Tuesday, February 24, 2009


The Worst Thing Ever.

While I was in Phoenix for the weekend, I met up with my dad's old college buddy, Doc. He's a great guy who is a ton of fun to hang out with and gets along with anyone. I had no doubt in my mind that he and my friends would get along swimmingly. We met up for drinks during the day at a Mexican restaurant and sat in their outdoor patio so we could enjoy the sun and the view. We didn't realize at the time how horrible the view would become.

It seemed like every female in the Phoenix had some ink on her skin, and our waitress at this place was no exception. She had a tattoo on her bicep, one on the back of her shoulder, and a big tramp stamp on her lower back with a bunch of writing on it. Because we're curious like cats, we struck up a conversation with the waitress and asked her what the writing was on her tattoo. She replied that it read either "Live, Laugh, Love" or "Live, Love, Laugh" but that she couldn't remember the exact order. She explained that her father used to always wear a necklace with this saying so when he died, she, her sister, and her brother all got the same tattoo with those words. I asked if her brother also got the tattoo on his lower back. He did not. I also wondered how she didn't know the correct order of the words considering that her dad wore the necklace and all the time and that she had a permanent tattoo of it. You would think you would know exactly what you're getting tattooed on your body. I kept these thoughts to myself.

Being the nice guy that he is, Doc kept talking with the waitress despite the depressing fact that her dad was dead. As he was talking I saw an old man with hugh, thigh-high leather boots on walking towards us. Trying to lighten the mood, I interrupted Doc, pointed out the old man, and asked the waitress if her dad had ever owned boots like that. Doc, 5 Mile, Willis, and I all started laughing, but the waitress didn't.

"That's nothing," she informed us. "Wait until you see his moose knuckle."

Doc turns to her and asks what she is talking about - and then recoils. He had just seen what she was talking about. We all turned to look at what had caused such a strong reaction - and then we all reacted the same way.

It was horrendous. I've never seen anything like it. It was a physical oddity.

"How did you know he was going to have...that?" I asked the waitress.

"He's a regular. He comes in here wearing that every week." she replied nonchalantly.

Doc was in shock. "I can't believe what I'm seeing. No one will believe it. Oh my god, this is unbelievable.

Doc continued, "I'm older than you and I think I've lived a full life. I've never, never, NEVER, seen anything like that. Goddammit. This guy just ruined my day. I might move back to Detroit 'cause of this guy. Willis, go over there and tell him I'll pay him $20 to sit on the other side of the table. I have the money too."

Willis declined and told Doc to do his own dirty work. Doc kept ranting.

"This guy has made me speechless. And you know me - I'm a pretty verbose and gregarious guy. And. I'm. Speechless. I'm ready to puke. I've lost my respect for humanity. I wish I was a member of the animal kingdom so I wouldn't have to know or experience this moose knuckle right now. I wish I didn't even know what a moose knuckle was. God, I hate that I'm seeing this. I can't even believe what I'm seeing.
No one will believe it. No one. They'll just say "oh Doc's just exaggerating again.' Oh my god, this is unbelievable. Is this why Willis wanted to come here?"

I was in agreement with Doc. No one would believe us, and words couldn't accurately describe the monstrous spectacle we were subjected to. So I took out my digital camera and covertly took a few pictures. I've posted them below. You may not want to view them. Only scroll down if you want to be horrified.

I told you.

Yeah, he must work out!
that's disgusting. please tell me where this took place as i'm going to phoenix in 2 weeks and don't want to run into this moose.
Lol, this is at san felipe at tempe marketplace. Gross, i'll be sure to keep an eye out for this so I can immediately vomit or leave next time I am there.
this is great
This guy would be good at the game "nut no nut". That's where you present a piece of skin from your genitals and the other people in the room need to guess whether it's your nuts or not your nuts. It's harder than you may think.
And where is his penis?
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