Thursday, October 30, 2008

 

Whoever You Like

This seems like it should be a Saturday Night Live sketch. As they pan across all of the performers, one of them tends to stand out as being a little different. When I was in elementary school whenever the school put on a play, they always had to make sure they included the retarded students from the school's special ed classes so they wouldn't feel left out. The kid in the upper right hand corner reminds me of that. At least he looks like he's enjoying himself, so more power to him. Though he seems to struggle with the "flow" about a minute and a half into it.

(And like a SNL sketch, this thing runs too long, so don't feel like you have to watch it all, because I didn't.)


Monday, October 27, 2008

 

World Series Look-Alikes

Watching the World Series, I noticed that a lot of the players look a lot like famous (and semi-famous) actors. Some are nearly dead ringers, while others just remind me of certain people. To illustrate my point, I've listed some examples below, starting with the Tampa Bay Rays.

Joe Maddon - Gene Hackman
While I'm rooting for the Phillies, I am interested in seeing if Maddon kisses his wife as weirdly as Hackman kissed Barbara Hershey in "Hoosiers."

Willy Aybar - David from "Real World New Orleans"
"Come on, be my baby tonight."

Jason Bartlett - The "I'm Freaking Out Guy" from "Super Troopers"
They both got those crazy, buggy eyes.

Scott Kazmir - Eric Murphy from "Entourage"
I feel bad for the rest of the Rays if Kazmir is anywhere near as big of a douche bag as E is on "Entourage."

Evan Longoria - Smalls from "The Sandlot"
This might be a stretch, but Longoria's hat always looks 2 sizes too big for him - just like the hat Smalls wears in the movie with the extra long bill.

Carlos Pena - That Guy from a bunch of movies
This dude has been in a bunch of movies like "Crimson Tide" and "World Trade Center." I remember seeing him on "House" a few years ago too. I don't know his name but I hate him for reminding me of Carlos Pena, who sucked major dick when used to play for the Tigers.

Now for the Phillies:

Cole Hamels - The Dad of the Ugly Girl on the new "90210"
This dude also was the "Desperado Guy" from "Seinfeld" who required complete silence when listening to his favorite song. Not a fan of "Witchy Woman."

Ryan Howard - Tracy Morgan
I keep hoping that Ken Rosenthal will file a report during the game that he's heard from reliable sources that Ryan Howard loves the Philadelphia fans so much that he wants to take it behind a middle school and get them pregnant.

Jamie Moyers - Mike Rowe from "Dirty Jobs"
Insert dirty job joke about cleaning Moyers bed sheets here.

Brett Myers - Aaron Lewis from Staind
Raise your hand if you've never beaten your wife. Not so fast, Brett!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

 

Quid Pro Quo

“You shit in my mouth, now I’m gonna shit in yours.”

That was a snippet of a phone conversation I heard a co-worker having earlier this week, while I walked by her desk. It took all of my will and self-control to not stop in my tracks and listen further. I am still trying to figure out if she was speaking literally or figuratively. Either way, that sentence begs so many questions. To begin with, was she speaking to a customer? At this point, I put nothing past the people I work with. And having experienced firsthand how rude and ignorant many of our customers can be, she may have even had a point. Assuming that she was conducting company business, I was still surprised at just how loudly she had made this filthy promise. Since our company stresses the importance of keeping the promises we make to customers.

If she was speaking figuratively, maybe she was just confused and meant to say, “You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.” This isn’t out of the realm of possibilities, as the stupidity of our customers is nearly matched by the stupidity of our employees. Someone sent out an email yesterday and accidentally sent it to every employee in Michigan instead of to just the one person for whom it was intended. In the next 30 minutes almost 100 people replied to ALL with the message “This wasn’t supposed to be sent to me.” Then, “Stop replying to all.” Then, “Seriously, y’all. STOP!” Then, “Who’s hungry? Pizza??” (Seriously.) And then, “Let’s do Chicken Shack instead.” Then, “I’m not sure I’m supposed to be receiving this, but I’ll take some pizza.” I wish I were kidding about this. Adding to the annoyance is that our email system is set up so that an alert window pops up every time an email is received, so these messages kept interrupting my work. I would have fired every single person who sent a “reply to all” email. Anyone who can’t differentiate from “reply” and “reply to all,” cannot possibly be an asset to the company in any way.

