Wednesday, November 18, 2009


Phil Collins's Girlfriend Hates Him More Than You Do

Everybody knows that Phil Collins was the absolute shit in the 1980’s. He was in the zone that decade and a majority of his output - both with Genesis and as a solo artist - was indisputably awesome. Despite his commercial success and legions of fans, there were people that couldn’t stand Phil Collins. I call those people assholes. Phil Collins calls them his exes. Just take a look at his songs from that era and it is apparent that pretty much anyone who had a relationship with Phil treated him like a piece of shit.

“Misunderstanding” (1980)
Misunderstanding - Genesis

Phil starts off with bad news and it keeps going downhill from there. His date is late and he’s stuck in the rain waiting for her. Then he figures out she stood him up. Ouch. Then he admits to partaking in some minor stalking by calling her repeatedly and driving by her house. And his reward for that behavior? He gets to see some other dude walking out of the girl’s house after (presumably) boning her. That is some mean shit to put Phil through. Why did she have to lead him on like that?

“No Reply At All” (1981)
No Reply At All - Genesis

Phil gets to experience the dreaded silent treatment. “Look at me, you never look at me/Ooh, I’ve been sitting, staring, seems so long/But you’re looking through me/Like I wasn’t here at all/No reply, there’s no reply at all.” Well that sounds like fun.

“I Don’t Care Anymore” (1982)
I Don't Care Anymore - Phil Co...

Phil reaches a breaking point and stands up to the bully that is his girlfriend. She keeps talking shit about him and making fun of him, so he finally breaks up with her. Just think about how badly she had to treat him to make a sad sack like Phil be the one to end the relationship. Phil Collins doesn’t dump. He gets dumped. That’s his thing.

“That’s All” (1983)
That's All - Genesis

Phil’s got another doozy on his hands, and this one likes to bicker: “I could say ‘day,’ and you would d say ‘night’/tell me it’s black when I know that it’s white.” He knows that this isn’t healthy, but he can’t help himself. He’s learned to like the abuse.

“Easy Lover” (1984)
Easy Lover - Phil Collins

Another relationship with a girl who treats Phil like shit. His buddy Phillip Bailey tries to alert him: “She will play around and leave you/Leave you and deceive you/Better forget it/Or you’ll regret it.” But does he listen? Fuck no.

“Against All Odds” (1984)
Against All Odds (LP Version) ...

Phil manages to find himself a girlfriend who finally sees him for the catch that he is: “You’re the only one who really knew me at all.” Yet she’s still walking away from him. Not only that, but she won’t even let him down gently: “I wish I could make you turn around/turn around and see me cry.” She won’t even turn around? When the whole song is Phil pleading for her to just look at him, you know he’s dealing with someone who couldn’t care less about him.

“One More Night” (1985)
One More Night - Phil Collins

Phil is pleading with a girl he loves to give him a chance to tell her how he feels. By now, Phil is so beaten down that he realizes that his efforts will be fruitless: “I know there’ll never be a time when you’ll feel the same/And I know it’s only words/But if you change your mind you know that I’ll be here/And maybe we both can learn.” This broad thinks so little of him, that Phil can’t even fathom that this girl would ever think of him the same way he thinks of her. It is becoming apparent that Phil has given up hope on being in a loving and healthy relationship. Now he’s just settling for small victories like getting one more night or getting the woman he loves to turn around and look at him while he cries.

“Sussudio” (1985)
Sussudio - Phil Collins

And the women in his life have finally gotten him to speaking jibberish. Yet another song about Phil crushing on a girl who doesn’t know who the hell he is. Which is weird, because in 1985 Phil was pretty fucking famous. How did she not even know his name? I wouldn’t date someone now - 25 years after his career apex - if she didn’t know who Phil Collins was and didn't enjoy his music. If this girl that Phil fancies has never heard of him then that means that she has horrible taste in music, has been in a coma, or is retarded. All three of those should be deal-breakers for not only Phil, but for all of us.

"Take Me Home" (1985)
Take Me Home - Phil Collins

Phil’s family had him committed and put in a mental hospital. This is an act of love and concern if the person being committed is actually insane or unstable. However, when the person is sane enough to write such a kick ass song as this one and is only sent away because his friends and family had their fill of listening to Phil bitch about his failed relationships then it just seems drastic and mean.

