Tuesday, June 23, 2009

 

Creepy Ginger Kid.


Talk about losing the lottery. You have a kid. He turns out to be red-headed. And fat. And creepy looking. AND he eats ice cream like this. In public. And on TV. This kid would crush a Ziggy Piggy.

Monday, June 22, 2009

 

Stories of Escalating Grossness.

I know that I haven't been updating this site for a while, but rest assured that I've still been collecting stories about my batshit crazy coworker. Please know that what I'm about to recount is jaw-droppingly inappropriate and pretty vulgar. Just remember that all of these stories occurred at work and in public.

A few months ago I was giving Batshit Crazy Lady shit about how much crap she had in and around her desk. She still had all the stuff I listed in a previous post, but now she had added a Halloween mask (even though its spring), a Santa hat (again, its spring), empty donut boxes, and a Thighmaster.

"Why in the world do you have a Thighmaster here? Take. It. Home! I haven't see you use it once since you've been here."

"I know, but I'm going to start to use it. Plus it's really good for my Kegels."

"Cankles?" I ask, already knowing that wasn't what she had said, but still hoping otherwise.

"No, Kegels," she replied.

"Jesus."

"Do you know what Kegels are?"

"Ugh, yes, I know what they-"

"They are exercises for vaginal muscles."

"I SAID I KNOW! You're really grossing me out."

"Are you going to report me to HR?" She's not worried, just curious.

"No, just stop telling me shit like that. Especially right before lunch."

"Okay, I'm sorry. I'll stop...it's just that they are really beneficial -"

"Seriously? You're still talking?"

"Okay, okay. I just wanted you to know, that's all."

"Thanks for the tip."

***

It was shortly after this conversation/horrifying revelation that I requested to move my desk away from hers. My boss, knowing full well how crazy Batshit Crazy Lady actually is, complied. But it wasn't long before her craziness crept back into my life.

At my new desk I sit next to a guy name T. He is easy going and laid back and we're about the same age so we get along pretty well. T and I both work a later shift than the rest of the people in our department. Unfortunately so does BCL. About a month ago, towards the end of the day, I see T and another coworker I'm friends with, Elle, both talking to BCL. They both keep laughing like crazy and covering their faces with their hands. They were laughing harder than I'd ever seen either of them laugh before. Though this piqued my interest to see what was so fucking funny, I knew better to get involved since they were talking to BCL, which is never good. Then an IM pop up on my computer screen. It is from Elle.

Elle: This lady is out of control. LOL. Can you hear what she's saying?
Me: Nope, and I don't think I wanna hear...she's crazy.
Elle: For real
Me: Yeah, I'm not joking. She's nuts.
Elle: And dirty too. You wouldn't believe what she's sayin
Me: I'd believe it. I used to sit next to her, remember?
Elle: She told T she only dates black guys.

(Both T and Elle are black. BCL is white. In case you were curious.)

Me: Of course she does.
Elle: And that she enjoys facials!
Me: Shut up. She didn't say that.
Elle: YES SHE DID!!!!!!!!
Me: Then she didn't mean it like that. She's retarded. She probably just meant massages.
Elle: No she meant it like the other facial
Me: Seriously, why would she even tell you guys that?
Elle: I don't fucking know! It's not like I asked her if she liked em
Me: Jesus, she is disgusting. What did she say when you and T started laughing?
Elle: She asked us what was so funny.
Me: She has to be retarded. Has to be.
Elle: I can't stop laughing...shes STILL talking about it!
Me: You're gonna make me throw up.

BCL then steps away from her desk and T comes back to his desk. T doesn't waste any time.

"That lady is off the chain! For real, man..."

"Yeah, I heard. Elle was IMing me about it. You know she couldn't have meant it like that."

"What? You mean about the facials?"

"Yeah, there's no way."

"Oh, there's no doubt she meant it like that. 'Cuz she kept going on about it. We started laughing when she first said it 'cuz it's so gross and like why would you tell your coworkers that? I mean I was already creeped out when she looked right at me and told me that she only dates black guys. And then she goes and tells us she likes facials. Me and Elle just busted up and she asks why we're laughing. She goes 'what is so funny about liking it when they finish on my face?' I thought Elle was gonna pee in her pants.

"You know...every time I think BCL can't possibly put a grosser image in my head, she comes back and does. What is her problem?

T stops laughing and gets serious. "Oh, she's got more than just one problem. Believe that."

***

Things were relatively slow after that, until the 60 year-old southern lady that sits next to plopped down at her desk on Thursday in a huff and exclaimed, "I don't even want to tell you what just happened in the bathroom!"

My response was immediate. "Yes you do. What happened?"

"It's Batshit Crazy Lady. That girl is sick."

"Oh dear God, what happened?"

"I can't tell you, it's just gross."

Now, I realized that I was talking to an old lady and was well aware that her idea of gross was probably much different than mine. Someone cutting a loud fart could be gross to her, while for my group of friends, cutting a loud fart is a proud accomplishment, worthy of a mass text informing everyone of the loudness and smelliness of said fart. So I knew I had to clarify what my co-worker meant by "gross."

"What, did she have some loud gas or something? Or a stinky doodie?" (
My coworker is a sweet old lady I didn't want to offend her with coarse language, so I tried to be as polite as possible.)

"No, it wasn't that. C'mon that's what people do in the bathroom."

"Did she go number 2 and then try to show you?"

"Come on now, you're bein' silly."

"Well then what'd she do? Was she outside of the stall or inside it?"

"She was in the stall and me and another gal were both washing our hands at the sinks. And she was being...loud."

"Haha, she was being loud while pooping?

My coworker winces a little, raises her eyebrows and shakes her her head no.

I stop laughing when I realize she wasn't talking about pooping. "No!"

Her head switches from going left and right to up and down.

"NO!"

"I didn't know what to do. I didn't even know the gal next to me and she just looks at me and goes..."

My coworker then mouths "what." "the." "fuck?"

"Jim, she was being loud."

"Noooo!"

"I finally called out for her and asked if everything was alright in there and she says 'ohhhh yeeeaaaah.' Just like that. I can't even tell you what else she was saying. I just can't. I can't repeat it. That girl's a sick puppy though. I'll tell you that much!"

"Oh my god, that is disgusting. Who does that?"

"That's the worst part, Jim. She comes out of the stall and says "Whew, what a thrill!" And I make a face, because come on now. And she says ''You've never done that before?' Like I'm the weird one. I tell ya, she is NOT right."

"What did the other lady do who was in there? What'd she say about it?"

"I don't know. I'd never seen her before. She probably quit and went home after that."

I then ask her if she's going to tell our boss about it or go to HR. She gives me a look and says "Honey, if you're thinking I'm ever repeating that story to anyone else, you're more cuckoo than she is. She's gross and I'm done talking about it. She's gonna end up doing something around the wrong person, and then you watch the shit hit the fan."

I can't wait.

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