Monday, November 24, 2008
Twas the Night Before Thanksgiving
Twas the night before Thanksgiving, in my hometown,
And the police were preparing a big crackdown,
On people driving after drinking some beer,
Just 'cause it's the biggest bar night of the year.
Not wanting to get caught and thrown in the clink,
I chose not to drive and instead chose to drink.
So I bummed a ride to the bar from an old friend,
And hoped that I could get a ride home at night's end.
Entering the bar, I go grab an empty stool,
The bar fills up with people I knew from high school.
Reunions occurring as people arrive,
Old friends saying hello with hugs and high fives.
I'm forced to yell over the music to be heard,
And forced to smile at kids I always thought were turds.
We're old enough now for hatchets to be buried,
Replaced with news of who's pregnant and married.
Bartenders were swamped with people shouting orders,
Drinks keep getting spilled because of the cramped quarters.
Girls getting so drunk that they can barely stand,
But still trying to sing along with the band.
My friends and I down shots and then order again;
Cuervo always separates the boys from the men.
We're only drinking High Life and never Bud Light
Not changing routine just 'cause it's "Amateur Night."
People keep drinking and begin to loosen up,
Asking each other if they've seen "2 Girls 1 Cup."
Guys run to the store to get Coke and Bacardi,
Just in case somebody throws an afterparty.
Beer goggles got thicker as the night wound down,
The crowd began to thin as guys looked around
For the kind of girl who doesn't think it's lame,
To start off Thanksgiving with a walk of shame.
When I was done drinking it became hard as hell
To find a ride home not stopping at Taco Bell.
I knew that in the morning I'd be feeling sick,
I doubted three gorditas would do the trick.
I finally got home and passed out in bed.
With a killer hangover lying ahead.
I wasn't very worried because I was sure
That food, family, and friends would be a great cure.
If that doesn't work I could always take a nap,
Or clean out my system by taking a crap.
Even if you don't spend yours the exact same way
Here's hoping you have a Happy Thanksgiving Day.
Friday, November 21, 2008
- There is this website called "Hot Chicks With Douchebags," and it's just tons of pictures of just that. They ended up with so many pictures that they wrote a book. Now one of the guys featured in the book is suing. So instead of being labeled an anonymous douchebag in some book no one is ever going to buy, this guy identifies himself and brings more attention to the book that he's embarassed to be in by filing a lawsuit. Douchebags must not grasp irony.
- As a prank, this dude had a message put on the big screen during a Yankees game that his buddy and his buddy's girlfriend were attending. The message was a marriage proposal from that buddy to his girlfriend. Of course, the dude films it. As great of a prank this is, the joke is still kinda on the prankster, because he has a weird lisp and no one he talks to on the phone can understand him when he says "congratulations."
- Some dude was arrested for assaulting an officer by farting on him. One of my friend's farts was so bad that it gave my other friend strep throat. True story.
- This is how the internet looked back in 1996. People use to pay for internet access to look at that. No wonder Prodigy is out of business.
- Each week I'm going to post a link to a song that I'm embarrassed to admit that I secretly enjoy. (But not that embarrassed, because you probably like it too.) This guy is gay, right? I mean he has to be, right? Right?
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
The 10 Hottest Actresses in John Hughes Movies
10. Lucy Deakins (The Great Outdoors) – I know it probably seems creepy that I'm including a 15-year-old girl in this list, but I was 10 when this movie first came out and she created quite an impression on me back then. It's not like if the movie had come out last year, I'd be chatting with her online and buying her Mike's Hard Lemonade so we could party when her parents are out of town. Plus, after re-watching the movie as an adult I've realized that Cammie is kind of psycho in the movie (way too clingy and has abandonment issues), which is a big turn off. Unfortunately, YouTube doesn't have any videos of any of her scenes in "The Great Outdoors" except this one. It's some weird tribute to the movie set to a crappy song. She appears halfway through it.
9. Ally Sheedy (The Breakfast Club) - Yeah, that's right. Ally Sheedy over Molly Ringwald. I never had a crush or anything on Ally Sheedy but Molly Ringwald was more overrated in the 80's than the little zipper pocket on KangaROOS shoes. Plus Claire is a fat girl's name.
8. Beverly D'Angelo (Vacation) – Insert played-out MILF joke here.
7. Jennifer Grey (Ferris Bueller's Day Off) – It is hard to find anything likable about Jeannie "Shawna" Bueller while she is trying to bust her brother's balls. But once she lets her guard down when talking to a drug addict (like any of us would) her bitch-face disappears and she lets the world know how cute she can be. Don't try anything with her, though, because she has her father's gun and a scorching case of herpes.