“Invisible Touch” (1986)
Invisible Touch - Genesis

“She don’t like losing, to her it’s still a game/And though she will mess up your life/You’ll want her just the same…” Okay, maybe Phil is insane. Is Phil drawn to manipulative women or is there something about Phil that makes normal women become mean and abusive once they get to know him?

“Throwing It All Away” (1986)
Throwing It All Away - Genesis

Well the title pretty much says it all, doesn’t it? Yet again, somebody is breaking up with Phil and willing to throw everything away just to end the relationship. It’s like he’s the abusive husband from “Sleeping with the Enemy” or something. Seriously, it couldn’t have been that bad. Even Phil can’t believe it: “Who will light up the darkness? Who will hold your hand? Who will find you the answers when you don’t understand?” The apparent answer to all three of those questions is “I don’t give a shit,” because she still ends up leaving him, driving Phil to hurl the empty threat that “someday (she’ll) be sorry.”

“Something Happened on the Way to Heaven” (1989)
Something Happened On The Way ...

At this point Phil begins hating himself as much as everyone he’s ever dated hates him. “We’ve had our problems, but I’m on your side.” He’s taking the side of the most recent woman who has become sick of him and left. This song finally lets us in why people tend not to like Phil: “You can run, and you can hide, but I’m not leaving unless you come with me.” Um, Phil, it isn’t considered leaving if you’re still in the presence of the person who wants you out of their sight.

If you think about it, Phil Collins is practically a saint. He suffered years of abuse from a variety of women and spun it into hit records for our listening pleasure. After reading this, you may start to feel sorry for Phil Collins since he obviously had a rough love life in the 80's and was treated like an asshole for all those years. I felt the same way while writing this piece. But then I remembered that this is the same guy who wrote "I Can't Dance" and I didn't feel so bad for him anymore.

That said, we should be thankful that we had Phil Collins in our lives in the 1980's and that he had such horrible, horrible women in his. He has made a significant contribution to the soundtracks of grocery stores and dentist offices throughout the country that cannot be forgotten nor ignored.

This was fucking incredible. I don't know who you are, but you did a kick-ass job on this. Phil is and will always be the man. I wish you luck with your future writing ventures, and if they're anything like this, you're headed for success man.
Was that "Kevin" or your Mom?
I always knew I was kind of an asshole but I could never put my finger on exactly why that was.

Now I know it is because I hate Phil Collins.
This was great...BTW, he sang "Easy Lover" with a guy named Phillip Bailey,who was from Earth, Wind, and Fire.
Phil Bailey, not Hall, of EWF.
I'd completely forgotten how COMPLETELY AMAZING Phil Collins was! This is going to keep me going for a week or two. You rule!
Great writeup, but your title is wrong. None of Phil Collins' girlfriends hate him more than I do.
Brilliant! Just fucking brilliant. But Phillip Bailey, not Hall.
Phil's first marriage fell apart in the 80s. Pretty much all those songs are about his wife/ex-wife. Also, American Psycho showed us that people who like Phil Collins' music are serial killers. Seriously, it's a major theme of the novel.
ROFL. great stuff.
If this was satire then it's brilliant...if not then I'm truly sorry for the author. Whoopie for Phil to turn his pain into schlocky pop. The shock to me is anyone as much of a wanker as he is managed to get that many women to date him in the first place.
Uh guess what - Phil Collins fucking sucks. Although I do think Invisible Touch was the group's undisputed masterpiece. Now Sabrina, don't just stare at it - eat it.
This is awesome and a testament to Collins being a rock legend. I was never aware of the tapestry that Collins wove from one song to another- true lyrical genius. I salute you on your research and dedication to pulling this all together.
PS- Brian Grodotzke is a cockswaggler (one who gargles the cock for pleasure.)
Who's Phil Collins? Has he done any re-mixes with Lil Wayne?
this made me and my wife laugh...very, very hard. We giggled like kids at a slumber party.

Truly a work of genius.
You don't have to love, hate or be indifferent toward Phil Collins to laugh your ass off reading this. I can't even remember the last time something cracked me up so much.
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