it.

12:02 p.m. - Hoodges: Yes, I am as well. Why don't they just play the Bud Light frogs or the Bud Ice penguin? Because those are new.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

 

Things That Bother Me

- When people say "Fords," instead of "Ford" when referring to the Ford Motor Company. This is a fail safe way to measure the intelligence of an individual. If a person says that they "work for Fords" you can safely assume that this person is a moron. You work for Fords? Do you drive a Fords Explorer? What's that? You say it's not called a Fords Explorer? Well no shit, sherlock.

- People with lisps. I want the news, not the weather. Go to a speech therapist and get that shit taken care of.

- The limitations of text messaging. I get extremely frustrated when I'm typing out a text message and I keep passing the letter or symbol I need. The worst is when I'm trying to type the number 1 and I keep missing it because I'm scrolling too fast through all the bullshit punctuation marks that come up before "1" appears. If I miss it on the second pass, it takes all of my self-control not to throw my phone across the room.

Plus, time seems to stand still when I need to type out two letters in a row that are assigned to the same button on my phone. You hit the first letter, then wait...and wait...and wait until the cursor moves so you can type the next letter. People have completed marathons in the time it takes to type out the sentence "High Noon featured Gary Cooper, not Tommy Chong." That's why I refuse to type out that sentence on my phone, no matter WHAT the circumstances.

- Getting stuck walking behind black people. For as fast as they can run, they sure walk slow as hell. To be clear, I hate all people who don't walk with a purpose and just saunter or stroll about. But based on my experiences, whenever I'm stuck behind people moving at a glacial pace, they tend to be black. Usually, I encounter this problem when I'm at work; either trying to get to my desk to clock in to avoid being late, or trying to get the hell out of there at the end of the day. If they walked any slower they'd be going backwards. It is like they are walking underwater. It doesn't help that they always walk like they are recreating the opening credits of "Law and Order" when all the cast members walk side by side, and take up the whole fucking hallway.

- The vagueness of Loverboy's "Everybody's Working For the Weekend." Is everybody working for the weekend, in that they are only working Monday through Friday so they can relax on Saturday and Sunday? Or is everybody working for the weekend, in that no one is available to do anything because they are working on Saturday and Sunday? I just don't think I can fully enjoy rocking out to this song until I get some clarification.

- Homeless people begging for money at sporting events. I have a theory that all stadiums and arenas are located at the bottom of hills, because I've never seen so many people in wheelchairs in one place at one time. I figure all of them just let gravity take its course and they all ended up rolling down to Comerica Park and Ford Field.

I realize homelessness is a big problem, and I sympathize. That is why I donate a considerable amount of money to my local police department to ensure that they stay away from my neighborhood. But here's the thing, I don't want to be reminded of their plight when I'm trying to have a good time. I come downtown to drink until I get cut off and heckle until my voice gets sore, not to get a guilt trip from a bum. Yeah, it sucks that he doesn't have a home or a job, but it's not like I don't have my own problems. I mean, I'm about to get charged $8.50 for a can of Labatt Blue. My point is that we all have our own crosses to bear.

Monday, March 03, 2008

 

5 Celebrities Who Are Considered Hot, But Aren't.

This list may as well be called the Katherine Heigl list. For those of you lucky enough not to know who Katherine Heigl is, she played the fat tub of lard in "Knocked Up." No, not Seth Rogen, the other fat tub of lard. She is also the Amazonian-sized behemoth who stars in "Grey's Anataomy." She sucks and her eyes are too far apart and I hate her.

While recently getting riled up at the fact that the general public considers her pretty when she's not, I decided to create a list of other celebrities who have somehow fooled everyone into erroneously thinking they are attractive. Enjoy. Feel free to add anyone I've overlooked in the Comments section.

Rachel McAdams - This is a picture of Rachel McAdams at a premiere of one of her shitty movies. Unfortunately, I was unable to verify if they showed the film on her forehead or on a smaller screen inside the theater. If she keeps wearing that color lipstick, she's a shoo-in to replace Heath Ledger as the Joker in the new Batman movie.

Mandy Moore - Dear God, do I hate this Mandy Moore chick. Ever since her first music video on MTV when she was a gawky 15-year-old singing about wanting to suck a Blow Pop all day long (or some other thinly veiled reference to boning) she's bugged the hell out of me. Plus, she's ugly...which never helps. Her noggin is so huge, she looks like Mac Tonite from those McDonald's commercials in the 80's. If you don't remember who he was, and are too lazy to click on the link, he was the guy whose head was literally a moon. I'm saying Mandy Moore's head is gigunda, people! And she sucks. She's not funny, not pretty, and fails at everything she does. Every time she comes out with a new album, she goes on a huge press tour claiming saying that her new album is a different style then her previous one, and that her last album didn't really capture her tastes and sensibility. Well at least she seems to hate her albums as much as the rest of the country. The next step is for her to stop making any more of them.

Lucy Liu - I already know what you're thinking and you're wrong. Lucy Liu isn't on this list just because she's Asian. I mean, it didn't help her cause...just kidding. (Kinda.) It's because her eyes are fucked up. (Not like that. God, you're racist.) What I mean is that she's obviously cross-eyed, and you can't be considered good looking while cross-eyed. You just can't. Not by me, at least.

Scarlett Johansson - This woman was named Sexiest Woman of the Year by Esquire. I'll admit that the two big reasons why she won are not adequately displayed in the above picture, but who cares? Roseanne has big boobs too. That doesn't mean she's participating in photo shoots wearing wet t-shirts. This girls a butterface, plain and simple. Plus, her voice is so deep it sounds like she has a dick and balls. I don't know about you, but I like my girls dickless and sans balls. Call me picky.


Paris Hilton - Don't worry, she's not giving you the stink eye. That's just how she always looks, because she has a fucked up eyeball. How does this not get mentioned in every story about her? The term "lazy eyed psycho" has never fit so aptly. This girl is functionally retarded, allows multiple people to film themselves humping her, has the physique of a 10-year-old boy, and the vision capacity of Sammy Davis Jr. Remind me again why people give a shit about her?

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