6. Nicolette Scorcese (Christmas Vacation) – Clark W. Griswold sure knows how to pick 'em when it comes to fantasizing about women other than his wife.
5. Jennifer Lopez (Maid in Mahattan) – Yes, this is actually a John Hughes movie. (He wrote it under a pen name.) And no, I haven't actually seen this movie. (It can't be as good as "The Wedding Planner," so why bother?) I don't have to have seen this movie to know that I would've like be on the receiving end of her taco-flavored kisses. (At least up until she started hooking up with that singer who looks like a drowned rat with a crack addiction.)
4. Christie Brinkley (Vacation) – While she definitely belongs on this list, I have to admit that she is ranked this high simply for being the impetus for Chevy Chase to start dancing with his sandwich.
3. Kelly LeBrock (Weird Science) - Did you know that John Oates of Hall and Oates wrote "Maneater" after dating Kelly LeBrock? John Oates! This fact blows me away for two reasons. The first is that Oates actually contributed to the band. I always figured he was dead weight. The second is that a man who looks like John "Baba Booey" Oates hooked up with Kelly LeBrock. I don't know if I should start learning to play an instrument or start growing a bushy mustache. 2. Jennifer Connelly (Career Opportunities) – Back in 1991 before the internet spoiled teenagers forever with easy access to naked women, these scenes were about as good as it got. And that's not a complaint. 1. Mia Sara (Ferris Bueller's Day Off) – This is my favorite movie of all time, so it stands to reason that I find Sloane Peterson hot as hell. I can see why Ferris would want to marry her while still in high school and I totally get why Cameron faked being catatonic in order to sneak a peek of Sloane naked. And the look she gives 2:05 into the below clip? It just does it for me, simple as that.
3. Kelly LeBrock (Weird Science) - Did you know that John Oates of Hall and Oates wrote "Maneater" after dating Kelly LeBrock? John Oates! This fact blows me away for two reasons. The first is that Oates actually contributed to the band. I always figured he was dead weight. The second is that a man who looks like John "Baba Booey" Oates hooked up with Kelly LeBrock. I don't know if I should start learning to play an instrument or start growing a bushy mustache.
2. Jennifer Connelly (Career Opportunities) – Back in 1991 before the internet spoiled teenagers forever with easy access to naked women, these scenes were about as good as it got. And that's not a complaint.
1. Mia Sara (Ferris Bueller's Day Off) – This is my favorite movie of all time, so it stands to reason that I find Sloane Peterson hot as hell. I can see why Ferris would want to marry her while still in high school and I totally get why Cameron faked being catatonic in order to sneak a peek of Sloane naked. And the look she gives 2:05 into the below clip? It just does it for me, simple as that.
Monday, November 17, 2008
A Hard Thing To Share
Unfortunately, that didn't happen. As I've gotten older, I have never tried to quit cold turkey but instead, settled for simple moderation. For the most part, this worked for me. But there were still a number of times when I'd slip, and end up paying high consequences for my actions. I wouldn't stop when I should of, and my body would be punished because of it. There have been more than a few mornings after where I have woken up beyond sick and vowed to swear off the poison that made me feel that ill. Invariably, the memory of the horribleness I went through would fade, as would the strength of my resolve. Eventually, I would fall back into the vicious circle and make another revolution in the downward spiral.
Unfortunately, I recently relapsed again and to quote the great thespian Danny Glover: I'm too old for this shit. I need help. It is now clear that I cannot do this alone anymore. The temptations are too great and the stakes are too high. Throughout my life, I've made the same promise to myself over and over again and have always broken it. I now realize that that needs to stop. So even though it pains and embarrasses me to do so, I'm sharing the following promise with my friends and family in hopes that they can help me with finally keeping it for once and for all:
As God is my witness, and because I am aware of - and want to avoid - the negative consequences that come with it, I promise to never eat Taco Bell ever again. Ever. Even if I'm drunk. Or hungry. I just won't do it. Seriously, never again. It's garbage meat. I know that. You don't think I know that? Of course I know that. That's what make this admission so difficult and embarrassing.
Please just help me keep this promise, I beg of you. Don't eat it around me, don't make a run for it when I'm around you, and don't offer to buy me anything I want from it if I give you a ride home from the bar. Don't tell me about how the last time you had it, it wasn't that bad, or that the order was actually correct. I don't want to hear it. I just can't. I know this is a lot to ask and may come across as selfish. I apologize. But I can't spend another night wolfing down MexiMelts and hoping they don't cause me to puke or shit my pants. I hope you all understand. Thank you in advance for your support.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
- I remember a few years back seeing some special on MTV about trying to figure out what the next extreme sport would be now that skateboarding and rollerblading have become so huge and mainstream. A group of kids were trying to say that "freestyle walking" was going to be the next big thing. Well, history has proved those fags wrong. Kids these days are doing swing tricks. And it is actually pretty sweet.
