Saturday, January 31, 2009


Hi, Billy Mays Here...

Wednesday, January 28, 2009



Ray Pruit speaks the truth:

Friday, January 23, 2009


Batshit Crazy Lady

So with my new job, I've recently moved my desk into a pod that I share with 3 other people. Each of us take up one corner and have our backs to each other. While I'd rather work in a private office by myself, with a door that locks, this setup isn't too bad. Except that I now sit by a lady who is batshit crazy. And doesn't hide it.

I first came into contact with her in meeting a few months ago. The meeting was about some stupid and simple change in procedure that everyone in the meeting already knew about. But we still had to sit through it so we could sign a paper saying we completed the training. The guy who was running the meeting knew that we already knew what was up, and we knew that we knew what was up so everyone was in unspoken agreement to burn through the thing as quickly as possible. Except for Batshit Crazy Lady. First off, she brought in a big notebook and was furiously taking notes in it - before the meeting even started. What the hell could she have been writing? Was she taking attendance? Did she think she was Harriet the fucking spy or something? Anyway, that immediately irritated me. So the dude running the meeting says he's gonna try to run through this as quickly as possible, and to keep things from getting bogged down, he asks that the group saves any questions until he is finished. He starts off explaining that this new process change needs to be done by everyone on the 1st of the month and on the 15th of the month. He says it as clear as day. BCL's hand - the one she's not scribbling notes with - immediately goes up. The speaker hesitates and then asks how he can help her.

"So we need to do this on the 1st of the month
and on the 15th of the month?" BCL asks.

"Yes, or the next business day, should either of those dates fall on a weekend or holiday."

"And we do this every month?"


"On the 1st and the 15th."

This is when the audible sighs started. (From people other than me, believe it or not.) Seriously though, the room was completely silent when the speaker first said "the 1st and 15th." And it's not like we were in some huge auditorium. We were in a small office space, filled with less than 20 people. And the word "or" doesn't even
sound like the word "and." This wasn't anything to be confused by. The speaker confirms again, that that is what he said. And BCL starts to ask another question. Keep in mind the speaker has gotten into about 90 seconds of his presentation so there was nothing that had to be clarified. The speaker again asks that everyone wait to ask any questions that they might have until the end of the meeting.

"But I still have a question about-"

A manager (apparently her manager) interrupts and tells her that he will meet with her after the meeting to answer any questions she still has.
At that point I thanked God that I didn't have to deal with this lady on a daily basis.

Well, God ended up shitting on me and put me in the same workspace as her and in the same department. Her desk is now right next to mine. And it is as bad as I knew it would be.

This woman is socially retarded. You know how when people ask you how you're doing at work, they don't really mean it? Of course you know that. You realize it is just a way of saying hello. The person isn't taking a survey and doesn't actually care how you are doing. Just like when you ask someone at work how it's going, you don't want to hear any answer other than "good," "great," or "fine." It is understood that no one really gives a shit about how other people are doing at work. And if they actually do give a shit, they don't want to get into it while walking past your desk on their way to take a piss. Well this lady doesn't realize that. Every time my boss stops by to ask us how we're doing, she starts in on some rambling, pointless story.

"Oh, I could be better. Me and my boyfriend - well I don't know if should call him my boyfriend, but he's a guy I've been hanging out with a lot lately - we got into a big fight at Blockbuster last night. He didn't know what to rent, so I was suggesting good movies that I'd seen already, like "Legend of Bagger Vance" or "Rudy," but he wouldn't agree to anything!"

What the hell do you say to that? My response was to crank up the volume in my headphones so I wouldn't have to cringe listening to my boss feign interest in this black hole of a conversation.

And it's not just with greetings. Batshit Crazy Lady has an uncanny ability to make any interaction with her awkward and confusing for everyone in or around the conversation. The other day, one of the ladies I work with had to drop off a document for BCL. The lady dropping off the paper has worked at the company for years, and any sense of humor or frivolity or spark of life in this woman has been stripped away years ago. She is a no-nonsense, dour bitch. It's like she lived through the Great Depression and has never smiled or had fun since. I once sat next to her at a company lunch and as I was getting up to get myself a drink, I asked her if she wanted one because I saw that she didn't have a beverage in front of her. She told me that she didn't need anything because she doesn't drink when she eats. Now, I don't mean she doesn't drink alcohol when she eats. She doesn't drink anything when she eats. Ever. And why is that? "Because my mother didn't allow it growing up." Oh, okay. Not weird at all.

So what does Batshit Crazy Lady do when she is handed this document by this woman? Does she thank her? Of course not! That would be normal, so it doesn't apply. Instead, she asks this lady a question.

"Did you ever know?"

"Excuse me?"

BCL repeats the question, "Did you ever know?"

