Tuesday, February 24, 2009

 

The Worst Thing Ever.

While I was in Phoenix for the weekend, I met up with my dad's old college buddy, Doc. He's a great guy who is a ton of fun to hang out with and gets along with anyone. I had no doubt in my mind that he and my friends would get along swimmingly. We met up for drinks during the day at a Mexican restaurant and sat in their outdoor patio so we could enjoy the sun and the view. We didn't realize at the time how horrible the view would become.

It seemed like every female in the Phoenix had some ink on her skin, and our waitress at this place was no exception. She had a tattoo on her bicep, one on the back of her shoulder, and a big tramp stamp on her lower back with a bunch of writing on it. Because we're curious like cats, we struck up a conversation with the waitress and asked her what the writing was on her tattoo. She replied that it read either "Live, Laugh, Love" or "Live, Love, Laugh" but that she couldn't remember the exact order. She explained that her father used to always wear a necklace with this saying so when he died, she, her sister, and her brother all got the same tattoo with those words. I asked if her brother also got the tattoo on his lower back. He did not. I also wondered how she didn't know the correct order of the words considering that her dad wore the necklace and all the time and that she had a permanent tattoo of it. You would think you would know exactly what you're getting tattooed on your body. I kept these thoughts to myself.

Being the nice guy that he is, Doc kept talking with the waitress despite the depressing fact that her dad was dead. As he was talking I saw an old man with hugh, thigh-high leather boots on walking towards us. Trying to lighten the mood, I interrupted Doc, pointed out the old man, and asked the waitress if her dad had ever owned boots like that. Doc, 5 Mile, Willis, and I all started laughing, but the waitress didn't.

"That's nothing," she informed us. "Wait until you see his moose knuckle."

Doc turns to her and asks what she is talking about - and then recoils. He had just seen what she was talking about. We all turned to look at what had caused such a strong reaction - and then we all reacted the same way.

It was horrendous. I've never seen anything like it. It was a physical oddity.

"How did you know he was going to have...that?" I asked the waitress.

"He's a regular. He comes in here wearing that every week." she replied nonchalantly.

Doc was in shock. "I can't believe what I'm seeing. No one will believe it. Oh my god, this is unbelievable.

Doc continued, "I'm older than you and I think I've lived a full life. I've never, never, NEVER, seen anything like that. Goddammit. This guy just ruined my day. I might move back to Detroit 'cause of this guy. Willis, go over there and tell him I'll pay him $20 to sit on the other side of the table. I have the money too."

Willis declined and told Doc to do his own dirty work. Doc kept ranting.

"This guy has made me speechless. And you know me - I'm a pretty verbose and gregarious guy. And. I'm. Speechless. I'm ready to puke. I've lost my respect for humanity. I wish I was a member of the animal kingdom so I wouldn't have to know or experience this moose knuckle right now. I wish I didn't even know what a moose knuckle was. God, I hate that I'm seeing this. I can't even believe what I'm seeing.
No one will believe it. No one. They'll just say "oh Doc's just exaggerating again.' Oh my god, this is unbelievable. Is this why Willis wanted to come here?"

I was in agreement with Doc. No one would believe us, and words couldn't accurately describe the monstrous spectacle we were subjected to. So I took out my digital camera and covertly took a few pictures. I've posted them below. You may not want to view them. Only scroll down if you want to be horrified.



























I told you.


Monday, February 23, 2009

 

Summer

I spent this past weekend visiting my buddy WillisB in Phoenix. 5 Mile and Bubs also made the trip down, so we had a full wrecking crew. On Saturday night, we were at place called the Sandbar, and it was pretty jamming. Like any place that has a packed house there were a fair share of good looking people as well as a decent amount of fatties. At one point in the night two of these fatties barrel up to the bar and push me out of their way so they can order a drink. These girls were short and squat, both pushing two bills easy. 5 Mile sees this happen and looks at me, his eyes wide open in shock and asks "Can you believe that shit?"