- If you're like me you watch "The Sandlot" on cable two or three times a month. Here is a rundown of what some of the kids in the movie are up to now.
- What's better, Nestle Crunch or Hershey's Krackel? Can't wait for the comparison between a Mr. Goodbar and a shit sandwich.
- Scientists may have found a cure for AIDS. Gay men can now finally go back to having copious amounts of unprotected, anonymous sex with each other.
- The Onion's AV Club does weekly taste tests of weird food products (like bacon-infused vodka, or a cheeseburger in a can). One of their readers dared them to try a super-hot potato chip. Here's their assessment, along with an interview with the dude who suggested the food to them. It's fucking hilarious.
Monday, November 10, 2008
The Best and Worst Board Games of All Time
Monopoly - This game is the fucking jam. If you're playing it correctly, this game should always end in an argument. There are two types of Monopoly players: professionals who are in it to win it and people who are simply playing because they mistakenly think they will have fun. Games always start off slow because no one is willing to do a deal that will give someone else a monopoly. But by being super critical of the weaker players, peer pressuring them, and making them want to quit by draining all of the fun out of the game for them, a pro can broker deals that will result in monopolies and ultimately a win. Sure, the win usually result from everyone else calling the winner an asshole and quitting, but a win is a win is a win.
Sorry - Sorry is another game that is awesome because it gets people mad at each other. They should really change the name though, because no one apologizes when they send somebody else's piece back to Start. The game should be called "Sucks To Be You!" Or some variation of that. This game is great because it always seems like one player never has a chance to win. They either can never get a 1 or 2 to get out of Start or every other player has an unspoken understanding with each other to gang up on the same player so the poor jerk can never advance very far.
Scattergories - It is a scientific fact that every party ever thrown by white people over the age of 35 between 1990 and 1993 included multiple games of Scattergories. And with good reason. This game allowed people to be creative, it didn't have a ton of rules to follow, and didn't get boring very quickly. The only problem was finding enough writing utensils for everyone who wanted to play. Some poor sap always ended up having to use a broken crayon.
Guess Who? - Is there anything more satisfying than flicking the pictures down of all people wearing a hat at a jaunty angle? Every clicking sound is the sound of you getting one step closer to guessing who the fuck your opponent is. Just a tip for the next time you play: Never pick Anne.
Clue - Clue is awesome because it allows people to act like they are Sherlock Holmes, Encyclopedia, Brown, The Hardy Boys, and Nate the Great all rolled up into one and solve the murder of Mr. Boddy. For some reason, no one ever fucks around when playing Clue. People guard their detective notebooks more closely than their wallet and credit card info. Players are more likely to admit to having an STD than to telling you who they have crossed out on their suspects list.
Mouse Trap - This game fucking sucks. This game is the present you give to kids who you hate and want to make miserable. Has anyone ever successfully completed a game of Mouse Trap? Has anyone ever successfully set the board for a game of Mouse Trap? Either the marble is lost or the old man never makes it into the pool, or someone bumps the towers while moving their piece and all the shitty plastic pieces come tumbling down. This game is so hard and catching that goddamn mouse is so rare that grown adults have posted videos on YouTube of their attempts. And they go apeshit when it actually works
Family Feud - The actual show is awesome. The online version is awesome. The videogame version can be fun. The board game version? Holy shit, does it suck. First off, I think the last edition they created for this game was in 1979. I've never seen a brand new Family Feud board game. It always comes from someone's basement, smelling musty and containing outdated questions with answers like "Calculator" for the question "Name something you forget to unplug when you leave your office." Plus no one ever wants to host, and there are never enough people to make up a good Family Feud pose.
Twister - This game is for fags.
Life - The only board game in the world that is slower than real time. It is harder to grow up and get a job in this game than it is in real life. The cinnamon version of their cereal is awesome though.
Operation - I can't stand the sound of hearing cellphones in TV shows or movies vibrating when they ring. I couldn't figure out why it bugged me so much until I realized that it reminded me the buzzing in Operation. This may be the only sound in the world worse than an alarm clock's beep. Now the sound in this game wouldn't be a problem if the pieces that need to be removed weren't coated in teflon. Especially the bread basket. You have a better chance of extracting dinosaur DNA from a mosquito trapped in an old fart's cane with those shitty tweezers than you do removing the dude's bread basket without his nose lighting up. Fuck this game. It's making me upset just thinking about it.