If she was speaking literally, then she is setting herself up for failure. By the tone of her voice, it seemed like she wasn’t happy that someone shit in her mouth. That’s understandable. Obviously, the offender used the element of surprise to their advantage and seized upon a moment when my co-worker wasn’t expecting it. By announcing her intentions, she’s making it harder for herself to make good on her threat. I can’t imagine it is easy to get someone to allow you to put your bare butt right up in their face under any circumstance, but it has to be goddamn impossible if they are on the lookout for having their mouth shat in.

I get the satisfaction behind retribution, but I don’t understand returning the exact favor in this instance. If someone kicked me in the balls, I would dedicate my life to kicking them in the balls. This works because the act of me kicking someone else in the balls doesn’t cause me further pain or embarrassment. Now if someone ever – God forbid – shat in my mouth, I would still dedicate my life to getting revenge on that person, but by killing them. Show me the jury that would convict me after I explained the situation to them. I wouldn’t exact revenge by shitting in their mouth because that isn’t something that I ever want to do. Or will ever do. Ever.

Well I mean, I guess I would do it under certain circumstances. Like if it were somehow guaranteed that if I shat in Bin Laden’s mouth that it would could create everlasting world peace or that it would mean that I’d never have to work again, I’d probably do it. Obviously, we’d have to find him first, so it’s kind of a moot point.

Getting back to my co-worker, what if the person she was speaking to is hoping that what she said wasn’t a threat, but actually a promise? Like, he (or she!) has been trying his (or her!) whole life to have this done, but no one ever was willing. So instead, he (or she!) concocted an elaborate plan to find a woman who believes in “eye for an eye” revenge so literally that when he (or she!) craps in her mouth, the woman will make it a point to do the same back. Then he (or she!) lets her do it by feigning repulsion and reluctance. Aaand mission accomplished. Or maybe the guy (or gal!) was simply doing it to achieve world peace.


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

 

Literal Remixes

Both of these are pretty funny. I like the Tears for Fears one better, even though it has a monkey in it. Monkeys are fucking creepy. I don't trust them. They always seem really dirty to me and gross. They shouldn't be allowed to wear human clothes or kiss people. Or even shake hands with people. It's just wrong. And it can't be hygenic.




Monday, October 20, 2008

 

The Definitive Guide to Taking a Dump at Work

Taking a dump at work is an unfortunate, yet necessary, part of life. Depending on how you tackle this (daily?) task, it can either be a stressful and messy cross to bear or a productive respite from the hustle and bustle of office life. The intention of this guide is to make your experience closer to the latter than the former.

This guide is geared towards men, because I try to avoid thinking about women defecating as much as possible. Say what you will, it's just not natural.

Preparation

A positive dumping experience at work requires a decent amount of legwork and preparation. When you've finally admitted to yourself that you are the kind of guy that will drop a deuce at work, you need to set yourself up for success.

First off, scour the vicinity for all available restrooms. Ideally, you will want to target a restroom that doesn't get a lot of traffic. The more out of the way it is the better. This decreases the likelihood that you will have to dookie with other people present, and allows you to go to the bathroom relatively undetected by your coworkers. If you work in a large office building, don't be afraid to use a restroom on a different floor if you can't find an acceptable one on your own floor. Be creative. I went to an all male high school (I know, lucky me) and a friend of mine used to use the women's bathroom in the athletic wing to ensure that he got the total privacy he needed.

Timing is also key. There are good times to go and bad times. Just like traffic, office restrooms have rush hours. After a morning full of coffee breaks and a lunch consisting of greasy fast food, it should come as no surprise that in the early afternoon your office bathroom is more hopping than a malt shop in the 1950's. Don't even think about taking a dump anywhere near this time of day, unless it's an emergency. Too many variables and potential problems could arise. Just avoid the situation at all costs. Instead, utilize the slow parts of the day to do your business. If a department in the office arrives later or leaves earlier than the rest of the workers, use their bathroom when they aren't in. Remember, total and complete privacy should always be the goal when defecating at work. It is the closest you'll get to recreating the experience of your home toilet.