"Did I ever know what?" the Depression Lady asks back. She, like everyone else in the workspace has no clue what BCL is talking about.

"Did you ever know that you're my hero?"

That's right. Batshit Crazy Lady quoted a twenty year old Bette Midler song lyric to this woman. Why would she think that this woman knows what the hell she is talking about? She's probably never even listened to music, let alone the shit Bette Midler puts out. This is the same woman who has never had a sip of liquid with a meal in her life because 50 years ago, her mother didn't allow it. The fucking Amish aren't even that strict! No one on the planet would confuse this lady with someone you would pal around with or make retarded, awkward, jokes to for no reason. Except for the genius sitting next to me.

Then there is her desk. Holy shit, what a mess. When she moved in to the desk next to me, it took her 6 hours to move in all of her crap. 6 hours. It seems impossible, right? I mean how can it take someone that long to move from one cubicle to another. How much stuff can there be? Apparently, there can be a lot of stuff, if you don't limit it to things that are work-related.

She has a Sudoku book that is roughly the size of the Yellow Book pages. She has a box of Kleenex, a roll of paper towels, a box of handi-wipes, a bottle of hand sanitizer, a bottle of hand cream, a bottle of body moisturizer, a jar filled with hard candy, a basket filled with miniature chocolate bars, and a bunch of bananas. These are all on display around her computer on her desk. There are more things in her locked drawer, which she has transformed into a makeshit bomb shelter/disaster kit. In the drawer she has bottles of aspirin, Advil, Excedrin, DayQuil, Band-Aids, bandages, an ice pack, a heat patch, 4 cans of tuna fish, a box of crackers, a carton of cigarettes and a ziploc bag filled with about 30 lighters. I only know this, because she has offered me one of everything I've listed, numerous times. I don't know why she doesn't believe me when I tell her that I don't want a banana.

As annoying as this lady is, it's also really depressing. Not depressing in the sense that it's so sad that she's going to have go through life unknowingly bothering everyone she meets. That doesn't depress me, because I don't care about her. It's depressing because when I got promoted to this position I had a fleeting sense of accomplishment and pride. I say fleeting because those feelings disappeared when I realized that this lady got hired for the same position as I did. In the eyes of my company we are the exact same level. They interviewed her, interacted with her, and still found her fit to work the job that I had thought was somewhat hard to obtain. And now we both do the same thing. One of us just uses less bananas while doing it.

Thursday, January 22, 2009


Awesome Feedback

I just received the following email about my John Tesh post from some wonderfully intelligent reader named Kathy:


Initially, I was going to dismiss this as some random email written by a moron. Then I realized that since Kathy wrote in all capital letters
she must feel very strongly about her opinions, so the least I could is to take the time to consider her point of view. Then, I remembered that she likes John Tesh, which means her opinion means shit, so I decided to post this and make fun of her instead. Now who's the "looser," Kathy?

Thursday, January 15, 2009


Hoagies and Grinders.

Ever since one of the best shows in the history of television ("Kid Nation") ended, I've been searching for a show to take its place. If the show "The Principal's Office" is anywhere close to as awesome as this clip, then I may have found a suitable replacement. It looks like the principal is taking their shit just for the benefit of the cameras and the students are acting out because of the camera as well, but these two dudes are genuinely funny so I gotta give them credit. It's quite possible that I will no longer use the word "goodbye" in 2009 and just use these guys' parting line instead.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


Like Sleeve Of Wizard

By now I'm sure you all have seen the ubiquitous commercial for the Snuggie, which combines a blanket with the worlds largest sleeves. I'm not sure if it has a zipper or buttons in the back, or if you just wear it like a hospital gown. But let's be honest; who doesn't love the feeling you get when wearing hospital gown that it may fall off at any second? It's the perfect thing to wear outside on cold days when you want the warmth of a jacket, but still want something you can trip over. They come in three different colors, which I suggest taking advantage of if you plan on buying more than one, to avoid looking like you're part of a cult.

Unless you plan on sneaking into a Stonecutter's meeting.