Friday, November 07, 2008
Here are some links I found funny and/or interesting this week:
- Two high school football players join together to make a spectacular catch. To quote Tenacious D: "That's fuckin' teamwork."
- A Washington Redskin fan came into Detroit to watch his team play the Lions. While in town, he took a tour of the local sites and posted his thoughts. A strong effort by him, to say the least.
- If you've always wanted your own personal Muppet, your dreams have been answered. Now you can make your own Muppet at FAO Schwarz. You can only make generic ones, unfortunately.
- If you've always wanted to recreate the car Biff's grandson Griff drove in "Back To The Future 2," your dream is now crushed because someone has beaten you to the punch.
- You can still by Marty McFly's future Nike's if you can find them on eBay and have a few grand to burn.
- An awesome piece by Newsweek providing an extensive, behind-the-scenes look at both the McCain and Obama campaigns dating back from last year all the way up to the election. It is in 7 parts and quite long, but really worth it.
- A compilation of some great soccer shots. Some of these guys got a howitzer for a leg.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
After I voted, I was given a sticker proclaiming that I had done so. I asked the old milkshake working the table why they didn't have "I Tried to Vote" stickers for anyone who gets turned away or denied, like how the Red Cross gives the "I Tried" sticker to people who don't qualify to safely give blood. The old man had no idea what I was talking about, but offered me a Werther's Original so I let it slide.
I don't know why people would wear that "I Tried" if they weren't allowed to give blood. There are way more negative connotations to being turned down as a donor than there are positive. Anyone who has given blood knows what I'm talking about. They ask you a ton of questions about drug use, international travel, exposure to disease, the last time since you've donated, STD's, and homosexual activity. The question about homosexual activity is my favorite because of the way they word it:
"Have you had sexual contact with another male, even once, since 1977?"
The "even once" clarification is so great because you know that there must've been a reason to add that to the question. There must've been hundreds of closeted donors who answered "no" to having gay sex, only to admit that they have "once" when further questioned by a skeptical nurse. Like if it only happens once, it doesn't count. Nice try, buddy, but that's not how it works. Some things only need to be done once to have a lasting effect on a person's life. If a guy goes his whole life having sex with only women, but then one day gets caught fucking a goat, what do you think his nickname will be for the rest of his life?
So knowing the stigma behind not being cleared to give blood, why would anyone wear that failure sticker? When I see someone in an "I Tried" sticker I don't think, "Oh he must've already given blood within the last 8 weeks." I think, "That guy probably has sex with dudes. Probably." The whole point of getting the "I Donated" sticker is to attract attention to yourself so you can get credit for a selfless act. People should be heeding the sticker and acting nicely towards you, not trying to figure out what STD you acquired that precluded you from tainting future trauma victims with your dirty, dirty blood. Anyone who meets you and sees the "I Tried" sticker is going to be wiping their hands like they were Denzel in "Philadelphia" and you were Tom Hanks. Not good.
Not to stray further off topic but in the scene where Denzel asks Tom Hanks why his face is fucked up, why does Hanks just blurt out, "I have AIDS,"? Dude. Too much information. Why doesn't he just tell him he's sick and be done with it. That's like the worst answer you could give, even if it is the honest one. The Red Cross didn't have to clarify their questions with this guy. Jesus, Tom, be vague! Have some tact. Though to be fair, Denzel was pretty tactless by just bluntly asking "What's wrong with you?" to someone he hasn't seen in forever. The only time it is really appropriate to ask that question to a long-lost friend is if you walk in on them having their way with a goat. Even if it's not your goat, I'm pretty sure Miss Manners wouldn't give you a hard time.
After seeing the dregs of humanity that were in line with me at the polls, I think it would be a good idea to have voters screened to see if they were qualified to vote. It wouldn't have to be a test or anything difficult, just a few questions to ensure that the moron vote is kept to a minimum. Some of the questions that I think would be apt:
Have you ever camped out in line for a videogame or videogame system?
Do you own anything denim other than pants?
Do you get your news from "The View"?
Do you pronounce "ask" as "ax"?
Are the comedians in the Blue Collar Comedy Tour funny?
Can you see Russia from your house?
If you are male, have you had sexual contact with another male, even once, since 1977?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then the person should be declared ineligible because they have poor judgment, low intelligence and they cannot be trusted to make an informed decision. And I'm just kidding about the last question. (Kind of.) No, no, not kind of. Completely. I'm completely kidding. I have no problem with gay people voting, or gay people in general. Just as long as they stay away from goats.