Sunday, May 02, 2010


The Beauty of Facebook

Like most people, I routinely ask myself why I'm still on Facebook. The allure of finding old friends has worn off, replaced with the frustration of ignoring requests to help people on Mafia Wars or reading status updates that are neither humorous or interesting. For days and days upon end, Facebook offers very little entertainment value and I find myself visiting the site out of habit more than anything. But every once in awhile, Facebook offers up something that guarantees that I'll stay hooked for months to come. Facebook's latest offering to me came today.

Earlier this week, a former classmate from elementary school requested to be my friend. I accepted the request and went about my business. When I logged on today, I was alerted that I had been tagged in a photo by that classmate. So of course I immediately clicked on the link to see what the photo was, because I hadn't seen this person in a number of years and was curious to see what the picture was of.

The picture was some random photo from a class trip in middle school and I looked gawky as hell in it. Oh well. The picture was part of a collection that another kid that I went to school with uploaded to Facebook. I wasn't friends with the kid, but still wanted to see the rest of the collection to see who else I recognized.

I acted like the typical Facebook stalker and clicked on the profiles of anyone I recognized and killed some time without finding anything particularly interesting. Then, I found the profile of the guy who was the absolute weirdest kid in my middle school. Jackpot! He was a spaz, a nerd, a social outcast, and proud of it. Sometimes he was nice enough, but usually he was surly and purposefully weird as fuck. He shook his dandruff on people and would wear the same shirt for days in a row. I couldn't wait to see how this piece of work turned out.

Well it turns out he is gay. If I had really thought about it, I guess I shouldn't have been surprised by that. But I have to admit that I was. And in the grand scheme of things, him being gay is not a big deal. But again, I have to admit that I acted like I had just found irrefutable
proof that Tom Cruise was gay. In my defense, though, he also identified himself as a swinger, so some of my giddiness was justified. I took a screenshot of the guy's profile and emailed it to my friends who also knew the guy, with the hopes of brightening their day.

I was about to close the page when I noticed that the guy had his own online diary. Well I couldn't pass that up. So I clicked on the link and dove in. The first few posts I read were what I would've expected; weird pop-culture references that I couldn't place and some notes about some nerd shit on the Web. Then I clicked on a post where the guy was bitching about some screw-ups that his bank made that left him short on cash. Again, stuff that people typically bitch about online. But then I read the comments and was led one step closer to comedy gold. Someone commented on the guy's financial situation and asked if there was anything he could do to help. My former classmate responded by saying that people could help by buying some stuff from his online store, which he then linked to.

Did I click on that link? Are you fucking kidding me? Of course I did!

And my nosy behavior was well rewarded. After I scrolled down past a number listings for various used books and cd's for sale, I came across an item that I was definitely not expecting to see. My former classmate had decided to put up his copy of "The World's Best Handjobs Volume 3: Daddy's Best."

As soon as I read the title, I couldn't stop laughing. Then I saw the asking price: $68.38.

I nearly died. There were just too many things that were funny about this situation. For starters, the guy is selling used fetish porn. And is not shy about it! And the price. How did he come to that exact figure? Is that really the price the market will bear?

I mean, the guy is in such financially dire straits that he's forced to sell used porno, but refuses to sell this porn at a bargain. He'd rather starve than sell "The World's Best Handjobs Volume 3" for a cent less than $68.38. I'm sure his reasoning is that he knows that whoever buys it is going to get a lot more than $68 worth of enjoyment out of it - because God knows he has. And if people don't want to spend nearly $70 on used handjob porn, then maybe Volume 5 is a better match, which is also for sale for $43.98 and is presumably worth every penny.
It has to be - it's obvious that this shit means a lot to the guy, otherwise why would he set such a steep price? And if this is the used price, how expensive are pristene versions of the "World's Best" collections?

Needless to say, the revelation of what this guy is willing to sell online spawned a number of unanswered questions. But for me, the biggest question is if you're going to sell something so gross, why wouldn't he go to greater lengths to ensure his anonymity so that friends, co-workers, and acquaintances can't find out about it by going to his Facebook page and clicking their mouse 5 times?

I'll send you a promo code and knock off $3.45.
You forgot to mention the magician outfit, complete with top hat, that he wore in an elementary school picture.
I miss our homo-erotic conversations on Facebook Messenger Jim.
Perhaps, if you include the cost of tax, the final total is $69? Which is HILARIOUS.
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