I responded with a shrug of my shoulders, "At least I'm not stuck talking with her."

And then one of the girls in the group we were hanging out with decides to push me in to the fat girl next to me. I turn to the lady and immediately apologize explaining that I had said something sassy to a girl and that she had pushed me into her. I then said sorry again and went to turn away.

The lady grabbed me by the arm to stop me, because she had something she wanted to tell me: "You know fat girls like me get hit on more often than skinny ones do."

I just stared back at her. "Oh. Okay." I tried to turn to go again, but again she stopped me.

"You know my little 3-year-old girl looks just like Michele Tanner from 'Family Matters.'"

I tell her that Michel Tanner wasn't in "Family Matters" and that she probably means Urkel. She repeats that her kid looks like Michele Tanner from "Family Matters." Bill and 5 ask to see a picture, so that they can drag this out as long as possible.

I tell her again that she is mistaken and that her kid probably looks like Urkel.

"My kid doesn't look like fucking Urkel, alright?" she yells.

"What do you have against Urkel," I joke back. "Do you hate black people or something?"

"My kid is black."

Of course she is. Why wouldn't this conversation become more awkward?

I felt so stupid. I never knew that Danny Tanner's dead wife was black and that Michele Tanner was half-black. Before I could apologize, the lady continued.

"And my kid is going to be the next Beyonce, so I'm not going to have to work no more."

I was at a loss for words. I apologized again for bumping into her and told her that I hoped she would enjoy her night. But she wasn't done. And neither were the rest of my friends, who were enjoying the weirdness of this conversation too much to let it end. 5 Mile asks what her name is. She answers "Summer," and turns back to me. It's like she wants to make me jealous of her and her life.

"Do you know what Summer even means," she asks me.

"Um, the opposite of winter?" I reply. At this point I'm ready to jump off of a bridge to avoid this whack job. She ends up telling me what she thinks it means (which I forget, because I didn't care), then goes back to bragging about her kids. We then had this exchange:

Summer: My other baby's daddy used to be a model for Calvin Klein, so my 10 year-old boy is gonna be a big time model too, so I'm gonna be rich.

Me: Awesome.

Summer: But he's a midget.

She isn't joking.

Me: You call your son a midget? Like to his face? Don't you think that's mean?

Summer: Well, he is a midget!

Me: I know, but that's not really nice to keep calling him one.

Summer: He don't care. 'Cause he's an underwear model.

5 Mile: Really? So am I!

Summer: No, he actually models underwear.

5 Mile: So do I. I just modeled mine for the 15 girls waiting in line for the bathroom!

Summer: No, but he is for real. Do you want to see pictures?

Me: No, I don't think I need to be seen in public looking at pictures of 10-year-old boys in their underwear.

Summer: You know I could've modeled. I used to be 110 pounds.

Me: Well, I used to be in the 5th grade. Things change.

Before she could reply, I left her with 5 Mile. I think 5 Mile ended up making out with her. Or leaving shortly after me. I can't remember.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

 

Best Bingo in Scrabble Ever.

It was worth 76 points.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

 

Happy Valentines Day






Friday, February 06, 2009

 

What are you, the drummer?

Sometimes when I watch Letterman, I get the feeling that he is just a miserable fuck who is just as unhappy/bored with his job as anyone else. Because of this, it's always interesting to see him get fired up about something (like when he recently lit into the impeached governor of Illinois in an interview) or see him actually enjoy his own show, like in the two clips below.


I like this song a lot. The string section makes it particularly sweet. Those guys really get into it. I haven't seen a violinist rock out that hard since the final scene from "Revenge of the Nerds." I guess Dave hasn't either, because he fucking dug it too.




The Gaslight Anthem impressed Letterman as well. It's not hard to see why. The song rocks pretty hard. And if Billy Joel taught us anything, it's that you can't go wrong writing a song about good people dying young.

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