Tuesday, September 16, 2008



"So, do you like...stuff?" I used to ask that question to random girls in bars as a way to make my friends laugh. Understandably, the girl wouldn't know how to take it and would ask me what I meant. "You know, stuff. Baseball cards, ice cream, shoes." When they would say that they did, in fact, like the stuff I described (or more typically, answer with a "what?" or an "uh, I guess so.") I would then declare my love for that stuff as well and suggest we should have sex since we have so much in common. It never worked, because we always had too much in common. I liked having sex with women and apparently they did too.

I'm not a fan of WebMD because though I enjoy self-medicating, I don't like to self-diagnose. I leave that up to the doctors. But I've recently come to the conclusion that I am OCD. Not full-blow OCD like having to check the oven every five minutes or having to brush my teeth everyday, but in more minor ways. Like whenever I'm going to a concert or Tigers game I will check to make sure the tickets are still in my pocket constantly. I get so paranoid that I'm going to be left in the parking lot because I dropped my ticket that I have continually reassure myself that nothing's wrong. While this is annoying, it is bearable because I'm not in this situation that often. My big case of OCD is with me always checking to make sure my zipper is up. You could place a lit candle beneath my right middle finger and I wouldn't have to move it because it is so callused from grazing my zipper a hundred times a day. I don't know how I got to this point, but I'm hyper-vigilant about making sure that I XYZ 24/7. I think I'm being sly and low-key when I check, but I'm probably not. I'm sure my coworkers talk about it amongst themselves: "You know that guy whose zipper is always up? He sure likes touching his dick at work."

I get really bummed when I'm using the TV listings guide on my cable box to find something to watch and I turn to BET because I see that "Diff…" is on, only to find that the program that's on isn't "Diff'rent Strokes" which I love, but "A Different World," which I hate. You'd think I'd learn my lesson after the first time but I don't. I always think that maybe BET wised up and changed their schedule around, but they never do. Having my high expectations dashed like that is just so disappointing.. It's like when I was little and would try to watch R-rated movies on cable in hopes that I'd get to see some nudity only to see horrific violence and blue language. This was way back before the internet so it was always a crap shoot as to what movies would be airing and what they had to offer that a middle school kid would appreciate. Right before the movie aired the movie channel would air its parental ratings to warn you what was ahead. This was the most important part of the movie. It gave you a cliffs notes version of what kind of content you could expect so you could determine if it was worth your time and what you were looking for. You didn't want to miss this part and be stuck watching a R movie that only had explicit language. Fuck that. What a waste of time. I always hoped for "N" for nudity rating. I'd settle for the "BN" for brief nudity rating but would always be worried they'd be talking about some dude's butt and not a flash of boob. The "SSC" for strong sexual content was like hitting the jackpot. It meant little to no plot and a plethora of bikini clad bimbos with big boobs and usually nudity in the opening credits. Talk about a masterpiece! Of course the polar opposite of the "SSC" was the dreaded rating of "RP" for the inclusion of a rape scene. The worst was when the movie would have both the "N" and the "RP" rating. At that point, you'd move on or keep watching and roll the dice and hope that the nudity and the rape weren't in the same scene.

I've been watching the new "90210," as well as reruns of the old version. The new one is good and may become great. Plus they kept the theme song, which is clutch. The old one is cheesier than I remember but still great entertainment value. Now that I've seen a handful of the older episodes I have to say that I never realized how much sex Steve Sanders had in high school. It is quite jarring. Not as jarring as the Steve Sanders acquaintance rape story line that "90210" had, but jarring all the same.

Acquaintance rape has to be the worst of all the types of rape. I don't want to get raped ever. But I really don't want to get raped by an acquaintance. It'd be someone who I know but don't know know. I only know him because he's friends with my friend Chuck. So when I see him, I have to make small talk about Chuck since that's the only thing I have in common with him. And then he starts trying to rape me. Just great. As if the forced conversation wasn't bad enough. And because I barely know this asshole, I can't even try to level with him while I'm trying to fend him off. This is exactly why I'm not this dude's friend. All my yelling for help is doing nothing and I'm only left with an empty threat of "Wait until Chuck hears about this!"

That brings me to Benny Mardones. He had a big hit in the 80's with "Into the Night. The subject of the song? Statutory rape. If you don't remember it, the video is below.

I guess he technically doesn't rape her, but he tells her what he would do, which isn't much better. I know it was the 80's and everyone was retarded and didn't know obvious shit like we do now, like George Michael being gay, Michael Jackson being gay, Gallagher not being funny, etc. But how anyone didn't realize what this song was about is beyond me. I mean, this song is pretty clear and straightforward:

She's just sixteen years old
Leave her alone, they said
Separated by fools
Who don't know what love is yet
But I want you to know

Hmm, it sounds like she's underage and that Benny has been warned to stay away. He doesn't listen because these naysayers have never fallen in love with sophomores in high school before, and until they do, they don't have a leg to stand on.

If I could fly, I'd pick you up
I'd take you into the night
And show you a love
Like you've never seen, ever seen

Now ol' Ben is letting this poor girl know that if he had his druthers and just a little bit less self-restraint he'd show her a penis bigger than she's ever seen before. And then have sex with her with it. That may sound crude, but as evidenced by the video, once you put it to music it becomes catchy and a hit. I wonder how many times Casey Kasem sent out a long distance dedication of this song to some poor unsuspecting girl listening in Wichita, Kansas. It's not like they've stopped playing this song on the radio either. Alan Almond seems to play it every night during his Pillow Talk. Nothing like hearing about some dude take an advantage of a little girl that puts me right to a sound sleep. Sweet dreams, indeed.

Thursday, September 04, 2008


This about sums it up.

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