When selecting your restroom, make sure that the restroom has more than one stall and that the locks work on all of them. When you commit to doing the deed, you don't want to be loitering like George Michael because the only stall in the bathroom is occupado. Also, you want to keep your options open. It's like "Let's Make A Deal." If you pick Stall #1 and you walk in to find the toilet looking like a crock-pot of chili, then you'll be thankful that you have the ability to take your chances with Stall #3 instead. If possible, select the handicapped stall. For some reason a lot of people treat the handicapped stall like it is a handicapped parking space and think only people with handicaps can use it. First off, that's not true: you can use it even if you're not handicapped. Just back into the spot so no one can see your license plate and run your errand as quickly as possible. Secondly, I don't know about you, but none of my co-workers are handicapped (at least not physically handicapped), so the handicapped stall is rarely used and provides the best odds to get a relatively clean toilet. Plus, the space of the handicapped stall is spectacular. Compared to the size of a standard stall, it's like an airport hangar. It's like the "Rain Man" suite. Which, if you think about it, is apt. How anyone can pass up the handicapped stall to take a crap in a stall the size of a seat at Michigan Stadium is beyond me.

If you work a shift a little later than the standard 9 to 5, make a note of when the cleaning crew works on the restrooms in your office. With the proper timing, you'll be able to utilize the facilities while they are as pristine as they will ever be. This doesn't mean the toilet will necessarily be clean - how thoroughly would you clean a toilet that isn't yours for 8 bucks an hour? However, you'll know that there won't be any floaters to deal with and you won't have to put up with the lingering odor of any previous sessions.

With that in mind, always use toilet paper to cover the toilet seat before you sit down. Some people will try to convince you that this is an unnecessary step in the process because public toilets are cleaned more often than you clean your own bathroom, thus your work toilet is cleaner than your home one, so there is nothing to worry about. Bullshit. First of all, I'm the only one who uses my home toilet so I don't have anyone else tainting the seat. (Pun intended.) I don't need to read the New England Journal of Medicine to know that I can't catch some gross butt/skin/private part infection or AIDS from myself. Co-workers are another story. I mean, I wouldn't want to share a taxi with most of the people I work with, let alone a toilet seat. Secondly, every time I use the toilet paper to cover the seat it ends up sticking to the back of my upper thigh/lower rump when I get up due to perspiration. If I didn't have the toilet paper, I would be sweating right on the toilet seat - a seat that has been sweated on by every disgusting cretin in the office who didn't see the need to be hygienic. Plus, who the hell knows how many people pissed on the seat as well? Based on the number of cars in the company parking lot that take up more than one space, I don't have too much faith in my co-workers' aiming ability.

Technique

Now you're ready to get down to business. The inclination is to treat a work shit like a bank heist: get in and get out. Fight this urge. You've already done the hard work of preparing yourself for success, so slow your pulse down, get in the mood, and relax. You've earned it. I don't care who you are, you don't get paid enough to rush this. Consider it an additional break, a "Business Man's Meditation" if you will. It is a time to collect your thoughts, reflect upon what got you here and what you plan on doing with the rest of your day. You're not going to do anyone any favors if you hurry through it, only to experience an "aftershock" a short time later.

Some people are fans of bringing reading material in with them. I do not recommend it. First off, walking around with a newspaper or magazine under your arm is a clear sign you're off to the john. You might as well send out a mass email or go desk to desk, announcing that you're about to go take a shit and you're gonna be a while. Even after you're done and you're washing your hands, the reading material you placed next to the sink is still announcing to everyone entering the bathroom: "Hey guess why it smells in here? Because this guy took a giant dump and then read an article about the new season of "Dexter" while it marinated and continued to stink up this place." The only way bringing in reading material is acceptable is if you can be completely discreet about it, so that it won't blow your cover. The best option to accomplish this is to print out an article off the internet. Having normal sheets of paper in your hand won't draw any suspicion from your co-workers and you can just toss them out before you wash your hands. And you WILL wash your hands. Think about it: throughout this process you're touching things that more than likely have some amount of fecal matter on them due to the flush of the toilet sending all these poo particles out in the air. It might be a good idea to use some soap and water to wash your hands before buying that bag of Fun-yuns from the vending machine.

