Sunday, November 22, 2009


Phoenix and DC

A while back, I ran into my friend DC at the bar. I hadn’t seen him in awhile, and I had a good time hanging out with him. DC has a way with words and doesn’t really give a fuck about anything, so he always has a good story to tell. One of my favorite stories of his is about him visiting my buddy Bill in Arizona. DC gave me permission to write about the story on here. (He's the kind of guy that you want to make sure you get permission from.) To make it easier on me, I’m going to write the story in his voice, just as he told it to me.

So I got to visit Bill in Phoenix. March Madness was going on when I was out there so we were drinking all day long. At night we end up going to some bar and meet these girls. Bill tells them some shit about me just breaking up with my girlfriend and that I need to be cheered up because I'm all depressed, and this girl starts eating it up. She was good looking, I guess. She had huge fake tits. I mean huge. And really fake. It was pretty obvious with the shirt she was wearing. Shit, she could've been wearing a Triple Fat Goose coat and you still would've been able to tell her tits were fake. But who cares, ya know? Tits are tits.

So anyway, she's all about it, so I end up leaving Bill and go back to her place with her. She lives by herself and so we don't waste anytime and go at it. Then right afterwards she starts acting fucking crazy. Like nuts. She starts telling me how much it sucks that I'm only gonna be in town for the next three days and that she's gonna miss me. Dude. I don't even know this girls NAME. What the fuck is she talking about, ya know? So I was like yeah that sucks...ANYWAYS. Then she starts saying how we gotta figure out what we're going to do for the rest of the weekend. At this point I'm ready to fucking jumpoff her balcony just to get out of there. So I play that off and she calms the fuck down and we're just laying there in her bed. She gets up to go to the bathroom and turns to me and says "I just realized that no one in the world knows where you are right now. I could kill you right now and no one would ever know." And then she laughs and goes and takes a piss or shit or whatever.

But seriously, what the fuck? I mean she was right: she could kill me and no one would ever know. So my first thought was that maybe I should kill her first, because no one she knows knows that I'm here. But then I thought I should just bolt, because who the fuck knows what's up with this girl and it might be my only chance. So I grabbed my clothes and my shoes and fucking ran out of there, and didn't look back, cuz I didn't want her to run out of her place and see me in the parking lot.

I get a safe distance away and realize I left my fucking Oakleys at her place. A $200 pair of sunglasses that I just bought gone with the wind because of this bitch. Fuck it though, it was worth it because if I would've stayed there she might've killed me. Or I might have killed her.

So now its like 2 in the morning and Bill's not answering his phone and I have no clue where I am, where he is, where he lives, or how to get back to anywhere. Basically I'm fucked. I was walking down this main road and must've been near a college because I kept walking by these house parties filled with Mexicans and meatheads just yelling shit at me. It was the fucking worst, dude. Honest to God, everyone in Arizona must drink and drive because it seemed like every time a car passed me, the people in it were throwing empties at me. Bottles of beer just whizzing by my ear while they're calling me a cocksucker and faggot. It was like payback for any bad thing I've ever done in my life. I just had to shut up and take it because if I said anything or gave a look, I was gonna get my ass kicked by some Mexican gang and anyone I know who could've helped me out was a thousand miles away. All I could do was take off my chain, wrap it around my fist and hope I could find a motel to crash at. I probably looked so fucking pathetic.

Anyway, it's like 3 in the morning and I stumble into this town and see a cop standing on the sidewalk. I've never felt so relieved in my life. So I go up to him and ask for help. "Excuse me sir, but do you know where the closest hotel is? I'm not from around here and got separated from my friends and really need to sleep." He just looks at me and starts to give me shit! "Turn around," he says, "and take three steps." So I do and I realize I'm right in front of a hotel. "And he's being sarcastic and shit and asked if that was close enough for me, so I just looked at him, waited a second, and then told him to go fuck his mother and went inside.

He probably saved my life, but seriously, I didn't need to take shit from this asshole; I was drunk as fuck, my life was threatened by some random chick that I probably caught something from, I lost my brand new sunglasses, and I just went through a gauntlet of flying beer bottles while being called a faggot. Just tell me where the hotel is and mind your fucking business, ya know what I mean?

So I walk up to the hotel counter and I realize that this hotel is pretty nice. I ask for a room and the dude behind the counter tells me the room is like 200 bucks or some shit. Fuckin' perfect. Of course it is. Banging this chick is costing me half a grand now. But what am I gonna do, ya know? So I pull out a credit card and give him my license and the guy takes it and says "Oh you're from Michigan? I went to Michigan State. Lemme see if I can give you a discount." So he knocks fifty bucks off the bill. It's the only good thing that happened that night.

So I pass out and finally get a hold of Bill the next morning. I'm waiting in the lobby for him to pick me up and he pulls right up to the door with "Jessie's Girl" blasting. You could hear it from inside the lobby. Everyone's lookin' around and I get up, with no suitcase, looking like dogshit, and slowly walk tothe car. If anyone who I had passed on the street the night before had seen me right then with an 80's song blasting, getting picked up by a dude, they would've been like "See? I told you he was a faggot." But whatever, it was funny. Bill couldn't stop laughing. And I still got laid. Oh, and I never did catch anything from that chick. I don't think she was clean, but either way I didn't get anything from her. Which is good, because I would've killed her the next time I was out there to see Billy.

I LOVE that story! I will never forget the first time DC told it too me.
An excerpt from the story as it was told to me..."So you know what I'm thinking, right?"
"Yeah. You gotta get the fuck out of there as quic..."
"I gotta kill her first! You know. Before she kills me."
I wish I had that shit on tape! Too funny.
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