Friday, January 09, 2009


Weekly Links

  • Do you remember the "Wonder Years" episode where Kevin sucks at math so his no-nonsense teacher tutors him? If you're any kind of "Wonder Years" fan, you fuckin' better. So after the tutoring begins, things are going great. But then the teacher skips out on the last tutoring session right before the final exam, so Kevin throws a hissy and tanks the final on purpose. Then the teacher dies over the weekend. And Kevin rightfully feels like a piece of dump because he realizes that the teacher didn't ditch him, he was just too busy getting his ass kicked by cancer. But because this is Kevin's world and we're all just living in it, Kevin can't possibly fathom that something could be more important than teaching him how to factor polynomials. Then the principal says that before the teacher died, he left a new final for Kevin to take. Then Kevin really felt like a shithead, because he sees how much the teacher cared about his job and about Kevin. So an inspired Kevin retakes the test and dedicates it to his fallen teacher. Then the show plays a sad song and ends on a memoriam picture of the teacher from Kevin's yearbook. It was a sad ending and I'm not ashamed to admit it that one may get a bit teary if they aren't careful. You can watch the very end of the episode here. Anyway, the guy who played the teacher just died in real life. So now you can really let the waterworks go.
  • This report says that Donna is going to be showing up on the new "90210." I fucking hate Donna. She's the worst. But I love her ex-boyfriend, Ray Pruit, for obvious reasons. Now you can follow Ray on a daily basis.
  • Here's another kid dancing, schooling a mascot at a basketball game. No, not the white kid, I'm talking about the black kid after him.
  • Here in Michigan, we don't have Sonic Burger's but we still have to sit through all of their commercials. So, I totally pick up what this girl is laying down.

Monday, January 05, 2009


Best customer ever.

Next week I start my new job at the Company. Apparently my customer service skills are so awesome that management has determined that I shouldn't waste them by trying to placate deadbeat customers who complain about their service getting disconnected due to nonpayment or by explaining to old milkshakes that the digital cable conversion in February doesn't mean that they have to buy an HDTV.

Instead, I get to deal with the real bitchy customers. The ones who threaten to sue us, or who have contacted the Attorney General, or who threaten to call up the FOX "Problem Solvers." Basically, my job will be to appease the customers who are causing the Company the biggest headaches. Fun, fun, fun.

Anyway, to commemorate my latest ascension up the corporate step-stool, I've decided to reflect back on the best customer call I ever received. As soon as I took the call I knew that I was a part of something special. I started taking notes, so as not to forget anything he said. I had always intended to write up an entry on here detailing the experience, but never got around to it and ended up misplacing the notes.

I found the notes today, and I'm glad I did. What follows is 100% real. I have not embellished for effect.

Me: Thank you for calling, how can I help you?

Customer: Hello? Hello?

Me: Hi, can you hear me?

Customer: Hello? Goddamn it, I hate these Jap-Chink phones! I can't hear shit. HELLO?

The guy sounds old and pretty haggard.

Me (louder): Sir, can you hear me? Hello?

Customer: Oh there ya are. Yeah, I wanna talk to someone about my cable bill.

Me: Okay, I'll be happy to help out with that. (I get his name and number and pull up his account information.) And what about the bill would you like to discuss?

Customer: How come the bill is high? It's horseshit. Did you guys raise the rates or something?

Me: Well sir, our records indicate that your balance for this month is higher than normal because of the pay-per-view charges on the account.

Customer: Are you talking about the "Jane Eats Joe" or "Joe Eats Jane" or whatever that shit is called?

Me: Uhh, yes sir. It appears that the pay-per-view charges were for adult movie titles.

Customer: Well that was my wife - not me! I might as well stick my dick in the TV for all the good those shows do for me.

Me: Okay, well even though you didn't order them, you still are responsible for them since someone in your household did order them.

Customer: Can I pay for that shit right now, over the phone?

Me: Yes, I can either process the payment for you for a $4 fee or I can transfer to you our automated system, which is free of charge.

Customer: So I gotta pay if you take the payment?

Me: Right, but if you do it yourself through the automated system it is free.

Customer: I can wipe my own ass myself too, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna do it!

Me: Okaaay, so you'd like me to take the payment then?

Customer: Yeah, yeah, what do I care about $4?

I take the guy's credit card info and submit the payment.

Me: Okay sir, you're all set. Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Customer: You ever been to Cancun?

Me: No sir, I haven't.

Customer: Good. Don't go. It sucks. Stay the hell out of all the Mexican countries.

Me: Okay, well is there anything else I can -

Customer: The Bahamas.

Me: The Bahamas?

Customer: The Bahamas is the place to go to get pussy.

Me: Hmm, well thanks for the advice.

Customer: But it's not free. You gotta pay for it.

Me: Good to know, thanks for clarifying.

Customer: You understand what I'm saying?

Me: Uh yeah, loud and clear. Things cost money in the Bahamas.

Customer: Naw, I mean are you having trouble understanding how I talk?

Me: Uh, no. I'm hearing you fine.

Customer: Because I don't talk too good because I got my teeth knocked out in a fight a ways back. I'm sure you can understand why, after listening to the way I talk. I got no goddamn patience for people.

Me: Well I couldn't tell. You sounded fine to me. Is there anything else I can help you with today?

30 seconds of silence.

Me: Sir, is there anything else?

Customer: No, no, no, that's all.

Me: Okay, well thank you for calling and I hope you have a good -

Customer: Okay. Rock 'n roll!


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