If you end up having to go to the bathroom with other people in the room, and you pull your pants all the way down to your ankles when you sit down to take a poop be sure to avoid letting your ID badge be seen by the people using the stall next to you. Also, if you're older than 8 and still pull your pants all the way down to your ankles, you need to grow up. Seriously. Do you also pull your shirt up and tuck it under your chin when you take a piss? Just stop at the knees. It'll be all right, I promise. It isn't a bad idea to flip the badge around when entering and exiting the bathroom as well. You don't want anyone to put a name to your face. Or to your stink.

It is important to remember that just because you're not at a urinal and not standing up doesn't mean you don't have to still aim when you pee. You don't want to make the mistake of overlooking this fact and end up peeing through the space between the toilet seat and toilet bowl. I'll admit that this problem is rare, but it still happens, so you'd be foolish to ignore it. Especially because if you do end up peeing through that space, it means you're not paying attention in the first place, so you won't notice right way what you're doing. By the time you do, you'll end up with sopping wet underwear (and possibly pants). Have fun dealing with that mess.

If you're unlucky enough to be shitting in the presence of company, try to time your actions with the actions of the other people in the bathroom. Hold off on actually dropping the deuce until someone washes their hands or turns on the hand dryer and use that noise to mask the sound of you doing your business. If the other people in there have any sense of decency, they will help you out by creating as much noise as possible for you to work with. There are few things worse than taking a crap in a silent bathroom. It's like an echo chamber. The way every noise bounces off the walls it makes it seem like you are dropping rocks down a well instead of just plopping a turd in bowl of water 6 inches below you. Any outside noise by that person that can cover the spelunking noises you're making in the stall is extremely helpful in limiting the embarrassment of the situation. Keep that in mind if the roles are ever reversed, and make sure you pay it forward.

As uncomfortable as a silent bathroom is, under no circumstances should you ever attempt to cover the sound of your BM with your own noises. Don't try to cough – you're not fooling anyone. Don't groan or grunt – you're only making it worse. You should be as silent as a monk. And by no means should you ever be talking on your cell phone while taking a shit. It is fucking disgusting and unbelievably rude. Just because it is a similar size, doesn't mean you're in a phone booth. This is not the time to multi-task. Having a loud, personal conversation on your phone in front of people is bad enough, but when you're subjecting them to your phone call AND the smell of your shit, you're being a complete asshole. Taking a dump while talking on the phone is like drinking and driving: you should never combine the two activities, you probably do it more than you'd like to admit, and you should be arrested for it if you are ever caught.

Exit Strategy

After you're done with the deed, wait until the bathroom is empty before exiting the stall. After all the work you put in to remain anonymous, there is no point in blowing it all by walking out of the stall and into a crowd of people waiting to see what kind of person could create such a horrible stench and/or noises. And for the sake of everything that is holy, FLUSH THE GODDAMN TOILET. Flush it twice if you have to. That is why God gave you two feet: so you could stand on one while you flush public toilets with the other. Think of it as covering up a crime; you just committed an assault on people's sense of smell and decency, so now you have to make sure you get rid of all the evidence.

When the coast is clear, wash your hands (see above), make sure your fly is up, and take a deep breath. You made it! Regardless of what happens the rest of the day, you achieved a major accomplishment. Take a deep breath and walk out of the bathroom with confidence. You are now ready to attack the rest of your day with a clear mind, a full heart, and empty bowels.


Thursday, October 16, 2008

 

What's It All Mean?

So I've found a new thing to do on the internet when I'm bored. No, it isn't porn. I said new thing to do, not my all time favorite thing to do. I recently was trying to find the lyrics to a song I was listening to, and came across a website, www.songmeanings.net, that provides lyrics to songs and also allows people to comment on what they believe the meaning of the song to be. I thought it would be interesting to see if people actually provided meanings to songs with completely obvious meanings. And did they? Of course they did. Never underestimate the stupidity of people. Especially of people on the internet.

The first song I looked up was "All You Need is Love" by the Beatles. A golden oldie. Everyone has heard it many times over. But does anyone know what it means? According to the user "landingstill" the meaning of "All You Need is Love" is that "love is all you need." The user "Lady Madonna" adds: "this song is just staying the obvious love is everything,its the purpose of life its self." I think that "Johnny0225" summed it up best when he wrote "Meaning is pretty simple-all you need is love."

