Thursday, July 31, 2008


Idle Thoughts

-You know how sometimes when you're driving you notice that the car behind you is still behind you even after making a few turns and even after you turned into a subdivision? It probably doesn't say much about my patience, driving etiquette, and temper that whenever I notice this I have to quickly think if I did anything offensive since I got in the car that might've pissed off the guy driving behind me. The chances are good that I have - whether it be laying on the horn at some idiot driver or giving a dirty look to some a-hole who doesn't give me the courtesy wave after I let them in my lane. I know I shouldn't get so worked up, but I have no tolerance for moronic drivers. When I get cut off my foot slams on the brakes at the same time as my hand slams on the horn. I can't help it, its reflexive. When someone else's poor driving upsets me, I make sure they know about it. Because of this, I worry that the car that has been following me because my rudeness pissed them off and they want to kick my ass because of it. When the car finally turns off or doesn't make the same turn as me a wave relief washes over me. Looks like no one will be teaching me a lesson today!

-Speaking of the lack of a courtesy wave: there is nothing else in the world that can make a person who just performed a random act of kindness towards a stranger want to kill that same stranger two seconds later. You immediately think "Man, I did something nice for that asshole?" There should be a law that lets you rear end someone if the driver doesn't thank you for going out of your way to help them. That guy would never have been able to get over into the turn lane if you hadn't stopped and let him in. You know it and he knows it. If that prick doesn't realize how thankful he should be and express that gratitude to you, then I don't see how throwing a brick through his back windshield is out of line. You should get a ticket if you don't do something to the other car. Shoot out his tire, give him the finger, I don't care what - but it has to be something. People who benefit from coming into contact with me and experiencing my generosity and kindness firsthand better thank me for it, otherwise they will get to experience my petty and venomous wrath. It's only fair. (You probably now have a better understanding as to why I'm always in fear of catching a beating from any car that follows me for longer than two songs on the radio.)

-It is always a bad omen that you're going to have a bad bathroom experience going number two when it feels like you're suffering from a poor wipe before you've even pooped. It is just the worst. The last time it happened to me I was golfing the morning after a long night of beer drinking. By the third hole, I realized that I had one in the hopper and nowhere to put it, since I won't shit in public bathrooms unless I have diarrhea and I'm about to ruin my socks. Thankfully, this wasn't one of those times. I held it until the round was done. I began to feel the poor wipe effects around the fourteenth hole. I know what you're thinking and no, it didn't help my game.

My dookie was apparently not happy about having to wait around for so long before I did my business, and it didn't let me forget it. Midway through, I was wishing that the toilet was next to a paper towel roll instead of a toilet paper roll because it was becoming quite clear that it was going to be quite the clean up job and I was going to need a "quicker picker-upper." After I was done, I looked at what I did. Yeah, I looked at it. Get over it. Like you don't look at yours. What's that? You don't? Well I would if I were you. Anyway, it was a mess. It looked like I didn't know what I was doing. I'll just say it was nothing to be proud of.

This was one of those times that I would've killed for the wet wipes that a lot of people have started to use instead of regular toilet paper. After the fiftieth wipe, my arm started to get sore and I still could tell that the dreaded "poor wipe" was imminent. Those wet wipes can really get the job done, but I don't appreciate the holier-than-thou tone wet wipe users get when talking about the people who haven't converted yet. They always say how they could never go back to the "old way" and that its gross when you really think about how little regular toilet paper actually cleans.

Another one of their popular arguments: "Imagine if your hands were all muddy and all you did to wash them was to wipe off the mud with dry paper towel and nothing else. You're doing the same thing with toilet paper."

Good point, except that I plan to do a lot more things with clean hands after I get them dirty, which is why I wash them properly with soap and water. I don't have much use for my b-hole after dropping a deuce. That's why its acceptable to have a less strenuous clean up routine. I know this isn't news to anyone, but buttholes and hands aren't the same thing. It's not like you need a sparkling clean asshole to eat chicken fingers, but I'm pretty sure you would prefer it if your hands were fecal-free before you dug in. I'm just saying, is all.

- I don't know if this was just a local thing or what, but does anyone else remember the "helping hands" sign that people in your neighborhood would place in their front home window to let kids know that they were there to help them in case of an emergency? This was back in the middle to late 80's and it was just a sheet of white paper with a drawing of a dark blue or purple hand on it. How mad are child molesters that this type of thing doesn't exist anymore? I don't think there was much of a vetting process in handing these things out. Plus anyone could make one for themselves if they wanted. It's not like the thing was watermarked or anything. The "helping hand" sign is right up there with the witch's gingerbread house in Hansel and Gretel as one of the greatest child lures of all time. "What's that? Your parents aren't home and you're locked out of your house and you need help? And you came here because you saw the hand in the window? Of course, I will help you. I don't want you stuck out in the rain like that. Come on in. Let's get that wet jacket off of you. And those wet clothes. And that wet underwear. Do you know what a gag ball is? You don't? Well you have to try it, it tastes delicious!" Aaaand scene.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008



Will Ferrell and Dave Grohl cover my favorite Don Henley and Stevie Nicks duet ever.

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