Thanks to these helpful retards, I was able to solve that mystery. I tried to move on to a song with a more obscure meaning: "Teenage Dirtbag" by Wheatus. For those of you who've never heard this skater-pop song before, I've linked it below.


Teenage Dirtbag - Wheatus


The song obviously gives the listener a lot to think about. "Kathy" starts off the discussion by going out on a limb: "Think its probably how a lot of people feel when ure young and u have a crush on a particular person but feel unnoticed." "Punkkiwi666" interjects with: " My friend told me this song is about teenage lesbians." "LilBlondeKagome"disagrees with that interpretation: "Dude, this song is soooo about guys/girls. Whoever told yopu is was about lesbians, must have problems. Anyway, Luv this song! Me and my sister used to yell it loud, when we were in her car. We had the windows down, too." She certainly paints a vivid picture, doesn't she? At the end of the day, though, "Dressed2Depress" finally nails what this song is really about: "this song has a simple message: LISTEN TO IRON MAIDEN."

I've noticed that the dialogue in these discussions can tend to veer off topic, so I decided to check out another song with a somewhat identifiable meaning, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper. Right from the start, I could tell that it was going to be a bumpy ride. Here's the exchange:

by kevin
How do they want to have fun? By masturbating, of course.

by 21pinksocks
It says " girls just want to have fun" not guys.

by llama37
Girls masturbate too

by smilesloveme
not really

by nietzsche 66
Girls do just wanna have fun. And girls do masturbate. Or at least they should. Everyone should. It's yours to play with, and only you know what you like best!

I'm not an expert on Nietzsche, but I do believe the above line is a direct quote from his work "Human, All Too Human."

The final song I checked out was Ice Cube's "It Was a Good Day." For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of hearing this song before (I'm looking at you, Grandma), I've linked it below. Fair warning, though: Cube uses crude language and states his displeasure of ham, sausage, or bacon. So if you're offended by either of these things, you may not want to listen. (Now I'm looking at you, Grandpa. I know you can handle the salty language, but I don't want the anti-bacon sentiment to push you over the edge.)


It Was a Good Day - Ice Cube

"Leatherface1023" cuts to the chase and confidently dissects the song's meaning for us: "
This song is obviously about him having a good day." "Fremont" seems confused by the point of the website and doesn't provide the song's meaning, but instead just summarizes, like he's a 3rd grader giving a book report: "Nobody Cube knew got killed, and he didn't have to kill anyone. He got drunk, stoned and laid. It was a good day." "StoneKyle" gives us the meaning of the song, but isn't afraid to admit that the song is bittersweet for him: " this is an awesome song. about ice cube having a good day. kind of makes you feel unimportant though. i mean, the goodyear blimp never says I'M a pimp."

After that, what else is there left to say?

Monday, October 13, 2008

 

"I Need to Smell Me a Hot Dog"

Watching the baseball playoffs this year has subjected me to seeing the same commercials over and over again. It fucking sucks. I'm used to watching everything on DVR, so I don't have to see the goddamn Geico gecko thirty times a day. The lizard has got nothing on Frank Caliendo, though. If you don't recognize the name, he stars in the commercials where he does impressions of celebrities and then dresses up to look like them - but only if the celebrities were 60 pounds overweight.

As sick as I am of those commercials, at least they don't make me want to puke like this commercial does:



Ugh, that is so sick. I don't even know what the point of it is, because I can't get through it without recoiling in disgust. It is one thing for some dude to run out of ideas and come up with this at a pitch meeting. But it is another that a roomful of idiots signed off on this idea, then had the balls to present it to their client. I just don't understand it.

And now I see that Bud Light's new marketing campaign focuses on its "drinkability." Uh, the only people that are concerned with a beer's "drinkability" are high school girls. And they usually solve that problem by drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade, or dropping jolly ranchers in their Zimas. I gotta give their agency credit though, it takes giant balls to market a beer that taste like piss as highly drinkable. They probably figured they might as well feed them a line of bullshit, since Bud Light drinkers obviously have poor judgment, as evidenced by the fact that they drink Bud Light.

Or maybe they gave up trying after seeing the awesomeness of this commercial:


Now that's a commercial.

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